Strained

The last day of me being 19. I am turning 20. Abolideboh. Is this a sign of maturity or old age?

I cannot even utter a syllable for the moment. I think my throat is ruptured. This is the worst case scenario of shouting everyday for 2 weeks.

And I am not in a good mood, worse even. I hope this will not turn out to be my most miserable birthday of all. Didn't I just received my A-level results? Previously I thought if I have good results I would be very happy during my birthday. But it is not so apparently.

Perhaps I am absolutely a mute now, frustration comes when people ask me questions. I cannot speak. After explaining my condition to them via sign language, they finally understand but they will come back awhile later forgetting I cannot speak at all. I don't bother to entertain them. And the people surrounding me started to label me as "emo", I am not sure it is because of my lack-of-smile expression or the absence of my voice.

Yes, I have lost my speech. Maybe this is the reason why all the negative thoughts start to pile up in my heart. I have no way to pour out, no way to speak to anyone. Suddenly the poor me alone in my own dark world, while everyone seems to be celebrating. I cannot even cry out to God. Never have that voice.

I wonder why is this happening.

If there is an instrument to measure self-esteem, I think it will show negative on me. Pn Malathee was telling me that day, she missed the confident me. She noticed something wrong with me way before I did. You were to congratulate me for the results, but I ended up pouring out my struggles through texts. You said I have changed. You said what Pn Malathee said, the Matthew you knew was pretty confident. This time I was not ashamed to admit I have lost my confidence. I missed it too. I guess you didn't expect me to be so messed up at the moment. You tried to encourage me, but I doubted myself. Again you were amazed how shattered I am. Thank you for your comfort, thank you that you still believe the ever confident Matt will be back once he braves through this difficult time. Congratulate upon your first semester results too.

I know I can climb out of this pit. I know I must. Nobody will know your sorrows and no stranger will share your joy. I must do this on my own. I need hope, I need God.

临教有感

当了两个星期的临教，确实的说有点烦闷了。这种心情就像回到了中学上课时一样，起初重新回到学校的兴奋已经消失，开始不想起床，开始期待放学。

怎么会这样？

从前还没开始工作时，就常常思索：我连相对来说简单得多的每天上课都觉得厌烦，将来如何在职场呆上一辈子啊。常常留意父母，身边的大人和师长，很想知道为何在他们身上找不到半点厌烦的迹象。大家都是日出而作，日落而息，没有一丝怨言。或许有，但我不晓得，就像他们也多半看不出我厌倦上学的模样。

假如我将来是一名医生，行医的第一个星期应该很精彩。不过再怎么精彩刺激的事情，周而复始地做也会烦。就像现在的我，依照不可能变化的时间表，每天进班面对常常失控的同学们，很想念在家发霉的日子。如何不再拖着腿上班？很多人说，只要做自己很有兴趣的事，就能够很有热忱地去做，最好的例子就是苹果教父乔布斯。如此一听之下让人茅塞顿开的秘诀在几分钟后仍然是个秘诀。我相信我们所选择的都是我们认为自己喜爱的，不喜欢教书的不会去当教师，不喜欢医学的不会想当医生。会厌倦，是因为每天都在做一样的动作。

根据我两个星期的上班经验，要消除厌烦的负面情绪，得从心态下手。

（一）把眼光锁定在一天的工作就好，把“明天”一词从脑海里删除，这样就不会因为隔天还要上班而产生无力感。

（二）抱着正面的心情上班，享受工作的过程。就算是很单调的抄写工作，与其咒骂，不如自嘲几句，乐在其中。

（三）点燃心中的火把，一直向自己强调自己工作的目的。时时刻刻保持使命感，身为教师，提醒自己正在培育下一代，自己的言行举止对学生有着不容忽视的影响力。爱情也是一样，如果一直都有想想当初为什么爱上她，就不会轻易放弃一段感情。

（四）偶尔不按牌理出牌。会厌烦是因为单调，所以偶尔尝试一些新事物，不会枯燥，就不会烦闷。率领同学们到树下上课是一个不错的选择。

好了，就让我用下个星期来实践，看看效果如何。如果不行，感谢上帝我只会呆两个月。

我想象的妳

新的一年学校开学了，我和学弟学妹们一样，回到了北海钟灵中学。我也是来上课的，只不过我不再是课室里四十多人中的一员，没穿校服没剪平头也没人理。一身西装踏入课室，四十多双锐利的眼神随着我的脚步挪移。到了桌前我抬头眼睛扫视，两排桌椅并肩排成一组，共四组，挂在微黄的后墙上是蓝色布告板，此景阔别两年再次映入眼帘，同学们的问安声响当当地传入耳中。原来，我当起了临教。

回到这所我呆了三年的学校，也许是我中学生涯最后落脚的地方，我别有一番滋味。看着从下午班升上上午班的初中三的学生那么地守规矩，安安份份战战兢兢，想起当年的我也不过如此。那是我连续第三年成为“新生”，照理说应该颇有经验，不过还是严重紧张和欠缺安全感。再加上我妈跟副校长很有交情，深怕自己万一闹出事妈妈就会马上知道，因此刚开学时我表现得很乖巧，衣服塞得整齐，扮一副傻书生样。

那三年的种种，迅速在我脑里播放了一遍。我所坐的座位，上课时的情景，和老师的交谈，和同学们的闹剧，当年她高挑的身影……三年多里我心上的一个人，如今她已名花有主，我也另觅佳人。那三年的痴迷，那三年的追逐，现在仅仅是伴随着那三年记忆的乐曲。

而如今我在那部影片中切切搜寻的画面，是印象中妳清秀的脸庞。我犹如失忆症患者般努力地捡起破碎满地的记忆，企图拼出有妳在的情景。然而那一块始终是空白。

妳也和我同窗三年，不过文静的妳和喧闹的我不曾说过十句话，也许注定毕业后的日子才是属于我们的。对不起我最终的搜寻结果是妳回过头和她说笑的时候，画面也很模糊，但我觉得应该就和妳现在美丽的笑颜差不多。

我拿着教本在课室来回踱步，一面讲课一面揣摩当年的妳。看着同学们上课的百般姿态，心想当年的妳上课是否专心？当年的妳上课是否偷偷干别样？当年的妳会带课本吗？依妳的性格，我想妳绝对不会在乎上一名临教的课，甚至厌烦。对了，还有当时的妳暗恋的是他。

空旷旷的食堂有我一个人吃饭，那些年我们一群少年军警战友所集合休息的地方，现今已是一座办公楼了。那时的我们万众一心，雄心壮志，誓言提升少年军警在学校乃是北海一带的声望。看着眼前的食堂，心里猜想那几年妳和妳的姐妹们都是坐在哪里的，有像我们有个固定的地点吗？是在隔壁的小食堂？还是是附近的石桌椅？我往口里送一口饭，熟悉的味道唤起更深层的记忆。当年的妳下课都吃什么？是云吞面？还是咖喱面？

看来我会在这里呆上几个月。校园里，眼前有陌生的脸孔，脑海有我亲切的妳。过去的回忆补不上妳，未来的记忆少不了妳。

Two O One Four

From one point of view, this transition have never been so fruitful and exciting to me. I thought woe to me this time I had to stay in church for thanksgiving and watch night services. In other words, counting down to the new year in church, without friends. Since I attended the first time I have been finding excuses to skip the church services, either celebrate with friends or rather go to bed early. Ya, you got it right, it is going to be real bored spending such rare occasion on the church bench.

I decided to attend because I couldn't find any good excuses and I was guilty of skipping for several years. On top of that I didn't have the one as company to count down together with me in this so called sweet 1314 transition. Things changed when Clarence told me he would be fetching Angie Loh there. I was like, W-H-A-T? Why on earth would Angie Loh attend? And why watch night service. This was going to be interesting.

Okay, this wasn't her first time to church yet she asked some questions which to us were like why-you-have-two-hands. Thank God the more mature brother in church provided satisfactory answers. And just because Clarence, Amos and Yun Sheng those KDU students were busy with their own stuff and Angie idled with me around in the church, all the aunties and uncles thought we were a couple. Unsurprisingly, my mum was the first to pull me aside and bombard me with questions. "She was your student last time, don't you remember?" I replied in a good manner, not sure if I answered her questions. Everyone thought I brought her to church. My Youth Fellowship friends thrown at me we-suspected-you-have-a-girlfriend-so-here-she-is-huh kind of faces. Come on, my girlfriend would definitely be more gorgeous, if there is one. (Alright Angie if you are reading this line, just want to tell you from my heart you are very pretty as well, some aunties agree with me.)

Sorry Angie that we were so peaceful and chill when the clock hit twelve. We couldn't do much in the church right. Anyway, we went to auto city after the services, where we proceeded to mamak because the restaurants were closed. From there we had a list of our firsts of the year 2014.

First meal of the year, roti kosong with limau ais.

First ride of the year, blue CRV.

First place of the year, Grace Church.

First breath of the year, air.

First mission of the year, waking up Amos.

First mission accomplished of the year, waking up Amos.

My new year's eve was just so fun. Four of us planned to skip the watch night service this year end and find a place to celebrate.

Reached home at 2.30am, knowing well we had the Leader's Retreat to attend at 10.00am back in church.

Ohya, Happy New Year 2014!!

New Year's Eve 2013

How much more can I elaborate for New Year's Eve?

Carpe Diem is the word!

Today is no ordinary day (In fact the same goes for everyday)! It's time to wrap up everything in the year 2013, let go of every mistake and be ready to embrace a brand new 2014!

Finally we are entering a new age, our age will start with 2_ from tomorrow. I think this indicates we are grown ups, we are more mature. Even though we are still pursuing our dreams in respective universities, but I believe as an adult we can achieve more! 

As a Christian I believe each and everyone of us is not created for mediocrity, we are God's masterpiece. It's time to step up guys! Be willing to make the first move. We can make a difference, and we can start now! We are not adolescents any more, nor infants. The difference is, infants are always receiving, but adults are capable of giving. Giving is not all about money, there are more valuable things we can offer other than money, we can share our love, our time, to name a few.

If there are dreams in your heart, I encourage you to make them a reality. Remember, we have the potential, we are formed with a purpose. To change the world, let the change begins within us first. I know it is easier said than done, so let us constantly reflect and check on each other.

Revolution starts with you.

2013年的最后一个星期天

终于来到了年尾，还是疲惫，还是迷茫。

今天的天气很阴凉，是我很喜欢的天气。如此的天气，很想呆在户外，看看蓝天，吹吹凉风，总之不要受到屋里狭小空间的限制，让视野开阔。

然而我整个人一直感到这样的疲惫已经有好一阵子了，一天到晚都想睡。我好像是在努力地偿还从前熬夜的睡眠债，醒了还是累，累了继续睡。也许利息太高了，需要一段时间才能还完。因此，我还是打消了外出的念头，如果稍微有点精神就到阳台透透气吧。

想一想，不想外出的原因是否可以完全归咎于疲惫。我开始喜欢呆在家里，当个宅男。把自己锁在房间里，做自己想做的事情，或看书，或打字，或躺着，不亦乐乎。你可以认为我孤独症复发，而事实是我享受孤独。与世界隔离，少了喧哗，多了宁静。这也许是我内向的表现，正如妳说的，一个人无法像硬币般被定义为内向或外向，而内向不是贬义。内向是个性的一种，不能被断定是成功的阻碍。至于朋友的“随机”邀约，我还是不会抗拒的。

我迷茫，是因为看不见前方的路。明年对我来说，充满着未知数。想打份工，好好磨练自己，却碍于公共服务局为期一个星期的培训营而让时间分配有困难。还有该到哪里留学，虽然现在不由得我选择，但心中对想去的地方存在着矛盾。这时候，只能依靠上帝，凭着信心的眼往前迈开步伐。

我的心，总是在盼望。