想给妳写信

想给妳写一封很长很长的信

就像以前一样

有手机还是喜欢亲笔写信

因为打的字无法像笔一样

一点一划地勾勒出我的思念

一撇一捺地刻画出我的心意

想给妳写一封很长很长的信

诉说没有妳的日子

我所经历的喜与悲

我所感受的冷与暖

很多事只有妳能谅解

也有很多事只能对妳说

想给妳写一封很长很长的信

就像给自己写信

不需要任何回复

只要妳仔细地读

记得在世界的某个角落

妳仍然存在我的记忆里

母亲节

很高兴离家这么多年后，能够在家和妈妈庆祝母亲节。以前不怎么重视的节日，现在觉得在家和家人一起正幸福。回家乡工作一个多月，我还在适应重新和父母相处。我又回到他们的“管制区”中，他们还是一样地呵护我，但年近三十的我偶尔觉得别扭。

有时觉得我对父母说话的语气不佳，又觉得他们很唠叨。可是我知道他们对我的爱，这样的唠叨以后可能要听见都没有机会了。我也没有顶嘴，只是让他们继续地碎碎念。

只可惜我又要离乡背井了。这一个决定，现在想起我还会忐忑。这到底是不是一正确的抉择？我从小就期望日后学成归来在槟城成家立业。这一次回到家乡，又印证了我其实喜欢和家人常相聚。虽然大家相处久了会有小摩擦，但这毕竟是家人。如今，我却“被迫”只身飘洋过海。一个人没有另一半携手过人生，偶尔觉得特别孤独。

我的未来会是如何？我目前真的无法想象。当心里感到孤单惧怕时，我只能祈祷依靠我的神。我相信祂对我的人生有美妙的安排。即使我还摸不着头脑，回头看却发现一步步都有神的眷顾。

我日后还有多少个母亲节可以陪妈妈度过？只希望这天伦之乐，我可以常享。

Believe

What is a belief? What is faith? What is positivity?

I have been in search of the formula of success since primary school. I have read many self-help books and attended many motivational talks. Non fiction section of the bookstore is always my only stop ever since I completed high school. Those books, along with the arguments in them, are refreshing and motivating to me as I read them. I am going to change and make an impact. My life will be different from now on. I am going to be a high achiever. I believe most people would feel the same while reading those inspiring words. Unfortunately, the effect won't last long, at least that is true for me.

Growing up from a Christian background, I am very inspired and intrigued by the teachings of Jesus too. As I grow older, I started to scrutinize what is the true meaning of them and how to apply them in life. I do struggle with some of them as I cannot see the promises of God fulfilled in my life. However, undeniably there is a great number of lives impacted by the gospel all over the world in the past two thousand years. If not, Christianity will be become such a powerful movement in history. Even now, the gospel is still impacting and bringing hope to a lot of people.

My question is always why not me. This is quite a common question asked by us the 'second generation' of Christians. 'Second Gen Christians' means our parents are converted to Christianity and we are 'born' to be Christians. Our parents had experienced God in a way that caused them to convert. We always loathe about we don't have life changing experience with God. 

To cut the story short, I always wonder why others can experience such a marvelous breakthrough while some still struggle. Which part of the bible verse I miss? What is the secret ingredient I lack? Do I not have enough faith? Is it because my disbelieve? At last I know what is the problem. It is not that I don't believe, it is more of I don't believe enough. Just like what read from the self-help genre, there is great power in believing. They say if you believe you can, then you truly can. Impossible is actually I'm possible, The mountain moving faith mentioned in the bible. 

I know Christ loves me and died for me on the cross. The bible is full of how deep and perfect the love of God is for us. I know about them since young. John 3:16 and other passages. Perhaps all the while these are only bible knowledge to me. Do I truly believe those words? I have to have an honest heart check with myself. Do I believe the entire bible is irrefutable as I believe the earth is round? Yes, I believe my sin is forgiven via Christ, I have no doubt in my salvation. However, how about other promises spoken by Jesus Himself? That God cares about me so much, He numbered my hair and He has good plans for me even before I am born.

Well, I believe them too. But I must admit it is not with the same conviction I believe the earth is round. I think this is the reason why my life is not fulfilling. The testimonies from my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ have one thing in common: they believed. Just like the figures mentioned in the bible. That is the key. Believe. Believe without a shadow of doubt, believe with one hundred percent. Only when the gospel truths truly sink in to the bottom of my heart, my life will change. How should I do it? Keep on pursuing Jesus, the ways I have known, with new revelation about Him each day.

I think that high level of conviction in our belief system is the basis of most self-help books and positive psychology too. There are a lot of examples in the world where people eventually succeed when they are fully convicted in whatever they do. I do find similarities in the bible and those theories too. For example is gratitude and speaking positive words. And I try to find out what is the difference between my faith and positive psychology. Up to now, my conclusion is this is the way God intended for us to live on earth, those theories are just coincidental evidence. 

面对人生

其实我应该寻求治疗。也许世界上大部分的人能够随着年龄的增长，拥有面对人生的能力。我好像不是那一部分的人。

就如大部分的孩子，从呱呱坠地起，到用四肢攀爬，到行走奔跑。这些看似最平常不过的里程碑，对有些儿童而言却是无比的艰难。他们的大脑发育比较迟缓，需要一些辅助。这不关于他们意志力或抉择的问题。没有一个大人会责怪他们天生迟钝。

也许我也是这样。我活了二十八年，大家看我应该就是一个健康的年轻人。有些人甚至会觉得我优秀有为。可这十年来脑海里一直都在挣扎。可以说是忧郁症，或许更准确的是面对环境与挫折的能力有明显的缺陷。

我们这个世代的人，最常挂在嘴边的是“成人”，英文叫Adulting。这个词汇在我们的世代之前好像不曾有。我们都在感叹要转变成为一个成年人很难，有很多的挑战。可能我爸妈那个年代年纪轻轻十几岁就要出来打工贴补家用，所以“成年”是一个很自然而且没有过渡期的事。生活已经艰难，哪有时间哀叹梦想破碎。

偏偏我快到了三十岁，搬回家里住反而好像退化了。吃的、住的、穿的在家样样不需要烦恼。身心灵方面，我不觉得我像个成年人。我还没有独立生活的能耐。我依旧很脆弱。我经不起考验。为什么会这样？中学时期，我还真心觉得自己无坚不摧。十年在外遭受现实社会的摧残，我就缴械投降。这是忧郁症在作祟，还是我的性格本质就是承受不了人生的残酷？

我最近才去反思自己为何始终迷茫。是自己自哀自怜？是自己没有意志力？是自己孤傲不屑？还是已经和忧郁症共存了多年？

或许，这就是人生。

Battle

Life is too difficult for me. But I know life is even worse to certain people. I am actually in a better position than so many people in the world. I have a bed to lie, a roof on top of me. I am not lacking of food. My job has a decent income.

Yet I don't know why that gloomy dark clouds keep following me. The light of the bright sun can't seem to shine through. Oh why my soul is severely depressed, again.

Is there a flaw in my coping mechanism? There seems to be a limit to the stress I can cope. As now I am facing yet another difficult crossroad in my life, to leave or to stay, I am paralyzed. I am clinging to the promises of God, but again my heart cannot be consoled.

How long oh God, how long. I have been paralyzed in bed the whole morning. I can't do anything. I just can't. In the past few days, I just "floated" around in the workplace. 

I need a way out. 

2022 Quarter Year Report

Life, is a mystery in itself as usual. Who am I to know what is coming, who am I to fathom the events occurring around me? For I am merely human, a creation with limited wisdom.

My 2022 is still uncertain as it seems. To be honest, the job offer from Adelaide adds more uncertainties to my life than anything else. I have never thought to work in overseas. My dream was to study and enjoy university life in overseas, then return to work and settle down. Working as a doctor in Australia is never my consideration until last year. The obvious reason is, I thought I would marry an architect graduated from the UK and hence we would start our family here. 

3 years ago I broke the dream I envisioned for years. To a certain extent, the broken dream still hurts. After being single for awhile, I thought why not give it a try to apply for a job in Australia. As a young doctor in the current local system, I was confused about my future. I literally had no clue. I felt that my life was still at the rock bottom. That's when I sought the Lord earnestly while throwing in a few applications in last August. I applied from a position of rest: if I got an offer I will go, if I did not then it means God wanted me to stay. I attended two online interviews, but did not get any offer. I was disappointed because I felt the rejection meant I was incompetent. However I did try to persuade myself it was God's will because I did surrender the matter to Him. But I do know in my heart, it could mean it's not time for me to go, or it is a closed door.

Then, I completed my housemanship and continued to work as a medical officer in the COVID-19 team. It was there I met a bunch of good friends, and enjoyed the best time of my working life. I had applied for job transfer back to my hometown months before. But during that brief period of time, I fell in love with a lady. Perhaps it was really a mistake, as I might be transferring back to my hometown and the relationship looked just like the fruit of convenience. I wasn't ready to commit to it in such as short time as the burden of past hurt crushing on my shoulders. 

I started the new year with her and a new hope. Hoping and believing 2022 was going to be a great year. Again, circumstances changed faster than I could imagine. My beloved COVID Team was scattered to different departments in the hospital. There's when the stability I enjoyed for a few months began to shatter. I was given a department I never wanted - Paediatrics. And she had difficulties adapting to her new department too. Both of us had to cope with the unforeseen stresses and unfortunately the new relationship could not stand the test. We broke up.

I did my best to cope, made my best effort to contribute to the Paediatrics Department. To my great delight, I was granted the chance to transfer back to my hometown. It was sad to leave my beloved friends and beautiful place, but I knew I had to go home. I hoped for a chance to join Psychiatry Department - my specialty of interest. Again, as the cliche goes we do not always get what we want in life. I was asked to join Paediatrics Cardiology. Paediatrics again! My goodness. On top of that, adjusting to the life back home was not as easy as it seemed. 

During that time, Adelaide emailed me to ask if I was still interested for a job. I thought to myself: Is this from God? Since it was no harm to take another interview. I tried not to build up my hope and I continued to pray. Paeds Cardiology is a nice and comfortable place but I still could not see myself to be there for at least 6 months. I needed a way out and a peace. 

At this crossroad, I did not know if staying or leaving was a better choice. To me, both options had great risks. For the past few weeks I just prayed, asking God to show me a clear path. After a delay of 3 weeks, Adelaide gave me an offer. 

Yes, it was a great news. It was a successful interview. I decided to accept the offer, taking it as His will for me to begin a new adventure. I am well aware that the challenges may be great over there. But if it is God who calls me out just like He called Abraham, I know He will guide my every step and He will be my strength to conquer every mountain. 

I am amazed at how my year has been so far. I have never experienced change in such a fast pace in my life. At the same time, I grow a lot as well spiritually. Though I am still learning to depend on Him and walk by faith, I know He who started the faith will perfect it in due season. I do not know what the future holds, but I do know who holds the future.

May I continue to walk in favour while I behold His grace and salvation on the cross.