I have started to read this book by pastor Joseph Prince the second time. Yes, I know I should let go. I knew it since the beginning.
I researched on the net to learn the quickest way to let go and move on. I tried my best, or I at least I tried doing my best.
I appreciate all my friends who surrounded me and provided me with invaluable support. I am sorry to frustrate some of you that I couldn't get over it after 3 months. You all think that I myself do not want to let go of her. Well, perhaps that's a certain truth in it. However, I did try my best to move on, taking small baby steps each time.
Besides her, I still have a whole lot of problems to deal with. She was only the last straw that broke the camel's back. Before that incident, I was already facing some problems. But I could still hold my world together. After that incident, my world was shattered. I was devastated. I felt like my mental shield was broken. What I could handle before I cannot cope now. Thank God for my supportive relatives who helped me a lot in this difficult season of my life. When I can't see the future and feel so helpless and hopeless.
Yes, outwardly I am living like a pampered child, with family bringing me lunch at work and doing laundry for me. But you all know that I wasn't like this before. I WAS DESTROYED. And I want to pick myself up again.
I have really come to the end of myself. After being a Christian for the past 25 years, I finally caught a revelation about the true gospel. Previously, even though I know Jesus died and rose again for my sins, I still felt that I needed to be a good Christian to please God. The true gospel is, His salvation is a free gift and all I have to do is to receive and rest in Him. I knew this since young too. However, this truth just wasn't drummed into my heart.
As I mentioned I have really come to the end of myself. I am exhausted in trying to let go and move on. I am burdened to look at my future. But I know my God loves me that He did not spare His son for me. He is definitely saddened to see me to be in such a state. I know I can trust Him. I have to learn to lean on to Him daily. That's what the book is about. To live the let-go life.
Indeed, it is still hard for me to just rest and surrender all to Him. But I know by His power I will able to do it. By His love I will get out of this muddy pit and soar higher than ever. For Christ did not die in vain, He died to give me life, life more abundantly.
As I wait and rest in Him, I will rise up like an eagle. I don't know how long will it take, but surely I will rise. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. You might think I am being irresponsible now, but as I said I have exhausted all my resources. Depending wholly on Him is counter-intuitive, yet logical. My God is always there to take care of me. If my parents on earth love me so much, how much more is the heavenly father loves me. He is waiting for me to cast all things on Him.
Let my life burns again, with His unending love and grace.