Tuesday 14 February 2012

告白序

那天震杰说,当你还是单身,会很想要谈个恋爱;有了女朋友,又很想念单身的自由。

每件事情都有正反两面吧,这两面都没有绝对的好与坏,就像世界末日也只有那么一天,也应该像平常一样充实地过。

这一篇本来不想写的,因为写出来会太伊莫,不符合我“正常”的形象。如果我一边播放《那些年》,一边在夜深人静时开着桌灯含着泪写,真的会害怕写出来的东西让人在网路疯传,登上八度空间华语新闻和CNN。我会害臊的。

后来有人鼓励说应该把它完成,因为它是我的心声是吧?

我真的不想让别人误会我无病呻吟咧。写就写吧。

对了,今天好像是情人节。

没有女朋友不代表没有情人,有情人不代表一定要告白。

之前你们应该知道有多少人怂恿我向她告白,说不要错过那场大雨;也有不少人劝我放下吧,时间会冲淡一切。也有人说我都为了她做那么多,她对我有意思,只是她不懂爱情(来,大家一起“哇!!”,说这话的人没有师奶级也有师姐级了吧。)。我不会被这些言论影响自己的判断,如果告白也要看风向标,那告白的意义在哪里?

有一段时期我很想告白,下了很大的决心,几乎有舟我就沉,有斧我就破的那种境界。然而,却什么都没准备。我想大概不需要吧,我需要的只是单独的十秒钟。推销员都很清楚,在面对大众时,他们只有大概三十秒的时间引起人们的兴趣。而我,十秒钟的告白已绰绰有余。十秒种的分配是这样的:两秒深呼吸,两秒看着她,两秒做战前准备,三秒做最后内心挣扎,克服恐惧,最后神圣的一秒以迅雷不及掩耳之势告白(最好她来不及听到我就说完)。这般的轰轰烈烈,很棒对吧?

但是,迟迟等不到时机,也寻不到机会。所以我的士气就像华尔街的股票一样,上上下下。过后,又狠狠地决定不理睬妳了,却被他们奚落。对,我有点累。电话几天没有动静真的很省电。我知道,手机再震一次,只要一次就够,我的防线就会彻底被摧毁。

慧文问为什么我喜欢妳。不好意思,我当时答不出来。从来没有去想过这个问题。是逃避,还是我知道自己没有答案?

我陷入盲目狂恋的宽容?

好,就现在想。我喜欢上妳哪里了。

对我来说,妳也太单纯可爱了吧。妳就是单纯到什么都不懂,接近白痴的那种,成绩却又偏偏比我好,做起事来有点可爱。妳好像也很糊涂,并有种英国人享受阳光下午茶时的慵懒。其实妳也蛮豁达的,一副无忧无虑,事不关己的模样。不过,妳突然表现出的成熟让我真的确定我自己非常幼稚。

我太复杂了吧,所以喜欢单纯。在宽柔就读时,老师给我的评语是“思考周密”,所以我常常想很多。我在少年军警里头挣扎了几年,常常陷入《宫心计》般的斗争,我不会说我没有心机,但我不会利用心机来害人。

喜欢妳,我一度气势如虹。妳却让我觉得我的斗争没有意义。等待是行动的一部分,这句话好像很经典,其实在等什么呢?等待被拒绝才甘愿么。

我知道妳受不起别人告白的惊慌。有个很明显的例子了。妳把他闪得远远的。向妳告白,需要冒着成为你的陌生人的危险。我,也舍不得伤害妳。

说真的,告白的目的是什么,是让妳知道我喜欢妳吧。我喜欢妳,妳是非常清楚知道了解的。

在没有选择的情况下,无法轰轰烈烈地告白,只好默默地退场,渐渐消失在妳的视线范围。说不想伤害妳,其实更像给自己的心一个机会-自由。这并不是说明我投降了,只是不再主动地追求(我好像没有开始追),就让一切顺其自然吧。

或许,这也是一种等待。

我,还喜欢妳呢。


对了,情人节快乐快乐。








12 comments:

♥ Neri said...

aw matty.i guess you gathered lots of courage to publish this post because you know after all, it's still a public site. who knows she might read and respond?:) don't be so emo, but you're already emo :( it's not that bad, at least you had the courage to step up and do it you know, though you know what consequences you might get. it's either together or strangers as you said, but i guess it wouldn't be that bad. even if it really means you guys are strangers after what you did, after some time, she'll be friends with you again :) and there are a lot more people out there so even if it failed, please hakunama tata :) (of course you can be sad, but only one sec kay!)

always support you:)

Dë~3MusketEErz said...

haha.ok lor,brave enough to put all my intimate thoughts under the sun. Furthermore I posted it after someone encouraged me to complete it ma.I asked her to visit this site several times, don't think she ever come once. Even if she read it, she won't respond de lah, don't worry.Haha.

Hey I am not confessing there kay.Read the title it is just the beginning.lol.I prefer face to face confession if the chance comes. Not by phone call or paper.

This post is very emo mehh??I tried to reduce the emo-ness to the minimum dy wor. I just feel like it is time to proceed to the next stage, stopping here for too long dy.

You're right, perharps we won't become strangers, I had survived for twice dy.XD By the way what is kuhanama tata ah? If I failed, I won't be sad for too long. It is because I am ready for it.Got "xin li zhun bei" dy.=)

Thank you Neri for your concern.=)I am really touched.hehe. I know well J and you will always support me. And you are our personal counsellor.XD All the best to you too!! YEAH!!

Trust me, I can take the bet :)

♥ Neri said...

yes you're so brave matt, INFINITY SALUTE-NESS:) AND she might visit okay? who know yeah. and by taking the first step to talk about this topic and your feelings is already part of the confession :) once you begin, don't stop until you've went all out and hit the target with your best efforts :)

and yes i'm sure you guys won't be strangers as i said, she isn't that kind of person you know. and if really worse came to worse it happened, i'm sure you'll be able to survive it right? :)
and hakunama tata means don't worry be happy :)

and of course i shall always be the kind of FOC counsellor :) you and J better make the most out of me okay xD

Dë~3MusketEErz said...

Haha.wahh~infinity salute-ness.XD like it.haha.thanks ya! Where got brave la.*shy

I am trying to be more optimistic in all ways. Zhen Jie said I am not an optimistic person but I think I am. He said it is just my own imagination that I am optimistic.Perharps he is true, but I will make it false.yeah.

She won't pay a visit to this site de la ( given that no one asks her to, no one informs her about the existence of this post). Quite pretty sure of that. Haha.
She is that kind of person la, she will run far far away k. I hope I can survive, because confessing is just like a powerful blast, I might become pieces k.haha. But the thing is, I MUST SURVIVE!hahaha.

Of course we will make full use of your expertise! Just afraid you don't have time to do so only. Haha.

♥ Neri said...

hmm,it's like you don't even know whether you're optismistic or not yet others' opinnions confuse you even more. well in some situatios you are optismistic but true, not all. esp when it comes to relationship with the opposite sex. you're alright with friendships:)

you say she won't pay a visit, who knows? what if actually the 10,000 visitor on your hit list is her?! and later she not only read you blog, she reads comments as well then you confirm get hit by her gao gao cos of your assumption on her xP

and you guys are the one who are so busy ok. none picked up my skype call as i said on twitter. lol. no one reply also. life is sad lol.

Dë~3MusketEErz said...

Aiya, you know I don't on skype 24 hours de right. You must tell me when you're free ma,then I will on and wait for you. You said you will be very busy de ma.Yor,you ah.

I mean, there are moments when we will be sad or upset right. Optimistic is the way you look at a problem. Maybe you're right, that is the only time I lose all my confidence - in front of her.Haha.Nevermind, it's okay.

Yea, your point stands a chance.But I think not so chun gua.haha.We just assume that she won't come back k. She might visit once before, but she is not the kind who will come back for a second time ba.She doesn't like blogging.

I am busy but I will have time for you la.So tell me when you are free.=) Can't believe spm results will be released in a month time.Haha.ALL THE BEST YA!

And, don't be so PESSIMISTIC kay!!Life is good!!Life is great!XD

♥ Neri said...

the MNJ blog kinda died. failed la. i wanna update everyday but i think you all would say i spam instead of blog so i wait for everyone update once then i update so it looked like its not just me you know ahha.

oh well.

and i'll let you know when i'm free :) better be soon! how're you two doing? the keep in touch failed again haha. you see :)

Dë~3MusketEErz said...

Where got kinda dead lah the blog Neri,it's just no activity only ma.You went back, Jing and I seldom have chance to meet up.

It's ok la, I will make sure it won't fail k!you can write whatever you like there, don't worry I won't condemn you lah.lol.

Just like this blog, 3 bloggers too but I am the regular author for 3 years dy.haha.

Keep in touch no fail and never will k. We're keeping in touch what, if not what do you think our conversation here is about?Haha.

Don't emo k Neri.=) Remember to let me know when you're free ya!Yeah~all the best!

♥ Neri said...

no activity also can blog one :) this J seriously i dont know if she's drown in piles of assignments ahhh.

anyways i'll let you know when i'm free for sure. when are you going camping ? and you can drive over to the island to meet J what if she's too busy and couldnt come back. MAKE sure you guys at least meet regularly lets say once a month to catch up ma . best friends you know!!!

and i trust you k. don't fail me haha. and all the best to you too matty :)

Dë~3MusketEErz said...

Oh, we are going out to have Korean lunch next friday.

Teacher will fetch us to go over there to meet her.

We planned the meal as dinner at first, but J has exams on next next Monday.

Haha,I won't fail you lah.I will take more care of her k,although she has him dy.hahahaha.

Yeah!

少芬 kee said...

看到这里有10个comment,哇!就进来看看,再哇!都是英文的,改天才读吧!哈哈!

马条儿啊,我觉得你的comment越来越多了,所以应该在首页面增加comment栏目,这样我们就可以从那边知道有没有最新留言!

Dë~3MusketEErz said...

哈哈哈,是这里吗老师?根本不需要找啦,我能马上查到最新留言。XD

其实,查找之前我想到可能会是这里,或有一个很久很久的博文了。

好吧,我尽量做做看,可能不能成功,因为我的是旧版的,新版的有些新功能我用不到。