信靠神

过去两周里，经历了一番混乱然后因着神的恩典逐渐地挺过来。我也在这次的低潮中得到了许多启示。

纵然我看不见神，我深知祂一直都在引领我。虽然我有时对神失去了信心，但祂依然对我不离不弃。当生活顺心时，赞美歌颂神是一件简单的事。当生活困苦时，却开始埋怨神。

人生的奥妙我仍然测不透。人总希望能够掌握并且控制一切。不幸的是，我们没有那个能力。神把我带到世间，必定有祂的旨意。圣经说我们不过是地上的旅客。这一条人生路，是为了后来的永生作准备。

信靠基督，不代表人生就会一帆风顺。如果真是这样，我想全世界都是基督徒了。耶稣也说，我们在世上虽有苦难，但祂已胜过世界。在人生的暴风雨中，信靠祂就可以享有基督的平安。这是一门功课，要在所以事物上都选择信靠祂，而不是自己的聪明才智。

我年近三十，放眼望去，人生还有一大半路。感谢神让我的幼年丰衣足食，没有困苦。我当然求靠上帝，让我剩下的年岁都不遭受困苦，一生享福。但是就算有磨难，神依然掌权，神的旨意始终是美善的。只要我学会完全地仰赖祂，无论遭遇任何事故，我都逢凶化吉，得胜有余。

人生漫漫，唯有每时每刻选择投靠永恒全能神，才可以过得安然。

Relapse, Reborn

I wonder if it is already a relapse. Or those are just prodromal symptoms. 

If it is, then it would be quite an irony because I am in the rotation that tackle the exact issue - mental health.

In the past few weeks to months, I started to experience poor sleep, on top of my chronic unrefreshing sleep. I would have early awakenings, which I don't usually have. I notice I became more lethargic, and would take long nap during my off days. Long naps caused more guilt and anxiety in the end as the day was deemed wasted. The increased sense of fatigue started in my last posting, with longer hours in bed but no improvement in the quality of sleep.

I started to feel really low especially in the morning, without apparent reason. Well, I know that I dread to get up for the day since a long time ago, but getting out of bed is just getting harder. And it takes longer time for me to get into 'working mood'. Then I will have a dip in mood when I am left alone. Getting off work and driving home used to be the happiest experience of the day, but my mind would inevitably think of something morbid. 

Night time was seemingly similar. I would do some reading, pray and get to bed as early as possible. Each day was not as productive as I intended it to be. 

I tried to fix my sleep, again. Practicing mindfulness, trying aroma therapy and have stricter sleep hygiene. It does not seem to work.

Noticing those alarming signs, I quickly acted. To be honest I am not sure what could be the stressors. What I identified recently were the subconscious anxiety and worries regarding my career. Admittedly, I do worry that I am not competent to perform in a district hospital setting or other clinical settings. Secondly, it is really time to set for a specialty. Unfortunately, I am still as ambivalent as I was in medical school. Psychiatry is still my top choice though, but I am yet to nail and commit to it. 

Recently, I am really pre-occupied with my car. It was finally repaired after a year. However, I am not satisfy with the current condition of the car. The engine is making noise and the gear is not smooth. I want to fix it but relevant parties are just pushing away the responsibility. For weeks, I am really displeased because of it. Resentment comes along with negative thoughts like I should not get involved in the accident in the first place; I should have sent the car to the brand's service centre instead of external garage. 

At the backdrop of all these I am thinking if going to Australia is a better choice. I do started my application process, but it is half-hearted. I am not as desperate as my batchmates who are so eager to get out of the country. I sincerely salute their ferociousness in this matter. I figure out to survive in another country is as difficult as surviving here. Further self-reflection shows that the ultimate reason is I am getting less and less competent in what I do. I am not confident. I am not the top student anymore. I am becoming mediocre since medical school, or worse, lousy. 

Seriously, 20 to 30 years old period witnessed the progressively decline in my life, having excelled exceedingly well in the first two decades of my life. Attempts have been done to reverse or at least slow down the trend. Some may say I am not doing harder enough. Some coping mechanisms are not as useful as it is. Distract. Conceal. Don't feel. Don't think. In my first year of medical school I told myself I had 5 years ahead. During my graduation I said there's two years more in Housemanship. Perhaps it is something needed to be confronted, maybe it is not.

Maybe the most disappointing part is God seems to be silent. However, by turning back I could catch a glimpse of His shadow. Or else I won't still be here. He is holding my life altogether in one piece, preventing it from shattering. Through and through, there's this vague nagging feeling that He is here. I can only be faithful, clinging on to His promises. I don't have great testimony about how He moves mountains for me. I can only tell He is still God, the only constant in this chaotic and seemingly meaningless life.

There's always this internal conflict within my mind and soul daily. The logical part of me would want to get me out of this deep mess. At one moment I will be pumped up with motivation to live a fruitful and productive life. Remembering all the quotes I read from self-help books and motivational videos, I would be determined to battle this and spark a purposeful life. But I would soon be bogged down by the meaningless, emptiness and aimless life. The other side of me would just want to sail this life like a space-occupying lesion, without ambition and settle for mediocrity. 

I do miss the 'me' I was 10 years ago. Full of hope. Packed with dreams. Aiming for the stars. Competitive. Top scorer. Confident. Winner in life, as she put it.

Strangely, it was that time I started to scrutinize the life of Joseph in the bible. My mother had a little cassette about the story of Joseph when we were young. She would play it in the car every time we set off for a long journey. As a result, I can memorize the story well at a young age. I could identify with Joseph being the most cherished and loved child in the family. But the 19 year-old me wouldn't want to be sold as a slave and experience all the hardship like Joseph did. Though in the end Joseph became really successful, after enduring life. I want the success but not the brutal hardship, I prayed to the Lord. At least God has given Joseph dreams for him to hold on to the end.

So what I am trying to do with my life now is, actively take charge and take control of my emotion. I started writing daily entries on my journal. I will stop taking nap. At the moment the best way to keep negative thoughts at bay is still distraction. 

What about my goal in life? Do what I can, open up more choices and let God direct the path. Simple right? Not quite so. Biblical teachings can be simple, but in fact it is difficult to apply. 

Jesus says: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?"

I have been trying to apply it since forever. Only if casting our care to Jesus is as easy as offloading a 100 Kg weight to Him in person. Now, perhaps praying more and focusing on Him will make my mind less cloudy. Truly believing He will take charge, things will get better. How I hope I can have assurance of life personally by Him.

The counsellor in medical school once told me, emotion is like a car and the mind is the front wheels. We could drive it to where ever we want. In essence, it's up to us to decide what we want to dwell on. 

There is still hope. Maybe I need a little boost with medications. Ah, I created the 3 Rs as my motto: Resilience, Responsibility and Reflection.

"Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

人生

人生，始终无法渗透。

我早已悟出人生不必思考太多，因为似乎没有答案，我只要专注在当下。可是，在忙碌的生活中偶尔停下脚步，环顾四周，心中仍然会想人活着是为了什么。

举目眺望，我看不清前方的路。好像夜晚的船只没有灯塔，好像城市里的旅人少了地图。然而我晓得，神是我的盼望，是我所依靠的。我们不过是地上的旅人，永恒的家在天上。神的怜悯每天都是新的，神的恩典够我用。

耶稣说，不要为明天忧虑，明天自有明天的忧虑，一天的难处一天当就够了。

这就是人参。

旧车修好了

在车祸发生将近一年（11个月）后，我的车终于修好了。

重新驾驶我的汽车，我有一种奇怪的感觉。我也不知道是不是因为一年没有驾驶它，失去了“触感”。亦或者是汽车经过这番折腾已经不如过往。我想两者都有关系吧。

其实我对修理的成果不是满意的。无论是从时间或服务的方面来看，我只能感叹自己身处异地，受了些欺负。这家车厂是对方找来的。记得车祸的当下，我有试着拨电寻求协助，最终也在压力下让这家厂把车拖走。

修理过程会拖了这么长的时间，也是因为一开始厂方希望报销整辆车，让保险公司赔全部保额。后来保险公司不愿意，就这样双方拉拉扯扯了一段时间，我也向国家银行投诉，厂方才愿意修理汽车。这过程中，厂方告诉我有让原厂检查，证明汽车的引擎受损，不能维修。由于一段时日后仍然没有下落，我跟进进展时厂方说原厂有人受新冠病毒感染而导致耽搁。我最终自己找上了原厂的主管，才发现没有这回事。原厂主管只收到我汽车的图片，没有派人去检查。

此时我对厂方已失去了信心，无奈汽车始终在他手里。我也百思不解他葫芦里在卖什么药。我决定自行把汽车送去验车中心，做个全面的安全检测。

当然，目前后悔也来不及了。我只能奉劝身边的友人，车祸发生时最安全的做法还是送回原厂。虽然价格会比较高，但有安全保障，心里也安心。

人生就是有很多的意外。谁叫我二十岁以前的人生过得太顺利，不曾尝过失利的滋味。这也许让我养成完美主义的心态，什么事都要按照自己的计划和心愿。可这近十年，我的人生路颠簸了起来。虽然不至于翻天覆地，但我人生的梦想一直被摧残。我因而两次跌入深谷，一败涂地，几乎一蹶不振。

那天在电台里听马云说：人生的意外很多，学会了适应，就能与众不同。我必须重新转换自己的人生观和世界观，好让自己可以更加坚韧。

这就是人参。

榴莲季节

那天和老朋友们叙旧时，才发现自己已近三十。这些年来在异乡，回家的次数越来越少。榴莲，则是越来越少吃的物品。

去年也许是疫情的缘故，我没有机会尝试这里的榴莲。今年，看着家人陆陆续续上载榴莲的照片，也开始到处打听这里是否有卖榴莲。

上个星期在外吃早餐时，突然看见外面的市场有卖榴莲。我便和堂姐过去看看。我不曾买过榴莲，更不懂要如何挑。我觉得老板看得出来我懵懂的表情，所以就向我推荐几种榴莲。他也不错，先开了我选中的看看里面的果肉是否漂亮，不漂亮的他换一个。最终我买了两个。

时隔这么久终于尝到了榴莲的味道，那是很幸福的味道。榴莲不枉称为果王，吃起来令人满足。在异乡吃榴莲，也缓解了对家乡的思念。从小在家里，榴莲都是美美地端在餐桌上，我只负责吃。榴莲的价位和挑选的技巧，我全然不知。我虽在外多年，却仍然有许多生活上的技能没有学会，特别是烹饪。原本对吃饭没有很讲究的我，一人独自在外，觉得外带省时又不费事，所以不下厨。

今天，堂姐和友人约好到海边的村子买榴莲。我人生也第一次到果园吃榴莲。以后如果有机会，也要和友人到槟城浮罗山背吃榴莲。