选择权

最近我在断断续续的反思中，忽然有一个深刻的领悟。我领悟到“选择”的真正力量。

人总是希望能够掌控一切，所以都不喜欢不确定所带来的不安情绪。我们总是希望一切都可以造着自己的计划实行，然而人生本来就充满变数，无法事事如意。有些人因此努力维护自己的掌控权，当事情出乎意料便无法招架。反之，有些人则完全摒弃控制权，遇到什么事都怪罪他人，自己永远是受害者。这些性格上的缺陷在日常生活中都很常见。

拼了命要保住自己主控权的人，通常都是成天紧张兮兮的。他们也可能有恐慌症或强迫症。

至于凡事都归咎于别人的人，其中的方法就是灌输他们，成年人有自主选择的力量，并让他们自己做决定。如果一味的“好心”帮助他们，只会助长他们内心的无助感。

在这个基础上，我对“选择”或“抉择”有新的体会。圣经说神给了人类“自由意志”，也就是选择的力量。每个人可以选择做对的事情或错的事情。只是，每一个人也因此必须承担自己决定的后果。遇到不如意的事，我可以选择自恋自哀，也可以选择正面去面对。正向思考，不是自我逃避，而是一种选择。

许多激励的话语譬如说“选择快乐地过每一天”和“选择放下”，虽然很久以前就知道了，但都只停留在思维里，对实际生活没有效益。我近来领悟到，关键词是“选择”。当心情低落时，只要提醒自己有选择的余地，心里就有一股力量把自己推往正面的方向。无论任何事，只要心里清楚知道自己手中握着选择权，就可以做出积极的决定。这也关乎信仰，因为信心就是选择相信上帝。

人生

在这里呆了四个月多，基本上生活是很美满的。我的生活品质大大的提升。衣食住行都不是问题。虽然从前在马来西亚工作时，也没有什么衣食住行的问题，但在这里除了住比较昂贵之外，衣和食真的比我国来得经济。

那天和来自马来西亚的朋友聊起，说以前会觉得澳洲什么都贵是因为脑子都在作汇率换算，把物价都乘三当然什么都贵啊。和我这里的朋友谈话时，他们把我在我国的薪水除三后觉得我们过得好落魄。其实，以前在这里旅游和读书时，花的钱都是马币换过来的，所以每天都省得很可怜。当我开始领这里的薪水之后，突然之间觉得自己富裕很多。就连在外用餐也觉得还好。在咖啡馆吃顿饭，一盘也平均二十块钱。这其实和在我国的咖啡馆的价格差不多，当然不可以看兑换率。可是，我在这里的薪水要比在我国高。因此，一个人生活是可以过得充裕的。

还记得我出发到这里之前，整个情绪是很低落的。在那两个多月的筹备过程中，我每天都过得很煎熬。那时前景充满不确定因素，我很害怕在这里等着我的是什么挑战。感谢主的引领，我来到一个更宽阔的天空。抵达之前，我早已告诉自己，世界上没有一个地方是完美的。这里当然有令人不满意的地方，但整体上的生活是优质的。我从前很排斥移居澳洲的想法，回头看是因为年轻的自己过于执着。十年前的想法是我一定要到国外求学，然后回国成家立业。结果当年没有达到自己的愿望而失意并郁郁寡欢。十年前说好十年后要结婚，十年前计划十年后留在槟城。年轻时另一个让我排斥澳洲的原因是我十四岁那年随着父母来到柏斯，由于自己的英文会话不佳，加上那时的社会风气还有一点歧视亚洲人，我过得不是很开心。后来来到墨尔本见习，也觉得很难用英语和他们沟通，而且墨尔本的天气比较寒冷。阿德莱德的天气就好多了。

十年后的自己，学会了随遇而安。说来不巧，有几个朋友喜欢把我的中文名念成遇安。他们觉得把“宇”念成去声比较好听。我对信仰也有更深一层的认识。我学会了放手，让上帝接手。即便来到了这里，生活总是会让你有点不愉快。我都会静下心来，求主的引导，不为事物而饭。凡事谢恩，珍惜所有。

唯一的遗憾，我的睡眠品质依然很差。我希望我可以慢慢地调试过来。偶尔一个人独处时，我的思绪又会乱飘，会去思考没有答案的人生。这时，我唯有把焦点重新放在十架上，定睛仰望基督。再次在精神科工作，我发现大多数的病人都很固执地抓住过去的经历，导致精神不得安宁。和他们沟通，也是提醒自己要照顾自己的思维。就如圣经箴言里所罗门王说的“你要保守你的心，因为一生的果效是由心发出。”

我期待下一年里，我会过得更好。

新首相新政府

我想在马来西亚人而言目前最夯的话题就是最近的大选成绩了。就算身在海外的大马人，都在关注。虽然也有一些人已经放弃国内的政治，尤其是已经定居海外多年的人士，但大家偶尔还是会聊起。

就像大家耳熟能详的近代格言所说，没有任何结果会让所有人满意。赢的一方高呼民主万岁，输的一方怒吼选举不公。这就是人性，也是我们从小养成不服输的陋习。要接受失败需要很大的勇气，要心平气和地接受失利需要一定的成熟和修养。情绪是人的一部分特征，本质上它不是负面的。我们不需要去掉它，只是要学会控制它。

我个人也是在这个年龄才略略领悟这个道理。人事物可以惹你生气，但你可以选择不生气不抱怨。这并不是说我们就当着没有一回事，试着麻木自己的感官。我们能做的，是保守自己内心的平安。这也符合耶稣的教导。

耶稣对门徒说：“我留下平安给你们。我将我的平安赐给你们。我所赐给你们的，并不像世人所赐的。你们心里不要忧愁，也不要胆怯。”

箴言里说道：“你要保守你的心，胜过保守一切。因为一生的果效，是由心发出。”

主耶稣已经赐给我们他的平安，这份平安不会随着外在的变化而改变。祂的平安，是那种海上掀起暴风大浪祂仍然可以在船里熟睡的平安；是门徒被边打后下在监里仍然可以唱诗歌赞美神的平安。那是让人出乎意料的平安。

我们要努力保守这份平安，并不是想保守财物一样，时时警惕不让人夺走。我们只需要时刻仰望主耶稣，看见祂为我们成就的一切。当我们越来越体会神对我们的爱，我们就会越来越像基督，成为世上的光和盐。

马来西亚全国人民，我们努力打造一个更美好的国家时，别忘了一切都在神的预料中，没有什么事可以让神感到惊讶。

Nostalgia

追忆就像鸦片

让我沉溺于中不可自拔

陶醉在回忆里

那曾经的美好

片刻的心灵慰籍

也已经足够

在每个夜里

每一次闭上眼的瞬间

我看见我们的过去

我知道我能够终止

中断追忆瘾的循环

但我要那些内啡肽

好让我可以痛快些

后来遇见她

才发现彼此都只是在找替代

从而造成更深的痛

我就是任由自己堕落

不断地让自己怀念你成瘾

就算矫情或是造作

也不愿意把你戒掉

Nostalgia is like opioids

Reliving the memories provide more than comfort

It enhances the feedback loop of euphoria

Releasing more endorphins each time I drown in it

So I have become an addict

Savouring every moment of your fondness

I know I can break the cycle

But do I want to wake up from the dream

From the past where you and I dreamed for the future

The alternative I stumbled upon

They call it rebound

Of  which left a deeper wound

Causing more pain and tenderness

So more nostalgia is needed

To numb the sorrows

To escape from the harsh realities

But I do know I can break it

I just love that quick fix

慢慢地我发现

原来我是为了逃离孤寂

我需要依附一个人而活

我竟成了寄生体

不能再让自己发光发热

我所有的人生规划

不是为了母亲

就是已她为重心

我人生的意义是为着别人

我为着她选择大学

我为着她差一点留在砂拉越

让我重新的认识自己

开始走上帝为我预备的美好人生

Believe

What is a belief? What is faith? What is positivity?

I have been in search of the formula of success since primary school. I have read many self-help books and attended many motivational talks. Non fiction section of the bookstore is always my only stop ever since I completed high school. Those books, along with the arguments in them, are refreshing and motivating to me as I read them. I am going to change and make an impact. My life will be different from now on. I am going to be a high achiever. I believe most people would feel the same while reading those inspiring words. Unfortunately, the effect won't last long, at least that is true for me.

Growing up from a Christian background, I am very inspired and intrigued by the teachings of Jesus too. As I grow older, I started to scrutinize what is the true meaning of them and how to apply them in life. I do struggle with some of them as I cannot see the promises of God fulfilled in my life. However, undeniably there is a great number of lives impacted by the gospel all over the world in the past two thousand years. If not, Christianity will be become such a powerful movement in history. Even now, the gospel is still impacting and bringing hope to a lot of people.

My question is always why not me. This is quite a common question asked by us the 'second generation' of Christians. 'Second Gen Christians' means our parents are converted to Christianity and we are 'born' to be Christians. Our parents had experienced God in a way that caused them to convert. We always loathe about we don't have life changing experience with God. 

To cut the story short, I always wonder why others can experience such a marvelous breakthrough while some still struggle. Which part of the bible verse I miss? What is the secret ingredient I lack? Do I not have enough faith? Is it because my disbelieve? At last I know what is the problem. It is not that I don't believe, it is more of I don't believe enough. Just like what read from the self-help genre, there is great power in believing. They say if you believe you can, then you truly can. Impossible is actually I'm possible, The mountain moving faith mentioned in the bible. 

I know Christ loves me and died for me on the cross. The bible is full of how deep and perfect the love of God is for us. I know about them since young. John 3:16 and other passages. Perhaps all the while these are only bible knowledge to me. Do I truly believe those words? I have to have an honest heart check with myself. Do I believe the entire bible is irrefutable as I believe the earth is round? Yes, I believe my sin is forgiven via Christ, I have no doubt in my salvation. However, how about other promises spoken by Jesus Himself? That God cares about me so much, He numbered my hair and He has good plans for me even before I am born.

Well, I believe them too. But I must admit it is not with the same conviction I believe the earth is round. I think this is the reason why my life is not fulfilling. The testimonies from my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ have one thing in common: they believed. Just like the figures mentioned in the bible. That is the key. Believe. Believe without a shadow of doubt, believe with one hundred percent. Only when the gospel truths truly sink in to the bottom of my heart, my life will change. How should I do it? Keep on pursuing Jesus, the ways I have known, with new revelation about Him each day.

I think that high level of conviction in our belief system is the basis of most self-help books and positive psychology too. There are a lot of examples in the world where people eventually succeed when they are fully convicted in whatever they do. I do find similarities in the bible and those theories too. For example is gratitude and speaking positive words. And I try to find out what is the difference between my faith and positive psychology. Up to now, my conclusion is this is the way God intended for us to live on earth, those theories are just coincidental evidence. 

2022 Quarter Year Report

Life, is a mystery in itself as usual. Who am I to know what is coming, who am I to fathom the events occurring around me? For I am merely human, a creation with limited wisdom.

My 2022 is still uncertain as it seems. To be honest, the job offer from Adelaide adds more uncertainties to my life than anything else. I have never thought to work in overseas. My dream was to study and enjoy university life in overseas, then return to work and settle down. Working as a doctor in Australia is never my consideration until last year. The obvious reason is, I thought I would marry an architect graduated from the UK and hence we would start our family here. 

3 years ago I broke the dream I envisioned for years. To a certain extent, the broken dream still hurts. After being single for awhile, I thought why not give it a try to apply for a job in Australia. As a young doctor in the current local system, I was confused about my future. I literally had no clue. I felt that my life was still at the rock bottom. That's when I sought the Lord earnestly while throwing in a few applications in last August. I applied from a position of rest: if I got an offer I will go, if I did not then it means God wanted me to stay. I attended two online interviews, but did not get any offer. I was disappointed because I felt the rejection meant I was incompetent. However I did try to persuade myself it was God's will because I did surrender the matter to Him. But I do know in my heart, it could mean it's not time for me to go, or it is a closed door.

Then, I completed my housemanship and continued to work as a medical officer in the COVID-19 team. It was there I met a bunch of good friends, and enjoyed the best time of my working life. I had applied for job transfer back to my hometown months before. But during that brief period of time, I fell in love with a lady. Perhaps it was really a mistake, as I might be transferring back to my hometown and the relationship looked just like the fruit of convenience. I wasn't ready to commit to it in such as short time as the burden of past hurt crushing on my shoulders. 

I started the new year with her and a new hope. Hoping and believing 2022 was going to be a great year. Again, circumstances changed faster than I could imagine. My beloved COVID Team was scattered to different departments in the hospital. There's when the stability I enjoyed for a few months began to shatter. I was given a department I never wanted - Paediatrics. And she had difficulties adapting to her new department too. Both of us had to cope with the unforeseen stresses and unfortunately the new relationship could not stand the test. We broke up.

I did my best to cope, made my best effort to contribute to the Paediatrics Department. To my great delight, I was granted the chance to transfer back to my hometown. It was sad to leave my beloved friends and beautiful place, but I knew I had to go home. I hoped for a chance to join Psychiatry Department - my specialty of interest. Again, as the cliche goes we do not always get what we want in life. I was asked to join Paediatrics Cardiology. Paediatrics again! My goodness. On top of that, adjusting to the life back home was not as easy as it seemed. 

During that time, Adelaide emailed me to ask if I was still interested for a job. I thought to myself: Is this from God? Since it was no harm to take another interview. I tried not to build up my hope and I continued to pray. Paeds Cardiology is a nice and comfortable place but I still could not see myself to be there for at least 6 months. I needed a way out and a peace. 

At this crossroad, I did not know if staying or leaving was a better choice. To me, both options had great risks. For the past few weeks I just prayed, asking God to show me a clear path. After a delay of 3 weeks, Adelaide gave me an offer. 

Yes, it was a great news. It was a successful interview. I decided to accept the offer, taking it as His will for me to begin a new adventure. I am well aware that the challenges may be great over there. But if it is God who calls me out just like He called Abraham, I know He will guide my every step and He will be my strength to conquer every mountain. 

I am amazed at how my year has been so far. I have never experienced change in such a fast pace in my life. At the same time, I grow a lot as well spiritually. Though I am still learning to depend on Him and walk by faith, I know He who started the faith will perfect it in due season. I do not know what the future holds, but I do know who holds the future.

May I continue to walk in favour while I behold His grace and salvation on the cross.