I said please wake me up when September ends. Yes, September ended. But I woke up to another nightmare. Mid October is approaching, work load is increasing exponentially as usual.
Anatomy is hard. Do I look convincing?
I am preparing for my year end exam. I really do hope I can excel this time. I want to ace it. I am tired to stay around the borderline. Being at the level below the top doesn't really suits me. It's time to step on the launching pad.
But, can I? Hahaha.
Well, perhaps I am finally determined to propel forward. The thing is do I have the capability? I felt like after the trauma my telomeres are shortened. There is a decrease in my intelligence. I am thinking how to reverse this condition. My capacity to memorize has severely declined. Plus, maybe I don't like the drugs name so I can't remember them. And of course anatomy, there are too many parts so by the time I finish, it's either I forget the initial parts or I have nerves, arteries and veins all mixed up.
Yes, it's time to fly over the obstacles! Another reason to work harder and harder and harder. So I can truly enjoy my first year year end holidays with someone.
Thinking to set the first and second photos as profile picture. Haha. What do you think? Oh, I love how I smile and laugh.
I sort of starting to return to my previous routine, which is paying a visit to the cinema on every Friday. By previous I mean 2 years ago. Since I started A levels I developed the habit of watching a movie on every Friday, whether it is in the cinema or on my Vaio, cuddling someone. However, months later the routine was stopped, perhaps due to the stress of perceived tough examinations and lack of appealing films.
This time, I come to a point which I must squeeze the movie slot in even though I have a very tight schedule. You can say the condition is desperate, or in a more negative sense, chronic. Why. Is it to release stress? I would feel even more stressful after watching one. I don't know what am I searching for. Again, I am lost. I hate to have such Friday routine again, I just don't want to do stuff the way I did last time. I do laundry on a different day, I avoid taking public bus, I cut my nails on weekdays. I even try to phase out the clothes I used to wear. Psychologically, I am hoping that with a different routine I could block out some memories.
Maybe subconsciously I am searching for meaning. My mind and body wander aimless following the crowd. To the lecture theater, to the cafeteria.
Movies provide an escape from the real life. So often I want to let go and run away. But the problem is, where can I run to. When each movie is coming to the end, my heart is filled with emptiness again.
I came to a conclusion that some wounds can never be healed, move on and live with it is the only way. However, I am not acclimatized to carry it with me yet. Anyway, I am preparing for the day to come, it could be my worst day ever in this year, maybe slightly better than the day I had earlier this year. Garnering all the courage and be there for you on that day. Sometimes you just couldn't let someone down, even if it means you might not have any pieces of you left. Just buck it up.
It has been quite a long time since I wrote about a movie. This movie is about the love story between two pernicious cancer patients. Frankly, I almost cried when I was watching the movie. But many thoughts came after the movie while I reflected on the story.
Everyone has problems. This is sort of a truth I arrive at after contemplating about life this year. And regardless of the intensity of the problem, as in no matter it is big or small, it deserves full attention and help to be solved. Just as there is no standard answer in life, some problems cannot be solved, you have to live with it. However, there is a possibility which the intensity of the problem can be reduced to a minimum level. The emotions elicited by the problems can be alleviated by tools. One easy method is to count your blessings, to be thankful for all things. I still have a healthy body, I have eyes ears nose mouth limbs which are functioning.
I do not have cancer.
Yes, thinking about the less fortunate will make us grateful towards what we own. However, we will soon forget about it and start to magnify our own problems. Looking at the physically challenged we are glad that we have legs but we start to lament that we don't have shoes. Perhaps this is our nature. I am working on it too, constantly reminding and be thankful that I am well blessed in many areas. This is real tough, as I am always blinded by my grief, self-wallowing in my loss.
Come back to the movie. If you are terminally ill will you desire to love and to be loved? There is not much worries for healthy individuals to start a relationship, but it requires a lot of courage and confidence for patients like them in the movie.
When you know you are dying, what is your fear. The thought of Augustus Waters best represents mine. How will I be remembered. Like him, I wanted to be great, to stand out of the 7 billion. Finally Hazel Grace enlightened him, and me too. I often hear a whisper in my mind, to achieve greatness one must be brought low first. Just like the bible says, those who want to be the head must be the tail, and the tail will be the head.
You've seen my monsters, you've seen my pain, you're told of my problems, you've tried to chase them away.
You have seen it all, I do not have anything to hide from you. Thank you for keep on trying, I never take for granted. I know you are really fed up. Everyone does. It's time to sit down and talk again.
I remember when we first started you let me listen to "Dark Side" by Kelly Clarkson. I didn't understand what the lyrics was about. Then slowly I began to know, love covers all offences. And I am learning it.
Perhaps I used the wrong way, it shouldn't be mere tolerance. It's time to sort out the better approach.
Yes, I will definitely rise. But it takes time.
I think I am just like the young Charles Xavier in the most recent X- Men. I have many voices in my mind, I am afraid of the background commentary voices. I shut myself up. I lose hope. However, this is what the old Charles advises the young Charles :" Feel the pain, embrace it, your mind will be stronger than ever before."
Shall I open up my wounds to the brutality of truth.
I have an idea, a brilliant and creative way to update my post! However, I need time and tools to complete it, let's see if I can change the idea into reality one day.
Well, days are still not easy to get by, but I have something to look forward to 2 weeks later ( you know what is it =P ). I am on a total relaxed mode, not putting as much effort as I was in A-Levels. I am a little bit guilty about that especially I remembered what Dr Sen said :" Medical students are very privileged, you have 24 hours per day! 8 hours for lectures, the rest for you to study!" I appreciate his frankness, as many lecturers say there is fun and life in med school. The reason they say so is to prevent students from being too stressful.
Today is Easter Sunday! May the resurrection power fills you!
Though it is the day Jesus resurrected from the grave, I remembered a phrase from my favourite song 3 years ago.
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure's all you've known. Remember all the sadness and frustration. And let it go, let it go.
Yes, it is Linkin Park. The theme song for Transformers 3.
Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Prospecting. Well this seems to be my personality type according to the test. Even though I don't usually believe in personality tests, a lot of my characteristics do fit into the descriptions. Quoting from 16personalities.com :
Observant. ENFP personalities believe that there are no irrelevant details or actions – they try to notice everything, seeing all events as part of a big mysterious puzzle called life.
Very popular and friendly. ENFPs are altruistic and cooperative, doing their best to be empathic and friendly in every situation. They can get along with nearly everyone and usually have a large circle of friends and acquaintances.
Energetic and enthusiastic. ENFPs are always eager to share their ideas with other people and get their opinions in return. Their enthusiasm is contagious and very inspiring at the same time.
Know how to relax. People with this personality type know how to switch off and have fun, simply experiencing life and everything it has to offer. Their wild bursts of enthusiastic energy can often surprise even their closest friends.
Excellent communicators. ENFPs tend to have great people skills and they instantly know how to present their ideas in a convincing way. They can handle both small talk and deep, meaningful conversations, although the ENFP’s definition of small talk may be somewhat unusual – they will steer the conversation towards ideas rather than weather, gossip etc.
Curious. ENFPs are very imaginative and open-minded. They enjoy trying out new things and do not hesitate to go outside their comfort zone if necessary.
Highly emotional. ENFP personalities tend to have very intense emotions, seeing them as an inseparable part of their identity. This may often cause the ENFP to react strongly to criticism, conflicts or tension.
May have poor practical skills. ENFPs are brilliant when it comes to solving problems, creating processes or initiating projects (especially if they involve other people) – however, they are likely to find it difficult to follow through and deal with the practical, administrative side of things.
Overthink things. ENFPs always look for hidden motives and tend to overthink even the simplest things, constantly asking themselves why someone did what they did and what that might mean.
Get stressed easily. ENFPs are very sensitive and care deeply about other people’s feelings – this can cause them a lot of stress sometimes as people often look toward them for guidance and encouragement, and the ENFP cannot always say “yes”.
Find it difficult to focus. People with the ENFP personality type lose interest quickly if their project shifts towards routine, administrative matters – they may not be able to stop their mind from wandering off.
Very independent. ENFPs loathe being micromanaged or restrained by rules and guidelines. They want to be seen as highly independent individuals, masters of their own fate.
Yes I am a very emotional guy, those who know me well know it. This is clearly shown through my writings. Sometimes I even think I am too cissy, confiding my deepest thoughts and feelings to other people. I am feeling directed.
Besides, the description of the personality points out that I am likely to have difficulties dealing with routines, administrative matters. This is true as I am bored after 1 week as a teacher. However, I force myself to commit to the job as I take it as a challenge to deal with boredom.
It also says that I am a non-conformist. Hence, I will not fix myself into this personality frame!XP
The last day of me being 19. I am turning 20. Abolideboh. Is this a sign of maturity or old age?
I cannot even utter a syllable for the moment. I think my throat is ruptured. This is the worst case scenario of shouting everyday for 2 weeks.
And I am not in a good mood, worse even. I hope this will not turn out to be my most miserable birthday of all. Didn't I just received my A-level results? Previously I thought if I have good results I would be very happy during my birthday. But it is not so apparently.
Perhaps I am absolutely a mute now, frustration comes when people ask me questions. I cannot speak. After explaining my condition to them via sign language, they finally understand but they will come back awhile later forgetting I cannot speak at all. I don't bother to entertain them. And the people surrounding me started to label me as "emo", I am not sure it is because of my lack-of-smile expression or the absence of my voice.
Yes, I have lost my speech. Maybe this is the reason why all the negative thoughts start to pile up in my heart. I have no way to pour out, no way to speak to anyone. Suddenly the poor me alone in my own dark world, while everyone seems to be celebrating. I cannot even cry out to God. Never have that voice.
I wonder why is this happening.
If there is an instrument to measure self-esteem, I think it will show negative on me. Pn Malathee was telling me that day, she missed the confident me. She noticed something wrong with me way before I did. You were to congratulate me for the results, but I ended up pouring out my struggles through texts. You said I have changed. You said what Pn Malathee said, the Matthew you knew was pretty confident. This time I was not ashamed to admit I have lost my confidence. I missed it too. I guess you didn't expect me to be so messed up at the moment. You tried to encourage me, but I doubted myself. Again you were amazed how shattered I am. Thank you for your comfort, thank you that you still believe the ever confident Matt will be back once he braves through this difficult time. Congratulate upon your first semester results too.
I know I can climb out of this pit. I know I must. Nobody will know your sorrows and no stranger will share your joy. I must do this on my own. I need hope, I need God.
From one point of view, this transition have never been so fruitful and exciting to me. I thought woe to me this time I had to stay in church for thanksgiving and watch night services. In other words, counting down to the new year in church, without friends. Since I attended the first time I have been finding excuses to skip the church services, either celebrate with friends or rather go to bed early. Ya, you got it right, it is going to be real bored spending such rare occasion on the church bench.
I decided to attend because I couldn't find any good excuses and I was guilty of skipping for several years. On top of that I didn't have the one as company to count down together with me in this so called sweet 1314 transition. Things changed when Clarence told me he would be fetching Angie Loh there. I was like, W-H-A-T? Why on earth would Angie Loh attend? And why watch night service. This was going to be interesting.
Okay, this wasn't her first time to church yet she asked some questions which to us were like why-you-have-two-hands. Thank God the more mature brother in church provided satisfactory answers. And just because Clarence, Amos and Yun Sheng those KDU students were busy with their own stuff and Angie idled with me around in the church, all the aunties and uncles thought we were a couple. Unsurprisingly, my mum was the first to pull me aside and bombard me with questions. "She was your student last time, don't you remember?" I replied in a good manner, not sure if I answered her questions. Everyone thought I brought her to church. My Youth Fellowship friends thrown at me we-suspected-you-have-a-girlfriend-so-here-she-is-huh kind of faces. Come on, my girlfriend would definitely be more gorgeous, if there is one. (Alright Angie if you are reading this line, just want to tell you from my heart you are very pretty as well, some aunties agree with me.)
Sorry Angie that we were so peaceful and chill when the clock hit twelve. We couldn't do much in the church right. Anyway, we went to auto city after the services, where we proceeded to mamak because the restaurants were closed. From there we had a list of our firsts of the year 2014.
First meal of the year, roti kosong with limau ais.
First ride of the year, blue CRV.
First place of the year, Grace Church.
First breath of the year, air.
First mission of the year, waking up Amos.
First mission accomplished of the year, waking up Amos.
My new year's eve was just so fun. Four of us planned to skip the watch night service this year end and find a place to celebrate.
Reached home at 2.30am, knowing well we had the Leader's Retreat to attend at 10.00am back in church.