Monday 29 June 2015

渺小

有时觉得自己很渺小。

渺小得让人看不见,渺小得让人听不见。

也许在自己在乎的人面前自己永远都是透明的,在他们面前自己的声音从来没在空气中传播。

不,我没有在埋怨,只觉得自己静悄悄地呼吸着也不错。舞台上聚光灯下的位子不再属于我,我成了亮光背后的影子。

不,我没有在埋怨,只告诉自己孤零零地存在着是没错。就呆在影子里看着周围的一切,不批判,不赞扬,不作声。

突然之间,自己快活了。曾经的高傲,曾经的倔强,曾经的曾经,一切都随我消逝在影子里。我也似乎看不见我了。

我,我,我。

原来世界没了我,让我平静了。

原来自己没那么重要。原来自己要做的事,要唱的歌,要说的话,要见的人,要画的图,要爱的你,要诉的苦,要痛的伤,要享的乐——都没有很重要。

曾经说得太多,有太多的情感覆水难收。如今懂得自己一个人消化自己的情感,懂得与自己分担寂寞。

许多次,很想把生活中的每一次感动和每一个经历与你分享,哪怕是读到的一篇文章,看过的一部电影,或者闪过脑海的点子,又或者任何一个恍然大悟。后来抑制了那些冲动,才发现自己已失去那一个资格。

不过,曾经与你分享过的,未必都被默许,有时也只是对牛弹琴。

在广阔的宇宙里,渺小的我不再迫切地期望别人了解自己。自己该向罗宾生学习如何在荒岛生活,他也是靠着写日记来记录自己的心路历程对吧。后来,他也有了个伴。

我的伴呢。

Wednesday 24 June 2015

假的日期

假的日期,可以叫做假期。假,就是不真的意思。放假的日子,无所事事,迷迷糊糊,拖一天是一天。想做很多事情,却提不起劲。蹉跎岁月,这种感觉好像自己没活着。没活得实在的日子当然是不真实的。

这一次回来,什么事都不想做。两项作业就放着吧,时间还在等我。不做事,脑子就乱想东西了。要我活在当下,很难。思绪时而回首过去,时而放眼未来。过去,已不堪回首;未来似乎雾气茫茫。

人生,为什么身在后青春期的我还在深深地思考,为什么还在迷茫。曾经设置好的目的地,似乎已无法到达。这两年,自卑替代了自信。站在低谷里望上看,天空乌云密布。想离开,却怎么也爬不上那峭壁。

伤心的事不要到处说。

终于完全地体会到这句话的意思。

自己的苦没有人能分担,自己的快乐也没有人能感受。可我的个性就是这样,感情太丰富,总得有个出口。

心事,或许只该留给自己的另一半。没有另一半,就把它都藏起来吧。也许成熟的其中一个象征是能够把破碎的心不让人看见自己黏合。

深夜里睡不着,想了许多,也领悟了许多。

真正的快乐,原来都是我一直在追求的。

Tuesday 16 June 2015

话说秋雨

其实没有人知道她的中文名是什么,符秋雨只是个译名。或许秋怡比较恰当,但秋雨却比较浪漫。

她美。

如果以转头率为准,几个月下来我已注意到了不少男生对她的注视。除了注视,还有那个扫视人群时目光停留在她身上多出的零点二五秒。走路时,马尾不时随着她轻盈的步伐左右摇摆,像个钟摆一样。她也有长睫毛。

美,还要看举止谈吐间的气质。

我看过她激动的时候,那也很温柔。她不会喧嚷,也不会静得像哑巴。她懂得社交,这是大家公认的。不曾听见她的笑声,记忆里她总是微笑。她会说笑,却能够点到为止,从不失态。

她很美。

她的许多方面都结合了中西方的优点。学业方面就有亚洲人的认真,待人处事有西方社会的独立。她不随波逐流,也不标新立异。

她的出现,让我的第三学期偏离了单调,唤醒我沉寂已久的冒险精神。去年,我都很少和朋友到处吃饭游玩。这一次,由于她来自澳洲,就秉着尽地主之谊的精神和她到处去。最后才发现她比我懂得多,许多地方我还是头一次去。

相处了三个多月,认识了彼此,之间的距离缩短了一些,难免会意识到大家的短处。也许她了解她在这里的时间不多,造成她常常拿不定主意要在哪里用餐。许多次都走到餐馆外了她却改变主意。还有一次,我已经点菜了,她却想要吃别的,我只好霎那间努力让自己的脸皮细胞快速分裂生长,和她一起步出餐馆。别问我为什么,我有时候就是那么地迁就。另一次,她要买蛋糕,人家切好了包起来她却不想买了。这次,我的脸皮细胞无法短时间内长两寸,我便说我买下来好了,她见状才自己买了。

她其实很可爱,做过的傻事还真不少。常常发现自己一直在看着她的一举一动。我总觉得她做事的方法和我们不一样,就连握笔的方式也不一样。她画重点不用荧光笔,而是用颜色笔上色。她的笔记本是我们小学用的小方格,当然,每一页都五彩缤纷。

转眼,她即将离开。常常被问到的问题是:她走了我会哭吗?我不会。可能会觉得少了什么,但人总要学会失去。另一个热门问题是:如果她再呆久一些,我会追求她吗?我不会。我不想再犯之前的错误,有些人你明知道是错的人,看似奋不顾身,其实是飞蛾扑火。痛是一颗心,满是一身伤。

我喜欢她?

我喜欢她。

秋雨与我,只做朋友。

我给你最真挚的祝福,不求友谊永固。


爱像一阵风 吹完它就走
这样的节奏 谁都无可奈何
没有妳以后 我灵魂失控
黑云在降落 我被它拖着走

静静悄悄默默离开
陷入了危险边缘 Baby
我的世界已狂风暴雨 

爱情来的太快 就像龙卷风
离不开暴风圈 来不及逃
我不能再想 我不能再想
我不 我不 我不能

爱情走的太快 就像龙卷风
不能承受 我已无处可躲
我不要再想 我不要再想
我不 我不 我不要再想你

不知不觉 你已经离开我
不知不觉 我跟了这节奏
后知后觉 又过了一个秋
后知后觉 我该好好生活

Monday 15 June 2015

Michelle Foo's Classified Data

Full Name: Michelle Chiew Yee Foo

Birthday: 9/10/1995

Nationality: Australian

Ethnicity: Chinese

Height: Very Short

Weight: increasing

Known Languages: English, Hokkien (eavesdropping only), Indo (useful adjectives only)

Parent’s Origin: Kuching

Hobby: filling out FAQs of myself

Favourite Food: Nyonya kuih, curry (Indian, Malaysia, Thai), curry laksa, crispy popiah, apam balik, 
naan, fried rice, char kuey teow, crispy crepes, hazelnut chocolate

Favourite Fruits: bananas, pineapple, guava, red grapes

Favourite Taste: spicy - ulceratingly spicy

Favourite Beverages: chocolate ice-blended, Milo ais, Oreo Krusher

Favourite Colours: purple, pink, sky blue, green, orange

Favourite Songs: Punjabi Wedding Song

Favourite Singers: Drake, J. Cole, DJ Mustard

Favourite Films: White Chicks

Favourite Cartoon: The Simpsons, Sponge Bob

Favourite Quote: “some more?” – Dr Quek

Favourite Brands: Apple

Favourite Book: The Great Gatsby

Favourite Actor: Benedict Cumberbatch

Favourite Sports: field hockey, AFL, tennis

Favourite Games: Dodgeball

Favourite Cities:


Dislike Food: Sushi, Durian, Lemon, coffee

Best Friend Forever: Matthew Lim

Friday 12 June 2015

听爸爸的话

父亲节要到了,好久没听爸爸的话了。

好久没再到过马六甲,看着一排排的旧店屋,感觉回到了槟城。那些街道,那些咖啡馆。喜欢再次拿着地图徒步当起了游客。

或许那里的古迹没有国外来得丰富,但每个城市都有它的故事。上一次旅行是半年前,那时冷得差点冻死,这次却中暑了。踏入马六甲红教堂,里面的装潢没有欧洲教堂的宏伟设计,没有彩绘玻璃。从英国游玩回来后,就有想要发展本地旅游业的念头。

英国之旅,打开了我看世界的另一扇窗。世界那么大,别把目光注视在自己的身上。闭上眼睛回忆那些美丽的脚印,尾随的却是身后黑暗的影子。我要学会让美好的回忆和心碎的记号共存。

那天想了想,突然觉得我很不成熟。那时怎么认为那样做理所当然。一直认为自己被伤得很深,却忘了自己曾故意伤害别人。不应该故意接近另一个女生。

爸,父亲节快乐。



你听爸爸的话 说我不是个好东西
送给你的花 不配放在你家花瓶里
他要我越走越远越好
不要在一起那最好

但我听妈妈的话 要我不能轻易放弃
还喜欢的话 让我再追回你
求求你 难道你要我不孝顺吗
这是借口 你应该懂吧

你说 谁说 我说 我不爱了
胡说 瞎说 我习惯了
那菸和酒 也都戒了
证明有多在乎你呢

光上一句我想你懂
我真的不太会说话
你看你 笑了吧
你说我 算了吧

一个人的爱情很简单
两个人的相爱 为什么反而变得很难

我受够 我的爱你比较多
也受够 你的爱沉默很久
承诺太多 多少会错
你宁愿难过 也不要有结果

我受够 我的爱你比较多
倒不如回到从前的自由
说好放手 谁先开口 没有对错
反正花开了 终究会落

Saturday 6 June 2015

怎么了

“嘻哈曲風的抒情風格,是周杰倫最獨特無法取代的曲風,而這首歌最特別的是男女對唱的分­手歌 (or冷戰歌),男女都互相賭氣冷戰,吵到要分手,但是在獨自一人時卻又不斷地問自己­怎麼了? 

這段愛到底怎麼了?往往是當事人最搞不懂到底怎麼了,而這種心情以男女對唱處理,更有­出現了微妙的對照,令人心有戚戚焉,也許愛情發生問題時,不要只問對方怎麼了?而是問­自己怎麼了,也許才能真的找到答案;又或者,愛情逝去時,根本不需要答案。” 〈杰威尔音乐《怎么了》介绍〉


上次说过了最近都在听周杰伦的歌,天天临睡前都听一遍,这就是其中一首。这一首应该算是新歌吧,今年三月发表的。


可怜的室友听到都腻了,我还在重复播放。


听着听着,好像慢慢放开了。






上车了 收拾心情背上行李 我走了
一再重复听你喜欢 听的歌


甜蜜回忆太多心乱了 真的 结束了

舍不得 你唱的生日快乐歌 还记得
你的温柔方式终于 我懂了

话题聊到这里你笑了 却也 太迟了

我用咖啡拉花拉出白色的线 煮一杯眷恋
你侧脸在咖啡表面 形成了思念 形成怀念
你长发披肩 我渐渐的 勾画出 你嘴角弧线
所有的从前 我慢慢的 喝掉有 你在的画面

手中的寂寞续杯 苦了谁
清醒了当初离开你的感觉

在不是冬天季节 冷了离别

我还想听你 叫我宝贝 怕你身边 多了个谁
失眠的夜 独自面对  花少了蝶 树枯了叶
还想听你 叫我宝贝  痛快心碎 或许干脆
两人世界 漫天的风雪 我爱过  的谁

怎么了(你说呢) 为何沟通最后总是 我哭了(不说了)
承认犯错又能如何 你选择(我认了)
是不是我们都太自我 (自我) 借口 要自由

沉默了(离开了) 明明彼此付出比谁 都要多(我才多)

却相爱的比谁都要 不成熟(都怪我)
是不是等伤口都愈合(愈合) 才能 再拥有

我用咖啡拉花拉出白色的线 煮一杯眷恋
你侧脸在咖啡表面 形成了思念 形成怀念
你长发披肩 我渐渐的 勾画出 你嘴角弧线(有你在的画面)
所有的从前 我慢慢的 喝掉有 你在的画面

手中的寂寞续杯 苦了谁
清醒了当初离开你的感觉
在不是冬天季节 冷了离别

我还想听你 叫我宝贝 怕你身边 多了个谁
失眠的夜 独自面对  花少了蝶 树枯了叶
还想听你 叫我宝贝  痛快心碎 或许干脆
两人世界 漫天的风雪 我爱过  的谁

Monday 1 June 2015

Forever Young

I wonder if I ever cross your mind? To me it happens all the time.

It follows a circadian rhythm, and it is pulsatile as well. Different degree at different times of the day. Perhaps it has the highest level at night before I sleep. When the surrounding is dark and quiet, I am assaulted by the memories. Sometimes I think I have moved on, that I am addiction free. But right after I declare I am free in a victory voice it writhes my heart again. The film in my mind replays from the very start, and it never let go of a single detail. Day by day, scene by scene. I am revisiting all the moments literally. Smiling when I see the beautiful days, aching when I see my heart breaks.

How hard is it to let go, how many times have I turned back. I pause the film at many points, hoping I can intervene and change the course of our story. It doesn't have to be that way. It is not meant to be that way. The belief I hold on to, the efforts I put into. 

I am a pampered child. I get all the attention I want since young. But I can't get yours. I am always the priority. No matter how hard I tried, I just can't get it. All I wanted was your slightest attention and care.

I am the pearl in my family. But I am not in your hand. I don't remember I ever lay myself so low before we met. My pride was shattered before you. 

Is it that difficult for you? 

Eventually I realize what Sherlock Holmes said was true. 'Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.'

We are incompatible. No matter how hard we tried to cut away our edges they still couldn't fit perfectly. Is it the case? 

A good friend of mine said I am a perfectionist. I was struck by her comments. It was the first time I heard people calling me a perfectionist. I couldn't bear seeing the defects in my new books, I couldn't tolerate the folded pages of my new books. It sometimes applies to my other new things as well. Perhaps I am one. Just that I never come to realize it.

Maybe the reason why I wanted our relationship to work is due to my perfectionism? I want everything to be smooth in my life. Or is it my pride. I don't see the reason should I have failed. I did all I could to sustain it.

Or the real and most reasonably answer is love? If it is, why? Why do I still love.

Two and a half months have past, it seems like everything is okay. Sometimes I really feel alive and ready to go. I think I need more time. The healing process is going on. 

But, at the end of the day when I lie on the bed there is this annoying film screening in my mind.



Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while, 
Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies.
Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst, 
Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?

Let us die young or let us live forever
We don't have the power, but we never say never
Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
The music's for the sad man.

Can you imagine when this race is won?
Turn our golden faces into the sun, 
Praising our leaders, we're getting in tune
The music's played by the madman.

Forever young, 
I want to be forever young.
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever, and ever

Forever young, 
I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever young.

Love this song. This song can be the background track for the sweet-bitter film on my mind everyday. Even though it brings back all the memories but somehow I feel refreshed and ready to strive after listening to it. I am still young! I have a future! No matter who is for me in the journey ahead.



Some are like water, some are like the heat
Some are a melody and some are the beat
Sooner or later they all will be gone
Why don't they stay young?

It's so hard to get old without a cause
I don't want to perish like a fading horse
Youth's like diamonds in the sun, 
And diamonds are forever

So many adventures couldn't happen today, 
So many songs we forgot to play
So many dreams swinging out of the blue
We'll let them come true

Forever young, 
I want to be forever young.
Do you really want to live forever, 
Forever, and ever?

Forever young, 
I want to be forever young.
Do you really want to live forever, 
Forever young?
I like One Direction's version more. It is more lively. Visualizing maybe one day we can really accept and let go. Just like Itik and I now. Laughing at our good old days. No embarrassment, no apologies. Ah, Itik, you deserve a better guy. You can move on because I know you will. You can do better than me! I am always here with you whenever you need me, just like 4 years ago. Pick up your armour again, and fight! You are stronger than ever! But admittedly you look older.

My heart is waiting. I don't know. It is always waiting. It is constantly struggling, whether to take the risk of breaking once again. There is a girl who got its attention, but it wouldn't give in. It likes her but let's put a full stop there. 

Just realized we never dance before, if we have the chance, shall we?

And so many adventures we have not embarked, so many songs we haven't sung. I can't help thinking, who will stand by my side when I stand beneath the Eiffel again?