路过人间

我最近喜欢上这首歌。

歌词和旋律都显得伤感。

伤感间却夹带着对生活的期盼。

这首歌，确实唱透了人生。仿佛一位历经岁月的老人，回头看所走过的路而作出的总结。

也许人生就是这样，人来人往，许许多多的事，没人能掌控。

愿我能达到那歌词般的境界，拂袖轻步走一回人生，不再拘泥。

远距离

远距离的感情就如两个人在茫茫大海中漂泊。双方在日夜交替间浮浮沉沉。倘若彼此都没有努力往同一岸边奋力地游去，日子久了只会各自越漂越远。到最后猛然惊醒，各人已被海浪推向不同的方向，无论再努力也无法缩短之间的间隙。连接彼此的蚕丝也就这样的断了。

友谊呢，也不必太过纠结。它不需要像爱情一样的呵护经营。人到一处，自能形成一个圈子。若有常年知己是万幸，虽然无法时时相伴，当年巩固的情谊自长存心中。

朋友来来去去，切勿以为“一日之交，终身良友”。大家此时此刻能好在一块，都是因为天时和地利。当缘分结束，大家分离之时，在他处又将遇上谈得来的朋友。当然，偶尔有机会见见故友，吃上一顿饭也是生活乐事。

人的一生，独自呱呱坠地，一个人游历是必然，自然也一个人离开。学会以自己相处，乃是最重要的功课。人生在世，自当潇洒走一回，不拘泥于任何事物。若能渗透这一点固然是好事，但要实际效用予生活却是不易。为何如此，是因为人皆渴望拥有。我想拥有爱情、友情和事业，才发现人生的意外很多，非我能控制。

圣经里所罗门王写的《传道书》也把虚空的人生写得贴切。不过，他最终有给人生一个解答——那就是认识造我们的主。我从小在教会里长大，许多诗歌都描绘主基督如何在他们的生命里带领他们。可是，我都无法体会。我不晓得如何让一位我看不见的神引领我的人生。我不明白如何拥有一个看不见的爱。

年幼的我自然无法理解许多抽象的事物。随着成长，累积了一些人生经历，我才慢慢地从中体会。认识主耶稣真的是一生的祝福，认识至圣者真便是聪明。回头看看我走过的路，虽然当时觉得无助无奈，却看得见神微妙的供应。我曾试图在神迹奇事中找寻上帝，才发现祂一直都默默地与我同行。就如基督徒们常说的，基督教不是一个宗教，是一个与神的关系。出生于基督教家庭并不会让我成为基督徒，就好像在麦当劳工作的都不是汉堡包。唯有自己能够与神建立起一段关系。

人生的路很长，但我知有主耶稣伴我行。

天龙八部

昨天，我在浏览有什么影片可以观看时，无意中点入了新版的《天龙八部》。整部剧共有五十集，我便从下午以双倍的速度“追剧”到凌晨。

我本人唯一读过和最熟悉的武侠小说是《射雕英雄传》，而其他的小说我大略知道情节。《天龙八部》的时间设定比《射雕》要早，故事围绕主角乔峰展开。当时的江湖人称“北乔峰，南慕容”，和《射雕》的“南帝，北丐，东邪，西毒，中神通”的局势相较之下，江湖武功高强者少了许多。而实际上乔峰的实力比慕容复强了许多，所以当时的天下第一应该是乔峰。可是，他们两人的父亲躲在少林寺三十年，练成的武功却也比乔峰高了许多。

武侠小说的主题不外是侠义、江山和美人。《天龙八部》也不例外。可在这部小说里，我看见还有另一个引人深思的主题，那就是民族主义。乔峰从小到大以为自己是汉人，奉献一生帮助汉人打击契丹人。谁知，他其实是契丹人，因父母被武林高手误杀而被汉人领养提拔。虽然他处处立功，始终无法跨越种族的界限。表面上信任他的人，其实都在提防他。乔峰知道自己的身世后，出现了“身份危机”。最终他与自己和好，“不以辽人为耻，不以宋人为荣”，毕生不让战争爆发波及两国百姓的性命。或许现今我国人民也需要悟出这个道理，才能正真的不分你我，造就和谐的社会。

另外，冤冤相报何时了。武侠天下里，各个英雄豪杰基本上都有仇要报，不是杀父仇人，就是杀母仇人。报仇似乎成了英雄们的人生目标。当仇人最终死于自己的手下，才惊觉人生失去了方向，也都自刎了。自然，要原谅他人亦需要很大的勇气和度量。

武侠世界里，总能看见一些人生的道理。有时，清心地度过一生也惬意，难怪有好些诗人贤士都入山隐居。

日记

最近我重新开始写日记。我上一次写是小学的事了。当年的日记本要可以上锁，但最终也给妈妈偷看了。

这一次，虽然也是日记，但目的有所不同。这不再是如过去的流水帐，把时时刻刻的事情记录下来。这一次算是为了疗愈而写的吧。就当作是反省一整天的心情或烦恼，遇到的问题和其解决方案。把这些事情写下之后，就当作从脑中卸下了。文字不需要太多，也不需要装饰。最后，再加上三件自己感恩的事。这是从前从前，那个女孩教我的。她说她睡前都会想当天三件值得感恩的事。

我偶尔还是会懒得写就跳上床就寝了。这也不打紧，我再努力培养这个习惯。

之前因为觉得时间表没有很紧凑，便想学习做一个高效的人。我读了基本书籍和看了几个视频后，尝试了两个星期。结果呢，搞得自己很疲惫。我再次的深刻了解，时间表满满的不代表效益会高。我在那两个星期里，天天早起一个小时。结果让原本已有睡眠问题的我更加吃不消。

此外，在信仰方面，我也知道全能者掌权。圣经里有这么的一段：我又看见在日光之下，跑得快的未必得奖，勇士未必战胜，智慧的未必得粮食，精明的未必致富，博学的未必得人赏识，因为时机和际遇左右众人。

这并不表示我们可以因此而怠慢，只是努力的同时要知道一切结果都在神的手中。就如我目前尝试申请到澳洲工作一样，我尽量多投履历，也准备应付面试。可是我并不再像十年前的我，把希望筑得很高很高，一切顺其自然就好。

信靠神，也是每天的抉择。

信靠神

过去两周里，经历了一番混乱然后因着神的恩典逐渐地挺过来。我也在这次的低潮中得到了许多启示。

纵然我看不见神，我深知祂一直都在引领我。虽然我有时对神失去了信心，但祂依然对我不离不弃。当生活顺心时，赞美歌颂神是一件简单的事。当生活困苦时，却开始埋怨神。

人生的奥妙我仍然测不透。人总希望能够掌握并且控制一切。不幸的是，我们没有那个能力。神把我带到世间，必定有祂的旨意。圣经说我们不过是地上的旅客。这一条人生路，是为了后来的永生作准备。

信靠基督，不代表人生就会一帆风顺。如果真是这样，我想全世界都是基督徒了。耶稣也说，我们在世上虽有苦难，但祂已胜过世界。在人生的暴风雨中，信靠祂就可以享有基督的平安。这是一门功课，要在所以事物上都选择信靠祂，而不是自己的聪明才智。

我年近三十，放眼望去，人生还有一大半路。感谢神让我的幼年丰衣足食，没有困苦。我当然求靠上帝，让我剩下的年岁都不遭受困苦，一生享福。但是就算有磨难，神依然掌权，神的旨意始终是美善的。只要我学会完全地仰赖祂，无论遭遇任何事故，我都逢凶化吉，得胜有余。

人生漫漫，唯有每时每刻选择投靠永恒全能神，才可以过得安然。

Relapse, Reborn

I wonder if it is already a relapse. Or those are just prodromal symptoms. 

If it is, then it would be quite an irony because I am in the rotation that tackle the exact issue - mental health.

In the past few weeks to months, I started to experience poor sleep, on top of my chronic unrefreshing sleep. I would have early awakenings, which I don't usually have. I notice I became more lethargic, and would take long nap during my off days. Long naps caused more guilt and anxiety in the end as the day was deemed wasted. The increased sense of fatigue started in my last posting, with longer hours in bed but no improvement in the quality of sleep.

I started to feel really low especially in the morning, without apparent reason. Well, I know that I dread to get up for the day since a long time ago, but getting out of bed is just getting harder. And it takes longer time for me to get into 'working mood'. Then I will have a dip in mood when I am left alone. Getting off work and driving home used to be the happiest experience of the day, but my mind would inevitably think of something morbid. 

Night time was seemingly similar. I would do some reading, pray and get to bed as early as possible. Each day was not as productive as I intended it to be. 

I tried to fix my sleep, again. Practicing mindfulness, trying aroma therapy and have stricter sleep hygiene. It does not seem to work.

Noticing those alarming signs, I quickly acted. To be honest I am not sure what could be the stressors. What I identified recently were the subconscious anxiety and worries regarding my career. Admittedly, I do worry that I am not competent to perform in a district hospital setting or other clinical settings. Secondly, it is really time to set for a specialty. Unfortunately, I am still as ambivalent as I was in medical school. Psychiatry is still my top choice though, but I am yet to nail and commit to it. 

Recently, I am really pre-occupied with my car. It was finally repaired after a year. However, I am not satisfy with the current condition of the car. The engine is making noise and the gear is not smooth. I want to fix it but relevant parties are just pushing away the responsibility. For weeks, I am really displeased because of it. Resentment comes along with negative thoughts like I should not get involved in the accident in the first place; I should have sent the car to the brand's service centre instead of external garage. 

At the backdrop of all these I am thinking if going to Australia is a better choice. I do started my application process, but it is half-hearted. I am not as desperate as my batchmates who are so eager to get out of the country. I sincerely salute their ferociousness in this matter. I figure out to survive in another country is as difficult as surviving here. Further self-reflection shows that the ultimate reason is I am getting less and less competent in what I do. I am not confident. I am not the top student anymore. I am becoming mediocre since medical school, or worse, lousy. 

Seriously, 20 to 30 years old period witnessed the progressively decline in my life, having excelled exceedingly well in the first two decades of my life. Attempts have been done to reverse or at least slow down the trend. Some may say I am not doing harder enough. Some coping mechanisms are not as useful as it is. Distract. Conceal. Don't feel. Don't think. In my first year of medical school I told myself I had 5 years ahead. During my graduation I said there's two years more in Housemanship. Perhaps it is something needed to be confronted, maybe it is not.

Maybe the most disappointing part is God seems to be silent. However, by turning back I could catch a glimpse of His shadow. Or else I won't still be here. He is holding my life altogether in one piece, preventing it from shattering. Through and through, there's this vague nagging feeling that He is here. I can only be faithful, clinging on to His promises. I don't have great testimony about how He moves mountains for me. I can only tell He is still God, the only constant in this chaotic and seemingly meaningless life.

There's always this internal conflict within my mind and soul daily. The logical part of me would want to get me out of this deep mess. At one moment I will be pumped up with motivation to live a fruitful and productive life. Remembering all the quotes I read from self-help books and motivational videos, I would be determined to battle this and spark a purposeful life. But I would soon be bogged down by the meaningless, emptiness and aimless life. The other side of me would just want to sail this life like a space-occupying lesion, without ambition and settle for mediocrity. 

I do miss the 'me' I was 10 years ago. Full of hope. Packed with dreams. Aiming for the stars. Competitive. Top scorer. Confident. Winner in life, as she put it.

Strangely, it was that time I started to scrutinize the life of Joseph in the bible. My mother had a little cassette about the story of Joseph when we were young. She would play it in the car every time we set off for a long journey. As a result, I can memorize the story well at a young age. I could identify with Joseph being the most cherished and loved child in the family. But the 19 year-old me wouldn't want to be sold as a slave and experience all the hardship like Joseph did. Though in the end Joseph became really successful, after enduring life. I want the success but not the brutal hardship, I prayed to the Lord. At least God has given Joseph dreams for him to hold on to the end.

So what I am trying to do with my life now is, actively take charge and take control of my emotion. I started writing daily entries on my journal. I will stop taking nap. At the moment the best way to keep negative thoughts at bay is still distraction. 

What about my goal in life? Do what I can, open up more choices and let God direct the path. Simple right? Not quite so. Biblical teachings can be simple, but in fact it is difficult to apply. 

Jesus says: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?"

I have been trying to apply it since forever. Only if casting our care to Jesus is as easy as offloading a 100 Kg weight to Him in person. Now, perhaps praying more and focusing on Him will make my mind less cloudy. Truly believing He will take charge, things will get better. How I hope I can have assurance of life personally by Him.

The counsellor in medical school once told me, emotion is like a car and the mind is the front wheels. We could drive it to where ever we want. In essence, it's up to us to decide what we want to dwell on. 

There is still hope. Maybe I need a little boost with medications. Ah, I created the 3 Rs as my motto: Resilience, Responsibility and Reflection.

"Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."