Monday, 1 June 2015

Forever Young

I wonder if I ever cross your mind? To me it happens all the time.

It follows a circadian rhythm, and it is pulsatile as well. Different degree at different times of the day. Perhaps it has the highest level at night before I sleep. When the surrounding is dark and quiet, I am assaulted by the memories. Sometimes I think I have moved on, that I am addiction free. But right after I declare I am free in a victory voice it writhes my heart again. The film in my mind replays from the very start, and it never let go of a single detail. Day by day, scene by scene. I am revisiting all the moments literally. Smiling when I see the beautiful days, aching when I see my heart breaks.

How hard is it to let go, how many times have I turned back. I pause the film at many points, hoping I can intervene and change the course of our story. It doesn't have to be that way. It is not meant to be that way. The belief I hold on to, the efforts I put into. 

I am a pampered child. I get all the attention I want since young. But I can't get yours. I am always the priority. No matter how hard I tried, I just can't get it. All I wanted was your slightest attention and care.

I am the pearl in my family. But I am not in your hand. I don't remember I ever lay myself so low before we met. My pride was shattered before you. 

Is it that difficult for you? 

Eventually I realize what Sherlock Holmes said was true. 'Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.'

We are incompatible. No matter how hard we tried to cut away our edges they still couldn't fit perfectly. Is it the case? 

A good friend of mine said I am a perfectionist. I was struck by her comments. It was the first time I heard people calling me a perfectionist. I couldn't bear seeing the defects in my new books, I couldn't tolerate the folded pages of my new books. It sometimes applies to my other new things as well. Perhaps I am one. Just that I never come to realize it.

Maybe the reason why I wanted our relationship to work is due to my perfectionism? I want everything to be smooth in my life. Or is it my pride. I don't see the reason should I have failed. I did all I could to sustain it.

Or the real and most reasonably answer is love? If it is, why? Why do I still love.

Two and a half months have past, it seems like everything is okay. Sometimes I really feel alive and ready to go. I think I need more time. The healing process is going on. 

But, at the end of the day when I lie on the bed there is this annoying film screening in my mind.

Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while, 
Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies.
Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst, 
Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?

Let us die young or let us live forever
We don't have the power, but we never say never
Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
The music's for the sad man.

Can you imagine when this race is won?
Turn our golden faces into the sun, 
Praising our leaders, we're getting in tune
The music's played by the madman.

Forever young, 
I want to be forever young.
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever, and ever

Forever young, 
I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever young.

Love this song. This song can be the background track for the sweet-bitter film on my mind everyday. Even though it brings back all the memories but somehow I feel refreshed and ready to strive after listening to it. I am still young! I have a future! No matter who is for me in the journey ahead.

Some are like water, some are like the heat
Some are a melody and some are the beat
Sooner or later they all will be gone
Why don't they stay young?

It's so hard to get old without a cause
I don't want to perish like a fading horse
Youth's like diamonds in the sun, 
And diamonds are forever

So many adventures couldn't happen today, 
So many songs we forgot to play
So many dreams swinging out of the blue
We'll let them come true

Forever young, 
I want to be forever young.
Do you really want to live forever, 
Forever, and ever?

Forever young, 
I want to be forever young.
Do you really want to live forever, 
Forever young?
I like One Direction's version more. It is more lively. Visualizing maybe one day we can really accept and let go. Just like Itik and I now. Laughing at our good old days. No embarrassment, no apologies. Ah, Itik, you deserve a better guy. You can move on because I know you will. You can do better than me! I am always here with you whenever you need me, just like 4 years ago. Pick up your armour again, and fight! You are stronger than ever! But admittedly you look older.

My heart is waiting. I don't know. It is always waiting. It is constantly struggling, whether to take the risk of breaking once again. There is a girl who got its attention, but it wouldn't give in. It likes her but let's put a full stop there. 

Just realized we never dance before, if we have the chance, shall we?

And so many adventures we have not embarked, so many songs we haven't sung. I can't help thinking, who will stand by my side when I stand beneath the Eiffel again?