I think this is perfectly true for me. Months have past and I seem to stuck in the loop of stages of grief. If you don't know what are the stages of grief, there five, namely - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I have been going through the cycle over and over again. I tried to get out of it but I really don't know how. So I wait patiently for time to act, for time to heal. But is it working? Does this have to do with genetics? The coping mechanism in myself? She seems like she has moved on completely, wiping off the footprints left behind her, leaving no traces of the past.
Why do I still keep the photographs.
Perhaps I am not keeping them, I just don't trash them away. Why should I? It is a part of my life. I couldn't possibly deny what has happened.
But I doubt that I would look through the photographs again. It will only elicit pain and nothing else. However, I realize that the worse part is I can see them without physically look at them, they etch in my mind.
The feelings of despair set in again recently. It is the same experience like last year. The tightness on my chest resonates through my body and soul. I couldn't sleep. I wake up in despair.
How much time do I need more to get over this.
I know even if the wound healed there would be a scar, the pain will be forever there. It will only diminish, it will not disappear. It's like the half-life graph in Physics. The pain, just the radioactive particle, will only diminish over time, but it will not be gone.
Overseas, it is still a dream to be fulfilled.
My heart will still break a little when I hear your name, even 10 years later.
'We keep this love in a photograph We made these memories for ourselves Where our eyes are never closing Hearts are never broken Times forever frozen still
So you can keep me Inside the pocket Of your ripped jeans Holdin' me closer 'Til our eyes meet You won't ever be alone Wait for me to come home'
I wonder if I ever cross your mind? To me it happens all the time.
It follows a circadian rhythm, and it is pulsatile as well. Different degree at different times of the day. Perhaps it has the highest level at night before I sleep. When the surrounding is dark and quiet, I am assaulted by the memories. Sometimes I think I have moved on, that I am addiction free. But right after I declare I am free in a victory voice it writhes my heart again. The film in my mind replays from the very start, and it never let go of a single detail. Day by day, scene by scene. I am revisiting all the moments literally. Smiling when I see the beautiful days, aching when I see my heart breaks.
How hard is it to let go, how many times have I turned back. I pause the film at many points, hoping I can intervene and change the course of our story. It doesn't have to be that way. It is not meant to be that way. The belief I hold on to, the efforts I put into.
I am a pampered child. I get all the attention I want since young. But I can't get yours. I am always the priority. No matter how hard I tried, I just can't get it. All I wanted was your slightest attention and care.
I am the pearl in my family. But I am not in your hand. I don't remember I ever lay myself so low before we met. My pride was shattered before you.
Is it that difficult for you?
Eventually I realize what Sherlock Holmes said was true. 'Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.'
We are incompatible. No matter how hard we tried to cut away our edges they still couldn't fit perfectly. Is it the case?
A good friend of mine said I am a perfectionist. I was struck by her comments. It was the first time I heard people calling me a perfectionist. I couldn't bear seeing the defects in my new books, I couldn't tolerate the folded pages of my new books. It sometimes applies to my other new things as well. Perhaps I am one. Just that I never come to realize it.
Maybe the reason why I wanted our relationship to work is due to my perfectionism? I want everything to be smooth in my life. Or is it my pride. I don't see the reason should I have failed. I did all I could to sustain it.
Or the real and most reasonably answer is love? If it is, why? Why do I still love.
Two and a half months have past, it seems like everything is okay. Sometimes I really feel alive and ready to go. I think I need more time. The healing process is going on.
But, at the end of the day when I lie on the bed there is this annoying film screening in my mind.
Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while, Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies. Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst, Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?
Let us die young or let us live forever We don't have the power, but we never say never Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip The music's for the sad man.
Can you imagine when this race is won? Turn our golden faces into the sun, Praising our leaders, we're getting in tune The music's played by the madman.
Forever young, I want to be forever young. Do you really want to live forever? Forever, and ever
Forever young, I want to be forever young Do you really want to live forever? Forever young.
Love this song. This song can be the background track for the sweet-bitter film on my mind everyday. Even though it brings back all the memories but somehow I feel refreshed and ready to strive after listening to it. I am still young! I have a future! No matter who is for me in the journey ahead.
Some are like water, some are like the heat Some are a melody and some are the beat Sooner or later they all will be gone Why don't they stay young?
It's so hard to get old without a cause I don't want to perish like a fading horse Youth's like diamonds in the sun, And diamonds are forever
So many adventures couldn't happen today, So many songs we forgot to play So many dreams swinging out of the blue We'll let them come true
Forever young, I want to be forever young. Do you really want to live forever, Forever, and ever?
Forever young, I want to be forever young. Do you really want to live forever, Forever young?
I like One Direction's version more. It is more lively. Visualizing maybe one day we can really accept and let go. Just like Itik and I now. Laughing at our good old days. No embarrassment, no apologies. Ah, Itik, you deserve a better guy. You can move on because I know you will. You can do better than me! I am always here with you whenever you need me, just like 4 years ago. Pick up your armour again, and fight! You are stronger than ever! But admittedly you look older.
My heart is waiting. I don't know. It is always waiting. It is constantly struggling, whether to take the risk of breaking once again. There is a girl who got its attention, but it wouldn't give in. It likes her but let's put a full stop there.
Just realized we never dance before, if we have the chance, shall we?
And so many adventures we have not embarked, so many songs we haven't sung. I can't help thinking, who will stand by my side when I stand beneath the Eiffel again?
