Monday 15 December 2014

Friday 5 December 2014

我很忙

整个十一月份竟然一篇文章都没更新!这让人有点罪恶感。

不错,我近期来真的很忙,甚至快盲了!

昨天到眼睛店更换眼镜。右眼近视在两年内竟然增加了一百度。今年三月到现在更是上升迅速,如果换成是马币那该多好。左眼呢则保持不变。

单单右眼视力变差的原因,也许是常看手机和电脑荧幕,又或者在灯光不足下阅读。

真的很担心视力会一直差下去。有什么方法可以恢复视力的吗?

说到最近很忙,当然不是再准备考试。觉得现在还比考试还忙。但检讨时间的去向时发现自己其实有足够的时间,如果不睡午觉不拖延的话。不过一回到家里最想做的就是睡觉了。虽然梦还是很多,但还是要睡。

好了,由于不宜看荧幕太久,所以今天就写到这儿为止。

Friday 24 October 2014

医学第一年·终

暂且不说九把刀劈退的事,还有《复仇者联盟2》将在明年上映。

今天是医学一年级上课的最后一天,我还有四年的书啃。

趁着这个有意义的日子,来回首这些日子我与同学们的趣事。同窗一年了却在这个时候才让他们爆冷出场真的真的很不好意思,在这里郑重向他们道歉。

好吧,先来一张照片。



不必多说,最显眼的就是我。

这一群人算是和我同班吧。校方原本是说每一个学期都会换班级的,也许他们懒惰,所以才不换了。因此,我们同班了一年。第一学期,由于我状态不佳,我很期待第二学期能够换个周围的环境。一年下来和他们在一起觉得很自在,在加上如果换组员又要重新建立关系,很烦人。

他们之中,各有各的优缺点,如果你很想知道细节,我们另约时间地点畅谈,在这里不便多说。

我第一次有比较要好的异族朋友。原来,他们没有政治人物般可怕,非常友善。

左二那位女生有点可爱,尤其是笑起来的时候,很温馨。

右三那位女生是马拉松健将,为人不错,有点傻乎乎,笑点低。年底我们将结伴探险旅行。

站立者左边第五位明年将晋升为太太,我年底也许会参加她的订婚仪式。

右一那位,是来自槟城的非常槟城人。他态度槟城人,做事槟城人,说话槟城人,动作槟城人,吃饭槟城人,统统槟城人。如果槟城选代表,我一定推荐他。他带给了我一种诚恳,虽然有时有点没礼貌。第一学期的导师关怀节,他说他吃不惯这里的食物,很想念槟城的美食。

右二那位,老实说他有点帅。他看来是个很理想的对象,不过俗话说相爱容易相处难。交往时是一回事,结婚后朝夕相对问题就来了。我们到昔加末考察时我晚上没办法入眠。

左三那位,很高兴她有架相机,让我的自拍技术进步了许多。

其他的朋友,有机会再谈吧。





大家拿着汤匙拍照的背后有一个故事,是关于非常槟城人的。


一个星期后我将考试。十二月中,探险起航。

Monday 13 October 2014

It's October, I Am Woken Up

I said please wake me up when September ends. Yes, September ended. But I woke up to another nightmare. Mid October is approaching, work load is increasing exponentially as usual. 


Anatomy is hard. Do I look convincing?

I am preparing for my year end exam. I really do hope I can excel this time. I want to ace it. I am tired to stay around the borderline. Being at the level below the top doesn't really suits me. It's time to step on the launching pad.

But, can I? Hahaha.
Well, perhaps I am finally determined to propel forward. The thing is do I have the capability? I felt like after the trauma my telomeres are shortened. There is a decrease in my intelligence. I am thinking how to reverse this condition. My capacity to memorize has severely declined. Plus, maybe I don't like the drugs name so I can't remember them. And of course anatomy, there are too many parts so by the time I finish, it's either I forget the initial parts or I have nerves, arteries and veins all mixed up. 



Yes, it's time to fly over the obstacles! 

Another reason to work harder and harder and harder. So I can truly enjoy my first year year end holidays with someone. 


Thinking to set the first and second photos as profile picture. Haha. What do you think?

Oh, I love how I smile and laugh.

Friday 19 September 2014

等一个人

今天真的很懒散。也许是前天刚考完期中考的缘故,这个周末很想过得慵懒。

心里清楚这是不行的。紧密的课程使我不能不每天都温习功课。更何况我已再度落后,必须努力赶上进度。还有,前天的考试和前两次一样,都惨不忍睹。值得欣慰的是,成绩应该不会比上两次烂,只是一样烂罢了。这年头没进步,没退步,原地踏步也是件开心的事。

说起前天的考试,心中有一点难过。这一次,我努力了。然而,在寒冷的考场里脑细胞似乎被冻结了,大脑无从运作,宣告阵亡。原来努力后的失败还是令人失望的。上两次我没什么读书,对于成绩当然不奢求,心情自然轻松自在。

十分钟后,学长辅导班将开始。我是不去了,在等一个人的电话。

不知不觉妳已远赴英国一个星期多了。也许“不知不觉”用在这里不是很恰当。那天我们离开机场之后,感觉我的一部分也和妳一起飞走了。归途的夜,陪伴我的有那又大又圆的月。这个中秋节,月亮有了我应该不会那么孤独。我沿途走着,看着前方那还没有缺口的月,一度以为我可以一步一步地走到月球表面。关上房门,才发现不在月亮的缺口,原来跑到了我的心。

那一天,我盼了好几个月。原本以为我会死掉,我却还活着。这算不算重生呢?妳走了,伤心在所难免。但是,我还有莫名的平静。好像松了一口气,好像终于放下了。背负了几个月的重担一下子轻了许多。这一个星期,偶尔想起妳想起破碎的梦还是会很消沉。不过,我还是熬过了。听说妳在那里过得很好。那就好,继续加油。

电话,还没响起。

就说说我们前天考完试后看的那部电影吧。这一场电影是由学生会赞助的,免费的东西错过了就是犯贱。我们看的是《移动迷宫》。整体来说很不错,和《饥饿游戏》属于同一类型。

或许我就在一座迷宫里。如果是这样,我需要穿越迷宫的无比勇气。

让我继续等那一个人的电话吧。


Monday 8 September 2014

冷牛奶

今年给妳的最后一份礼物是这一本书。

也许妳可以在飞机上看完,然后可以因为想念而大哭一场,然后忘了小说的故事,却不可以忘记我。

今年和妳离别前最后一部电影也是有关这一本书。

附送的电影海报妳可以贴在房门后,当着是妳房间的第一个装饰。

妳很有可能一路哭完这一趟旅程,然后到了再继续哭。听说妳有携带一只小熊,那就抱着他或者把头埋在他里头哭吧。

不知道妳会不会觉得小说很感动。我就觉得这部很特别,很真实却不太过通俗。小说里的人物也给了我很大的启发。

一个人怎么会愿意承受这么大的委屈,也甘心做个小人物,却活得精彩。

我是否应该换个角度看待我的人生,我的来到也许是为了扮演大地上的一棵草,而不是世界的主角。

别担心,妳很快就可以驱动往妳梦想驶去,开始妳精彩的另一页。妳的热忱足够带妳越过一道道坎,冲向广大蔚蓝的天空。想念不会羁绊妳,因为妳是冷牛奶。

祝妳一路顺风。

用一杯咖啡的时间,和妳说一声再见。

Friday 22 August 2014

医学一年级生的诗

上大学念医学系,生活还是要继续。
吃喝玩乐少不了,时间挤挤就有了。
夜半三更灯不熄,其实大家在游戏。
生理药理心理学,解剖一刀就见血。
从早读书读到晚,到底几时才读完。
还来不及穿白袍,一身毛病不能逃。
既然无法换跑道,还是趁早读书好。

——废材医学生的独白,大力用肺哼出的诗。

Thursday 21 August 2014

拉惹乌达街走九遍



耳 聽見的每首歌曲 都有我的悲


眼 看見的每個昨天 都有你的美


腳底下踏的曾經你我的點點


我從日走到夜 心從灰跳到黑


穿過陌生人潮搜尋你的臉


有人走的匆忙 有人愛的甜美


有时候就是喜欢一直唱经典歌曲。这一回给我找到了动力火车。希望他们能给我一些推动力。

马来西亚好像没有一条忠孝东路,我该在哪一条路走九遍呢?

八打灵街?

不好,没常去,没感觉。

拉惹乌达街也许是最佳的选择了。我就住在街边,我就读的小学也在这条街,中学也离这条街不远。更重要的一点是,我曾经徒步走过几次哦。

好吧,找一个风和日丽的上午,就在这北海最热闹的大街走上九次吧!然后再往自己身上倒一桶冰水。

事后,所有的忧愁是否会烟消云散,所有的记忆是否会停止翻腾?


Saturday 16 August 2014

Movies

I sort of starting to return to my previous routine, which is paying a visit to the cinema on every Friday. By previous I mean 2 years ago. Since I started A levels I developed the habit of watching a movie on every Friday, whether it is in the cinema or on my Vaio, cuddling someone. However, months later the routine was stopped, perhaps due to the stress of perceived tough examinations and lack of appealing films.

This time, I come to a point which I must squeeze the movie slot in even though I have a very tight schedule. You can say the condition is desperate, or in a more negative sense, chronic. Why. Is it to release stress? I would feel even more stressful after watching one. I don't know what am I searching for. Again, I am lost. I hate to have such Friday routine again, I just don't want to do stuff the way I did last time. I do laundry on a different day, I avoid taking public bus, I cut my nails on weekdays. I even try to phase out the clothes I used to wear. Psychologically, I am hoping that with a different routine I could block out some memories.

Maybe subconsciously I am searching for meaning. My mind and body wander aimless following the crowd. To the lecture theater, to the cafeteria. 

Movies provide an escape from the real life. So often I want to let go and run away. But the problem is, where can I run to. When each movie is coming to the end, my heart is filled with emptiness again.

I came to a conclusion that some wounds can never be healed, move on and live with it is the only way. However, I am not acclimatized to carry it with me yet. Anyway, I am preparing for the day to come, it could be my worst day ever in this year, maybe slightly better than the day I had earlier this year. Garnering all the courage and be there for you on that day. Sometimes you just couldn't let someone down, even if it means you might not have any pieces of you left. Just buck it up.     

Monday 4 August 2014

新学期

无穷尽的假期都不够,你说为期三周的假期会足够吗?

这次订了一大早的班机,是准备一抵达就赶往医学院上课的。虽然这并不是很明智的选择,但秉着“你只活一次”的疯狂,还是没有他想的订了。也许在那个时候不想回的心情已经深深地根深在我的潜意识里。差点赶不上班机只是不想回的另一个表现。

哦,对了。我又差一点就赶不上班机了。不知好歹的我勇敢地订了上午6时50分的航班,却在5时30分睡醒。匆忙地感到机场时已是6时30分,服务柜台关闭了。所幸有另一名搭客快我一步,为我挡住了被数落的第一波。

开始时我只是大步地走,到了关卡才发现身份证掉了。在走过的路上一路寻,在位于机场另一边的柜台寻获。此时大家似乎都登记了,我只好撇下我亲爱的妈妈奋力地奔跑。在机场奔驰我还是头一回,从前我都是从容不迫地游走于中。穿梭在人群中,有种想逃离过去的感觉。在这一栋豪华的建筑物里,冷不只是皮肤的知觉,还有心里上的折磨。人来人往,互不相识。抵达的脸上的笑容灿烂无比,离开的,有的兴奋,有的伤感。以前搭飞机时就不喜欢机场所带来的感受,现在更加不喜欢了,甚至厌恨。脑海里拖着大行李,微带不舍的心情向父母招手,然后缓步进入国际出境厅的画面注定无法在现实上演。

身上散发喜乐气息的看来就只有我那双红色Skechers跑步鞋。或许应该感谢它的轻盈,让我顺利地奔上了飞机。

回到了那个房里,熟睡中的室友对我的出现没有反应。我努力地压抑忧郁,却还是失败了。把身体抛在床上,忧郁在狭小的房间迅速蔓延。这不是我要的生活。

第一堂课是关于这学期的简介,该读什么,会考什么。我仿佛回到了第一天上课的时候,很想非常想的夺门而出。说我是败者吧,我已忘了胜利。真的吗?我才熬过了一个学期?

但我是不会让我的父母失望的,还有我家里的医生们!

现在只能从我拥有的打造我最完美的未来,谱写我最亮丽的人生。在这一个呕心沥血的过程中,我需要一个激励源,源源不绝地推动我。

那个泉源,会是谁?会是什么?

Thursday 31 July 2014

The Fault In Our Stars

It has been quite a long time since I wrote about a movie. This movie is about the love story between two pernicious cancer patients. Frankly, I almost cried when I was watching the movie. But many thoughts came after the movie while I reflected on the story.

Everyone has problems. This is sort of a truth I arrive at after contemplating about life this year. And regardless of the intensity of the problem, as in no matter it is big or small, it deserves full attention and help to be solved. Just as there is no standard answer in life, some problems cannot be solved, you have to live with it. However, there is a possibility which the intensity of the problem can be reduced to a minimum level. The emotions elicited by the problems can be alleviated by tools. One easy method is to count your blessings, to be thankful for all things. I still have a healthy body, I have eyes ears nose mouth limbs which are functioning.

I do not have cancer.

Yes, thinking about the less fortunate will make us grateful towards what we own. However, we will soon forget about it and start to magnify our own problems. Looking at the physically challenged we are glad that we have legs but we start to lament that we don't have shoes. Perhaps this is our nature. I am working on it too, constantly reminding and be thankful that I am well blessed in many areas. This is real tough, as I am always blinded by my grief, self-wallowing in my loss.

Come back to the movie. If you are terminally ill will you desire to love and to be loved? There is not much worries for healthy individuals to start a relationship, but it requires a lot of courage and confidence for patients like them in the movie.

When you know you are dying, what is your fear. The thought of Augustus Waters best represents mine. How will I be remembered. Like him, I wanted to be great, to stand out of the 7 billion. Finally Hazel Grace enlightened him, and me too. I often hear a whisper in my mind, to achieve greatness one must be brought low first. Just like the bible says, those who want to be the head must be the tail, and the tail will be the head.

Okay.


Thursday 10 July 2014

寂寞时光

今天考的是高教部制定为必修科的种族关系和伊斯兰和亚洲文明。这个学期每个周末还要上课,罪魁祸首就是这两个科目。

之前上课也没什么听讲,小考也是大家一起用荧幕作答的,所以面临这次大考时还有些紧张。原本已经下载了讲义准备好好地读过一遍,但后来去了学生事务部一趟,得知我已经及格了。于是,我轻松地渡过了昨天。

考完试后没有立刻回家是很痛苦的一件事情,这是因为同学们都返乡了,。也许我应该说从今年开始这将会是很煎熬的。以前,觉得在这里呆多几天也好,可以很自由。趁着没朋友找的几天好好地干自己平常上课想干却不能干只好把它写在笔记本里等到假期才干的事情。比如说,一个人在房间里看电影或书籍。除此之外,我通常会开心地拉着一个人的手去吃东西或逛街。对了,还有逛书局!它是在广场里继电影院后我最想光顾的景点。总之,就是很享受独自一人没事做的心情,可以没有压迫感地做自己喜欢做的事。

但,那都是以前。现在觉得自己一个人在那么宽阔的空间很落寞。我渐渐失去一个人生存的能力。我需要在一个群体里,或至少也要有一个人陪我。单独一人时我会仿佛失去了方向感。室友去了新加坡,回到无人封闭的房间会窒息。因此,接下来的几天如何渡过是我生存下来的关键。

我盲目地想融入一个群体里,不过我却不想放弃自己的自由。跟随一群朋友就必须配合他们的时间。而大家总会把时间耗费在等待上。一个午餐地点的决定也很耗时。寂寞还是自由?也许现阶段还是不要寂寞好。

四处游走一段时间后,决定在图书馆更新部落格。过后的时间,再看着办吧。

哦对了,我还有X计划。


Sunday 29 June 2014

爱妳

最近这几天都一直开朋友伟杰的玩笑,不亦乐乎。我的同谋,当然是和我夜夜同眠的扬贤。开什么玩笑呢?就是一直嘲弄伟杰喜欢漂亮且有张照片神似陈研希的苧荟。哈哈哈。虽然这真的非常幼稚,但又无法停下来。他也毫不掩饰他对她的感情,只可惜错过了追逐的时期,大家报读了不同的医学院。我当然很鼓励他勇敢追一次,不是为了避免他错过大雨,而是想看一场演出。啊,我好坏。对他,他可以为爱勇敢一次。对我,我可以期待故事美好的结局。此举乃一石二鸟啊,得赶快让他付诸行动才行。

这首歌是伟杰最喜欢的!嗯,其实是我们让他喜欢的。换句话说,我们逼他喜欢的。不对不对,是我们诬蔑他喜欢的。总之,这是伟杰喜欢的歌。

既然是伟杰喜欢的歌,作为朋友,我们每天贴心地为他二十四小时播放。不懂得阅读中文的扬贤为了他还特地找了有拼音的视频练唱喔。我们积极地练习,希望可以在考试后录制一个版本帮他赠送佳人。

话说回来,这篇歌词现阶段对我来说有某种程度的意义。就说我是太过依赖,太为爱疯狂吧。又或者,是不甘愿停止热恋。


我閉上眼睛 貼著你心跳呼吸


而此刻地球 只剩我們而已


你微笑的唇型 總勾著我的心



每一秒初吻 我每一秒都想要吻你



就這樣 愛你愛你愛你 隨時都要一起


我喜歡 愛你外套味道 還有你的懷裡


把我們 衣服鈕扣互扣 那就不用分離


美好愛情 我就愛這樣貼近 因為你



有時沒生氣 故意鬧脾氣


你的緊張在意 讓我覺得安心


從你某個角度 我總看見自己


到底你懂我 或其實我本來就像你



想變成你的氧氣 溜進你身體裡



好好看看在你心裡



你有多麼寶貝 我愛你



我們愛情 會一直沒有距離 最美麗

我和妳,注定在地球的两端。

妳的离开,会不会引发我的戒断症?


Friday 27 June 2014

午夜听曲



妳说妳的手机在充电,一小时后再拨电给我。

“今晚通宵煲电话粥好吗?”

一贯冷酷的妳,原来也可以很浪漫。也许覆盖妳心厚厚的冰已开始变薄,我想是不是我把它融化了。

好,我躺下,在电话响起前睡一小时。

午夜十二点,电话响起了,我沙哑的声音出卖了我。“今晚不聊了,你快继续睡。” 不行,我想念妳,想听听妳的声音。环顾漆黑的房间,室友已呼呼大睡。要是吵醒了他就不好,我戴上耳机,把收音的部件夹在双唇之间,并且把声量压得低低的。

嗯,要谈什么呢。说好要聊到进入梦乡,让电话保持接通,不要说再见。看见室友翻来覆去,以为干扰了他的睡眠,我却不想因为这样而挂电话。想起某个格外孤独的夜晚,希望妳在我身边唱歌哄我入睡,这回妳唱唱歌如何?

妳还真的唱起歌来,一首接着一首。我闭着双眼,专心地听妳唱,听妳笑。妳清脆的歌声在寂静的夜晚驱走了我该有的疲倦。室友梦得香甜,我也听得陶醉。原来这些都是妳常听的歌,原来这些都是妳喜欢的歌。

后来呢,自动播放变成了点歌环节。唱了近两个小时妳也不觉得累。

真希望每天都可以听见妳的声音,看见妳清秀的脸庞。

我躺在床上,闭上眼有妳在脑海里,心里有妳的嗓声萦绕。

Wednesday 25 June 2014

爱慕


喜欢这样和妳度过一个下午。

没有忧虑,不必想太多,和妳面对面聊天。聊的话题五花八门,却都不是太沉重的。

但我还是比较喜欢倾听妳说话,看妳丰富的表情和小嘴表达妳无邪的情感。

噢,还有妳夸张的动作,还有妳自我陶醉的神情。

我仿佛走出了过去,也不急盼未来,真正地活了一次当下。

爱讲话的我不曾如此心甘情愿地聆听。没有批判妳所说的,没有在意妳的脾气,就纯粹地欣赏眼前的妳。

我可以这样子呆上一天,愉快轻松的一天。

因为总要回到现实,所以很珍惜那一分一秒。

只想说,我爱妳。








Thursday 19 June 2014

世界杯

每隔四年举办一次的世界杯足球赛今年再次于巴西展开了。无可否认的是上一届的主题曲动听多了!四年,四年前,四年后。有些记忆就是会因为某些事件而重新被打捞……

我又来了,明知道自己不应该再度光临过去。习惯,却很难纠正过来。

跳入哈里波特故事里的冥想盆,回到四年前,我看见了什么?

看见自己羞涩的脸孔……

看见自己完美的自信……

看见自己生活的热忱……

看见自己上进的态度……

看见自己幼稚的想法……

看见你的一举一动……

记得你是在国际交流营里和他们看决赛的。

看看自己当时都在搞什么,看看自己的脑袋有没有这么紊乱。那时候,我们在教室的后方一起谈论球赛。这时候,我们用实验室里的电脑一起看精彩片断。我们,已经不再是同一伙人。

那时,也如现在一样,告诉自己必须熬夜看直播,却没有一次起得来。这一年,无论如何一定要看决赛!

好了,大家相约在麻麻档看,好不好?

四年后的世界杯,我还没有毕业。妳,会在哪里?会不会在我身边。

到时候,我们会是谁?


Saturday 14 June 2014

周末随笔

最近有点忙。

除了忙作业,也得忙“应酬”。这个星期,几乎每天都有邀约。说是应酬,真是太没人情味了。如果是去年,我肯定不会花时间见朋友聊天。最大的原因其实很简单:我在上课啊。学期还没结束,是不可以过得太轻松的。很讨厌周一至周五出去见面,一来无法复习,二来不能预习。也很不喜欢那种人在吃喝玩乐,心却挂念着学业的愧疚感。因此,我都不会在周末以外的日子出去。

还有另一个原因:情愿和昀宅在宿舍。哈哈哈。虽然我是比较喜欢往外跑,但是她让我见识了呆在室内的美好,不必晒太阳,不会被雨淋。

既然这样,是什么改变了我的习性呢?

就知道你猜得到。没了一起宅在室内的伴,当然还是出去走走呼吸外面的空气吧。嗯,空气很肮脏。猛烈的太阳,我有墨镜。倾盆的大雨,我有把伞。少了昀,衣服被雨淋湿的面积减少了。哈哈哈。不过,我甘愿淋着雨。

至于学业的因素,今年悟出了一个道理:书永远读不完。也许朋友也永远见不完,但是友谊可以天长地久。每一句鼓励的话,影响深远。不想再自我中心,会花时间在别人身上。造就别人的话,多说几句。

现在出去逛街,总觉得手好空。有时多买几样东西,就只是为了有东西可以抓。觉得冷时,就只能擦掌。

还有一个问题,为什么人总是要等到失去才会珍惜?热天期望下雨,雨天盼望太阳。







不,已经放过一次。这一次,不要再放手。

Wednesday 4 June 2014

诊所探访

这是我们第二次到位于吉隆坡的诊所去。这次的目的是为了访问到那里看病的病人,然后写一篇报告。第一次实践所学的技巧,过程中过多的停顿和犹豫,毫无疑问地我需要多加练习才行。

至于我所访问过程的细节和详情,由于必须尊重病人的隐私和医生的职业操守,我不便在这里透露。只能说整个过程很顺利。

不过,却发生了一件有趣的事,当然无关我所访问的病人。当我在诊所外面陪同病人时,有一位华裔男性突然和我说起话来。他看起来不会很年老。他是以广东话开始和我交谈的。

一开口他就对我说:“你的那一个女同学长得很高,你有追她吗?”。我愣了一下,心里觉得好笑,果然是典型的华裔老伯,最注意的还是女性。

“没有。”

“为什么没有?她给谁追了?”

广东话无敌烂的我已经做好逃跑的准备。

“我有了。” 心想他会不会误会我怀孕了。

“她长得那么高,你也很高,去追她呀!” 他不懂是听不见,还是听不懂我的回答。

我吸了一口气,慢慢的吐出:“我、有、了、女、朋、友。”

“你几岁?虽然她不是很漂亮,但是以后身为一名医生她算是不错了。”
难道女医生都是丑的吗。

“二十。”

“才二十岁就有女朋友,好好读书吧。” ………… 老伯,是您鼓励我去追女生的。

他转身对我另一位女同学说:“那你呢?二十岁有没有男朋友阿?”

她以一口流利的广东话说:“我没有,但我可以访问你吗?”

“我不要!那这位不错啊,人够高,看起来很Play boy。” 老伯指着我说道。我严重怀疑他的判断能力。

“哈哈哈哈哈哈哈,老伯,帮帮忙吧,一下就好!” 其实我明白她这个时候她只能傻笑。

“他人也很帅啊!我不要!除非有奖拿,美女。” 就是因为他前半段那句话我才没把他标签为神志不清,也不想逃跑。

就这样,他开始他的演讲。说他的儿子,说他的经历。他竟然对大家说我和他是朋友。

他临走前还嘱咐我一定要记得他,将来给他免费看诊,然后对周围的病人说:”Matthew is a nice boy!“

就这样,我莫名其妙地交了一个朋友。也第一次用广东话和英语完成了一次交谈。

我却连他的名字都不晓得。



Sunday 1 June 2014

那张五令吉


虽然最近自己发起了一场思维革命:那就是拒绝陷入回忆过去的泥沼,还有抵抗忧郁惆怅的情绪,但思绪有时还是会不知不觉地飘回到“那些年”。

其实从二十三个月前开始,每个月有那么的一天,我们会回忆当初到底是怎么一回事。也许一直思想我们为什么会在一起可以让我们走得更远。到了今天,我还不是很确定到底这是如何发生的。这个转变可以说是很奇妙,甚至梦幻。这个转变也改变了彼此的生命。至少对我来说这大大地影响我两年以来的生活,虽然不至于翻天覆地,但也成为了我人生不可或缺的一块。我想,这样一个的变化还是会继续在我的未来泛起涟漪,直到我们分开?

我企图探讨我们开始前后的关系。就如之前提过的,对妳的印象少之又少。或许我应该以研读历史的态度来看待我们这一段日子。那么我们的起点应该是部落格。但是这样地客观也未免太严肃了些。好吧,我就尝试把我们开始之前我对妳的印象如故事般叙述,让记忆形成文字,文字化为永恒。

*

一个美丽的星期六早晨,男孩和女孩到附近吃早餐。

女孩坐在男孩的对面,微风吹起,男孩不难注意到了女孩被风吹动的发丝。由于头发乱了,女孩显得有点懊恼。

享用了早餐后,在归程的路上女孩突然发现她遗失了一张五令吉。男孩不知道该怎么做,是安慰女孩呢,还是帮女孩找回那张五令吉,又或者把自己的五令吉给她。

女孩虽然有点惊慌,但还是很快地把事情抛到脑后,继续地哼着歌。最后,男孩好像对女孩说:“或许拾到钞票的会是个穷人,就当作是做了件好事吧。”。女孩微笑地点点头。

男孩觉得女孩很开朗。

那一天,风很大,而男孩似乎永远都会记得那张五令吉,还有女孩迎风翩舞的长发。





这,是其中一个故事。

Friday 30 May 2014

X 计划


是时候了。

几个月来,接受了太多的正能量治疗。父母、家人、佳人朋友等等各方都集中火力向我全面发射正能量。起初没有显著的效果,情况还继续恶化,甚至到了快要放弃一切治疗的地步。到了近期连续接受了一系列的治疗:讲座、上课、导师等等后,大脑皮层似乎开始有了正面的反应。体内内啡肽水平持续上升,情况乐观,有信心可以超越正常水平,健健康康。

抱歉,我,是医学生。

大一第一学期的医、学、生。

老实说,这真的没什么了不起。医学生,无论如何都是个学生。别人当你是天才,讲师天天说你是蠢才。上课时我觉得我简直蠢呆了,我还不会这一种新语言——就只管叫它“医语”吧。但是,大脑后方总有个声音一直细说,只要是马条干的事没有一样是不了不起的。告诉你哦,就连失败,也跌得够彻底,够了不起的。那些喜欢“关心”(也许关注比较贴切)我的,给我听好了,如果是真关心,我体会得到。写在这里的东西,你看得到不代表是给你看的。在外面说的闲话,少了我的事也很热闹吧?天哪,任尔东西南北风,再来南北东西挫,发生这一切之后我还能在这里吹,还真有本事。

好吧,继续说说医学生。其实,也没什么好说的。但是,总该说些什么才是。成为一名医生的过程,在我看来就如毛虫变蝴蝶。目前这一门科系给我最大的吸引力不是未来的公德名利,或者饱读经书的快感,而是如何做人。

我看到的是,一个可以真正地朝向健全人格塑造进发的机会。一名医生,不应该只会关于医学的知识。学术方面,他应该达到上知天文,下知地理的境界。不过,我觉得更重要的是他为人处事方面的成熟。他站出来,就会让人觉得不一样。这不是社会地位的问题,而是由于大将之风、能够担当、处事不惊、对人和蔼。孔子也说”泛爱众,而亲仁,有余力,则学文”。

说到这儿,到底什么是X计划?

一对X染色体代表着女性,X计划当然是献给她的。哈,这到底是什么,现阶段无可奉告。不过,线索能够在这篇里头找到。

歌曲,可以唱出许多人的心声。歌曲,可以叙说许多人的故事。歌曲,可以代表我牵妳走过的日子。

不是回味过往,而是升华记忆。

是时候了。



Monday 26 May 2014

Bangkitlah




You've seen my monsters, you've seen my pain, you're told of my problems, you've tried to chase them away.

You have seen it all, I do not have anything to hide from you. Thank you for keep on trying, I never take for granted. I know you are really fed up. Everyone does. It's time to sit down and talk again.

I remember when we first started you let me listen to "Dark Side" by Kelly Clarkson. I didn't understand what the lyrics was about. Then slowly I began to know, love covers all offences. And I am learning it.

Perhaps I used the wrong way, it shouldn't be mere tolerance. It's time to sort out the better approach.

Yes, I will definitely rise. But it takes time.

I think I am just like the young Charles Xavier in the most recent X- Men. I have many voices in my mind, I am afraid of the background commentary voices. I shut myself up. I lose hope. However, this is what the old Charles advises the young Charles :" Feel the pain, embrace it, your mind will be stronger than ever before."

Shall I open up my wounds to the brutality of truth.

Am I ready to do it. Can I bear the pain.






Tuesday 29 April 2014

2048 solved!

I came back from campus last night at 10.30pm. After I brushed up it was about 11pm already. I was about to climb into my comfy bed when I had an urge to try once more to solve the addictive puzzle.

So I tried. Just to assuage my addiction. However surprisingly the game flowed well. I sat upright and put my specs on, for I thought I could solve it. And I did!!

Thala.

Yeah! Happy moody Monday night.



                      

Sunday 20 April 2014

Iridescent

I have an idea, a brilliant and creative way to update my post! However, I need time and tools to complete it, let's see if I can change the idea into reality one day.

Well, days are still not easy to get by, but I have something to look forward to 2 weeks later ( you know what is it =P ). I am on a total relaxed mode, not putting as much effort as I was in A-Levels. I am a little bit guilty about that especially I remembered what Dr Sen said :" Medical students are very privileged, you have 24 hours per day! 8 hours for lectures, the rest for you to study!" I appreciate his frankness, as many lecturers say there is fun and life in med school. The reason they say so is to prevent students from being too stressful.

Today is Easter Sunday! May the resurrection power fills you! 

Though it is the day Jesus resurrected from the grave, I remembered a phrase from my favourite song 3 years ago.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure's all you've known. Remember all the sadness and frustration. And let it go, let it go.

hmmm.

Yes, it is Linkin Park. The theme song for Transformers 3.

Blessed Easter!!

回家

从来没有如此挂念家乡。只不过离开了三个星期,却好像离开了很久很久。这一次环顾家乡的四周,格外地珍惜映入眼帘的一景一物,甚至到了含情脉脉的地步。

为什么会如此想念,我不懂 。可能经历了太多沧桑,没有一个比家更让人有安全感的地方。回到了这里,回到了妈妈的身边,心里有平安。

我不想离开,不想离开这个避风港。外面波涛汹涌,外面雷雨交加。曾经红心壮志 ,曾经斗志高昂。如今,我只求安定,我只求普通。

谢谢还有一班朋友为我撑腰,没有责备,没有唾弃。

我该努力站起来。

Monday 17 March 2014

非我写的诗


林府盛世佳名扬
宇阔人伟创辉煌
安若处之树一帆
名副其实强中强

那一年去中国时买的。小时候也曾想写一首每行都以自己三字姓名为首的诗,却绞尽脑汁都写不出来。不过要写出以上如此傲气凌人的句子我实在下不了笔。心中理想的诗是一首能展现自己的性格或价值观的,这样一来下次自我介绍时只需吟诗,独特之余又可令人留下深刻的印象。

或许,在这个时刻我需要从这首诗中找回自信,才能再次迈开步伐,勇往直前。这段时期思考了许多关于人生的问题,虽然还没看破,却也有不少领悟。人生就是不停地奋斗?不然。长大了,就要学会自我肯定,不需要依赖物质的衡量。原来,是我自己想得太多而忧虑。未来是会怎样没人懂,只能走一步,看一步。不必有太严谨的规划,就如现在回首过去,每一步也不在自己的意料之中。

认识你们遇见妳,这些关心我扶持我的人们,我献上感谢。感谢你们真诚的关心让我毫无顾虑地在此分享心事,不必在意那些只想一窥其究竟的人。

Wednesday 12 March 2014

MH370与夏洛克

不需要我多说,大家都知道这起这几天来占据各大报章一半版位的马航客机离奇失踪事件。这起事件刹那间让大马成为国际焦点,其他的事情似乎被淡化了。至少十个国家,四十架飞机和三十四艘船参与搜索行动,这支团队可谓声势浩大,场面何其壮观!真希望机上的机组人员和乘客都平安归来。

这几天我躺在床上,突发奇想。如果,我是说如果,英国神探夏洛克(Sherlock Holmes)在场,他会怎么破解这宗谜案呢?在此先发表声明,这纯粹是我个人的想法,不代表任何一方,也不存心揶揄任何一方。

夏洛克会从何下手呢?我想他会以他一贯的基本演绎法出发,对任何细节都不放过,并把所得资料进行推断。当然,在结论还没出炉前所有的推断只是假设,可能存在误差。

第一步,夏洛克会到案发现场巡视收集资料。他会带着华生,乘直升机到飞机失联点勘察,参考飞行资料,研究地理形势,天气甚至太阳的方位,并在脑海中把各个可能演练一遍。

第二步,夏洛克应该会废寝忘食地把机上239人的个人资料,乃至家属资料都调查一遍。他尝试在看似毫无关联的细节上寻找线索。

第三步,夏洛克继续搜集资料,也许会要求听控制塔和机长的对话。他会上门调查每一个和那架飞机有接触的人士,包括行李运输员,添油的,维修的等等。甚至会查看全机场的闭路电视。他会有一张大地图,标着每一个人登机前来自的地方,和最终的目的地。

总之,在花大量的时间分析有关的资料后,夏洛克会推断那架飞机到底所在何处。是故障,是阴谋,谜底会被他揭开。在电影和电视剧里,没有任何疑难杂症可以难倒他。虽然他只是一个虚构人物,但世界之大无奇不有,应该会有至少一个如他般聪明绝顶的人吧?期待有个人能够扮演他的角色,把真相找出来。

不过三个臭皮匠,顶个诸葛亮。十个国家的合作,十个国家的资源,一定能够寻得失踪者的。

我这关于夏洛克的幻想,也算是反映内心希望他们能回到家属身边,大家一起祷告祈福吧。


Tuesday 4 March 2014

MATTHEW LIM YU ANN

MATTHEW LIM YU ANN
MATTHEW LIM YU ANN
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Wednesday 19 February 2014

ENFP?

Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Prospecting.

Well this seems to be my personality type according to the test. Even though I don't usually believe in personality tests, a lot of my characteristics do fit into the descriptions.

Quoting from 16personalities.com :

ENFP strengths

  • Observant. ENFP personalities believe that there are no irrelevant details or actions – they try to notice everything, seeing all events as part of a big mysterious puzzle called life.
  • Very popular and friendly. ENFPs are altruistic and cooperative, doing their best to be empathic and friendly in every situation. They can get along with nearly everyone and usually have a large circle of friends and acquaintances.
  • Energetic and enthusiastic. ENFPs are always eager to share their ideas with other people and get their opinions in return. Their enthusiasm is contagious and very inspiring at the same time.
  • Know how to relax. People with this personality type know how to switch off and have fun, simply experiencing life and everything it has to offer. Their wild bursts of enthusiastic energy can often surprise even their closest friends.
  • Excellent communicators. ENFPs tend to have great people skills and they instantly know how to present their ideas in a convincing way. They can handle both small talk and deep, meaningful conversations, although the ENFP’s definition of small talk may be somewhat unusual – they will steer the conversation towards ideas rather than weather, gossip etc.
  • Curious. ENFPs are very imaginative and open-minded. They enjoy trying out new things and do not hesitate to go outside their comfort zone if necessary.

ENFP weaknesses

  • Highly emotional. ENFP personalities tend to have very intense emotions, seeing them as an inseparable part of their identity. This may often cause the ENFP to react strongly to criticism, conflicts or tension.
  • May have poor practical skills. ENFPs are brilliant when it comes to solving problems, creating processes or initiating projects (especially if they involve other people) – however, they are likely to find it difficult to follow through and deal with the practical, administrative side of things.
  • Overthink things. ENFPs always look for hidden motives and tend to overthink even the simplest things, constantly asking themselves why someone did what they did and what that might mean.
  • Get stressed easily. ENFPs are very sensitive and care deeply about other people’s feelings – this can cause them a lot of stress sometimes as people often look toward them for guidance and encouragement, and the ENFP cannot always say “yes”.
  • Find it difficult to focus. People with the ENFP personality type lose interest quickly if their project shifts towards routine, administrative matters – they may not be able to stop their mind from wandering off.
  • Very independent. ENFPs loathe being micromanaged or restrained by rules and guidelines. They want to be seen as highly independent individuals, masters of their own fate.
Yes I am a very emotional guy, those who know me well know it. This is clearly shown through my writings. Sometimes I even think I am too cissy, confiding my deepest thoughts and feelings to other people. I am feeling directed.

Besides, the description of the personality points out that I am likely to have difficulties dealing with routines, administrative matters. This is true as I am bored after 1 week as a teacher. However, I force myself to commit to the job as I take it as a challenge to deal with boredom.

It also says that I am a non-conformist. Hence, I will not fix myself into this personality frame!XP

Thursday 30 January 2014

万马奔腾,锦绣前程!

虽然人人说年味渐淡,但是无论如何过年嘛就好好开心聚一聚。总觉得只要大家聚在一起,自然会闻到阵阵年味香。

今年的新年和我的生日很接近,可以说是喜上加喜。感谢大家给我的祝福和一个温馨的庆祝会,把我从忧郁中解救出来。尤其是捏你,感谢你一直得鼓励。

对了,昨天学校举办了《春到北钟》春节才艺欣赏会。坐在老师席上观看和当年与朋友们坐在地上起哄的感觉不同。可能是当了临教而表现得拘谨些,不敢在学生面前太亲善。有我那年的同学来校看望师长,不知怎么我有点害臊,没和他们交流。

昨晚吃了年夜饭后,赶去和少年军警的战友们见面。很高兴我赴了约!有些朋友已经好久不见,虽然无法一一与大家畅谈问候,但至少能见上一面。也许我们从前同甘共苦地筹办各种活动和参加各种比赛,而缔结了一种无法磨灭的情结。过去的摩擦大家已经释怀,只知道我们都是少年军警的一份子。就说这是一种归属感吧。

马上幸福!
马年蒙福!
马条祝福!






Sunday 26 January 2014

Strained

The last day of me being 19. I am turning 20. Abolideboh. Is this a sign of maturity or old age?

I cannot even utter a syllable for the moment. I think my throat is ruptured. This is the worst case scenario of shouting everyday for 2 weeks.

And I am not in a good mood, worse even. I hope this will not turn out to be my most miserable birthday of all. Didn't I just received my A-level results? Previously I thought if I have good results I would be very happy during my birthday. But it is not so apparently.

Perhaps I am absolutely a mute now, frustration comes when people ask me questions. I cannot speak. After explaining my condition to them via sign language, they finally understand but they will come back awhile later forgetting I cannot speak at all. I don't bother to entertain them. And the people surrounding me started to label me as "emo", I am not sure it is because of my lack-of-smile expression or the absence of my voice.

Yes, I have lost my speech. Maybe this is the reason why all the negative thoughts start to pile up in my heart. I have no way to pour out, no way to speak to anyone. Suddenly the poor me alone in my own dark world, while everyone seems to be celebrating. I cannot even cry out to God. Never have that voice.

I wonder why is this happening.

If there is an instrument to measure self-esteem, I think it will show negative on me. Pn Malathee was telling me that day, she missed the confident me. She noticed something wrong with me way before I did. You were to congratulate me for the results, but I ended up pouring out my struggles through texts. You said I have changed. You said what Pn Malathee said, the Matthew you knew was pretty confident. This time I was not ashamed to admit I have lost my confidence. I missed it too. I guess you didn't expect me to be so messed up at the moment. You tried to encourage me, but I doubted myself. Again you were amazed how shattered I am. Thank you for your comfort, thank you that you still believe the ever confident Matt will be back once he braves through this difficult time. Congratulate upon your first semester results too.

I know I can climb out of this pit. I know I must. Nobody will know your sorrows and no stranger will share your joy. I must do this on my own. I need hope, I need God.


Saturday 18 January 2014

临教有感

当了两个星期的临教,确实的说有点烦闷了。这种心情就像回到了中学上课时一样,起初重新回到学校的兴奋已经消失,开始不想起床,开始期待放学。

怎么会这样?

从前还没开始工作时,就常常思索:我连相对来说简单得多的每天上课都觉得厌烦,将来如何在职场呆上一辈子啊。常常留意父母,身边的大人和师长,很想知道为何在他们身上找不到半点厌烦的迹象。大家都是日出而作,日落而息,没有一丝怨言。或许有,但我不晓得,就像他们也多半看不出我厌倦上学的模样。

假如我将来是一名医生,行医的第一个星期应该很精彩。不过再怎么精彩刺激的事情,周而复始地做也会烦。就像现在的我,依照不可能变化的时间表,每天进班面对常常失控的同学们,很想念在家发霉的日子。如何不再拖着腿上班?很多人说,只要做自己很有兴趣的事,就能够很有热忱地去做,最好的例子就是苹果教父乔布斯。如此一听之下让人茅塞顿开的秘诀在几分钟后仍然是个秘诀。我相信我们所选择的都是我们认为自己喜爱的,不喜欢教书的不会去当教师,不喜欢医学的不会想当医生。会厌倦,是因为每天都在做一样的动作。

根据我两个星期的上班经验,要消除厌烦的负面情绪,得从心态下手。
(一)把眼光锁定在一天的工作就好,把“明天”一词从脑海里删除,这样就不会因为隔天还要上班而产生无力感。

(二)抱着正面的心情上班,享受工作的过程。就算是很单调的抄写工作,与其咒骂,不如自嘲几句,乐在其中。

(三)点燃心中的火把,一直向自己强调自己工作的目的。时时刻刻保持使命感,身为教师,提醒自己正在培育下一代,自己的言行举止对学生有着不容忽视的影响力。爱情也是一样,如果一直都有想想当初为什么爱上她,就不会轻易放弃一段感情。

(四)偶尔不按牌理出牌。会厌烦是因为单调,所以偶尔尝试一些新事物,不会枯燥,就不会烦闷。率领同学们到树下上课是一个不错的选择。

好了,就让我用下个星期来实践,看看效果如何。如果不行,感谢上帝我只会呆两个月。

Friday 10 January 2014

我想象的妳

新的一年学校开学了,我和学弟学妹们一样,回到了北海钟灵中学。我也是来上课的,只不过我不再是课室里四十多人中的一员,没穿校服没剪平头也没人理。一身西装踏入课室,四十多双锐利的眼神随着我的脚步挪移。到了桌前我抬头眼睛扫视,两排桌椅并肩排成一组,共四组,挂在微黄的后墙上是蓝色布告板,此景阔别两年再次映入眼帘,同学们的问安声响当当地传入耳中。原来,我当起了临教。

回到这所我呆了三年的学校,也许是我中学生涯最后落脚的地方,我别有一番滋味。看着从下午班升上上午班的初中三的学生那么地守规矩,安安份份战战兢兢,想起当年的我也不过如此。那是我连续第三年成为“新生”,照理说应该颇有经验,不过还是严重紧张和欠缺安全感。再加上我妈跟副校长很有交情,深怕自己万一闹出事妈妈就会马上知道,因此刚开学时我表现得很乖巧,衣服塞得整齐,扮一副傻书生样。

那三年的种种,迅速在我脑里播放了一遍。我所坐的座位,上课时的情景,和老师的交谈,和同学们的闹剧,当年她高挑的身影……三年多里我心上的一个人,如今她已名花有主,我也另觅佳人。那三年的痴迷,那三年的追逐,现在仅仅是伴随着那三年记忆的乐曲。

而如今我在那部影片中切切搜寻的画面,是印象中妳清秀的脸庞。我犹如失忆症患者般努力地捡起破碎满地的记忆,企图拼出有妳在的情景。然而那一块始终是空白。

妳也和我同窗三年,不过文静的妳和喧闹的我不曾说过十句话,也许注定毕业后的日子才是属于我们的。对不起我最终的搜寻结果是妳回过头和她说笑的时候,画面也很模糊,但我觉得应该就和妳现在美丽的笑颜差不多。

我拿着教本在课室来回踱步,一面讲课一面揣摩当年的妳。看着同学们上课的百般姿态,心想当年的妳上课是否专心?当年的妳上课是否偷偷干别样?当年的妳会带课本吗?依妳的性格,我想妳绝对不会在乎上一名临教的课,甚至厌烦。对了,还有当时的妳暗恋的是他。

空旷旷的食堂有我一个人吃饭,那些年我们一群少年军警战友所集合休息的地方,现今已是一座办公楼了。那时的我们万众一心,雄心壮志,誓言提升少年军警在学校乃是北海一带的声望。看着眼前的食堂,心里猜想那几年妳和妳的姐妹们都是坐在哪里的,有像我们有个固定的地点吗?是在隔壁的小食堂?还是是附近的石桌椅?我往口里送一口饭,熟悉的味道唤起更深层的记忆。当年的妳下课都吃什么?是云吞面?还是咖喱面?

看来我会在这里呆上几个月。校园里,眼前有陌生的脸孔,脑海有我亲切的妳。过去的回忆补不上妳,未来的记忆少不了妳。


Wednesday 1 January 2014

Two O One Four

From one point of view, this transition have never been so fruitful and exciting to me. I thought woe to me this time I had to stay in church for thanksgiving and watch night services. In other words, counting down to the new year in church, without friends. Since I attended the first time I have been finding excuses to skip the church services, either celebrate with friends or rather go to bed early. Ya, you got it right, it is going to be real bored spending such rare occasion on the church bench.

I decided to attend because I couldn't find any good excuses and I was guilty of skipping for several years. On top of that I didn't have the one as company to count down together with me in this so called sweet 1314 transition. Things changed when Clarence told me he would be fetching Angie Loh there. I was like, W-H-A-T? Why on earth would Angie Loh attend? And why watch night service. This was going to be interesting.

Okay, this wasn't her first time to church yet she asked some questions which to us were like why-you-have-two-hands. Thank God the more mature brother in church provided satisfactory answers. And just because Clarence, Amos and Yun Sheng those KDU students were busy with their own stuff and Angie idled with me around in the church, all the aunties and uncles thought we were a couple. Unsurprisingly, my mum was the first to pull me aside and bombard me with questions. "She was your student last time, don't you remember?" I replied in a good manner, not sure if I answered her questions. Everyone thought I brought her to church. My Youth Fellowship friends thrown at me we-suspected-you-have-a-girlfriend-so-here-she-is-huh kind of faces. Come on, my girlfriend would definitely be more gorgeous, if there is one. (Alright Angie if you are reading this line, just want to tell you from my heart you are very pretty as well, some aunties agree with me.)

Sorry Angie that we were so peaceful and chill when the clock hit twelve. We couldn't do much in the church right. Anyway, we went to auto city after the services, where we proceeded to mamak because the restaurants were closed. From there we had a list of our firsts of the year 2014.

First meal of the year, roti kosong with limau ais.
First ride of the year, blue CRV.
First place of the year, Grace Church.
First breath of the year, air.
First mission of the year, waking up Amos.
First mission accomplished of the year, waking up Amos.

My new year's eve was just so fun. Four of us planned to skip the watch night service this year end and find a place to celebrate.

Reached home at 2.30am, knowing well we had the Leader's Retreat to attend at 10.00am back in church.

Ohya, Happy New Year 2014!!