2013最后17天

不知不觉2013年已接近尾声，马条一年半的大学先修课程早已结束。对他而言，2014将会是另一个里程碑。这是他梦想起飞的年度，这是他阔步迈前的时候。

然而，在2013年还有17天之际，他想往年一样，回首一年的旅程，展望新的一年。再过半个月，他将会一如往常兴奋地写下新年十大目标。可是，他很少会在年尾核查十大目标到底实践了多少。为何？这是他擅长的（很可能是与生俱来）精神逃避法，结合阿Q的精神胜利法后简直让他所向无敌，时时散发他那满到爆的自信。与其让今年没达到的目标浇灭对新年新希望的热诚，倒不如昂首捶胸肯定自己不只完成了十大目标，连十小目标也一一达成了。

经历了离开家乡在外生活的许多个月后，马条似乎变了。人活在世上，改变是无法避免的。他经历了前所未有学业上的困难，深刻了解人际关系的复杂，用爱体会了一段真挚的感情。可以确定的是，我们家的马条他长大了，他成熟了，他学会了。

他长大了。终于明白自己已经不是从前的小男生，不再期待别人的夸奖。他必须扛起当男人的责任，抱着千磨万击还坚韧的精神面对未来的一切。他也知道如何为家人付出。他明白自己不可以再淘气，知道人生不一定一帆风顺。一年里的挣扎挫败，使他有了重新站起的勇气，并时时警惕自己不管未来有多少风雨都不可有轻生的念头。

他成熟了。原来在坚定信仰亲近上帝的过程中，他一天一点一滴地趋向更成熟完全的思想。什么时候不再论断别人，什么时候开始审视自己。什么时候不再自我中心，什么时候开始舍己为人。什么时候不再锋芒毕露，什么时候开始鞠躬谦卑。他开始实践圣经里耶稣的教导，而不是只停留在知识的范围里。就算被嘲笑，就算被讽刺，也不在乎。这不表示他变得像神父般圣洁无暇，只是表现了要进步的决心。他或许还是会怀恨，不过他会努力释怀。他成熟了，开始正面看待是非对错。他不再想卷入纷争，懂得凡事以和为贵。他不再渴望人人对他欢心满意，明白就算完美别人也会挑。

他学会了。学会什么是爱，也学会包容。知道世界没有完美的人。他不再数落她的缺点，不再一味地企图改变她。如果爱她，就任由她吧，让她当自己。上帝造的人，有不同的性格。爱不是迁就放纵，爱是磨合忍耐。他学会了，学会看淡一些事务，知道有些人不能深交。对于别人的恶意批评，他学会了以微笑面对。他学会了依靠上帝，不再依赖自己的聪明。一年里，他真的学会了许多。

或许马条没有改变的，是他的欢笑。

“试”后有感

问世间“试”为何物，叫人欢喜让人忧。

根据马条几十年对生活的仔细观察，纵观中古至今，考试让考生忧虑的比例明显比欢喜大得多。一句话，读书时能感受到的喜乐（不包括精神上的满足）莫过于经榜题名时。

考试前那种的读书压力，担心考试失败等等，都带来了心灵上的折磨。心里难免在夜深人静一个人独自挑灯夜读时盼望考试后放纵的时光。考试后又可能觉得无聊透顶。为何会有这种心情上的落差？关于考试种种的“疑难杂症”现在暂且不谈，留给下篇《考试症候群》。

这回就让我打破传统，不拐弯抹角，开门见山吧。其实在作答最后一张试卷完毕后，当下真的有松了一口气，还在当场比了胜利的手势呢。那种欢喜的心情只维持了几秒而已。

也许是成熟了（我强烈怀疑我成熟了），心情很平静。这或许是所谓的平常心吧。也可能是过去尝够了那种你期待一天的到来，那天过了又好像失去什么的感觉。从前会很期待考完试后的假期可以做些什么，但假期过了回到学堂又有点失落。这就像上班族吧，总是期待周末，然后蓝色星期一。

对抗这种感觉，最好的办法莫过于保持平常心吧。我好像办到了。凡事有其时。这句话圣经里也有提到。这种生活智慧已给活在几千年前的所罗门王指出了。播种有时，收割有时。每一件事都有完成它的时机。延伸思考，就是说要活在当下，过去的事你改不了，未来的事你不知道，唯有现在的事你能做好。

既然凡事都有定期，就也不必一直去想象考完试的事情了。该来的终究回来。考试的第一天到来，代表着考试后的日子也不远了。考完了试，但人生不止于此，太过大事庆祝会带来空虚。我并不是说不可以庆祝，只是有时觉得有必要吗。

从考场出来，有一种失去方向的感觉。我并没有任何庆祝计划，只是选择回宿舍收拾，还选择去了祷告会。可能延迟兴奋得心情，会降低心情落差吧。午夜两点，我累了，却不想睡。是因为考完试？心里又起了矛盾。不是说了以平常心看待吗，怎么作息不平常？

话说回来，可能考试后的高兴很难被遮盖。也可能另有其因，就把它归为“考试症候群”吧。

1st of November

So here comes another new month, exam is going to end soon, but we still have third quarter of the papers to scribble.

Day by day, I depend on His grace and mercy to sustain. I do feel down sometimes, being all alone in the dorm. However, I will quickly sing a song of worship, and my spirit knows He is near.

The interview wasn't too bad, I will continue to believe in Him, let go of every mistakes I have made. BMAT is just around the corner, I will just surrender and commit the test unto Him.

Ohya, after the end of this final battle, I shall celebrate the victory by going to the cinema for Hunger Games 2! Yeah, still remember I watched the first episode after a success as well.

I will probably go back right after exam, and come back to Subang again on 25th for Monash medical interview for both Sunway and Clayton campuses. Neri! Do give me some tips about it.

Alright! See you guys!

This Is It

"The hour is near." This is what Jesus says in the bible repeatedly to His disciples of His crucifixion and His resurrection. However, this phrase keeps emerging in my head recently, reminding me the finals is just around the corner. This Friday is it.

Am I afraid? I fear not. Am I worried? The joy of the Lord is my strength. 

I have been putting into practice of what the bible has taught me. The law of confession seems very appropriate at this very moment. Whatever you speak from your mouth shall come to pass." Life and death are in the power of the tongue. -Proverbs". I will not allow negative words to slip through my mouth. I shall speak of victory but not defeat, I shall speak to the mountain and it shall be removed if I have no doubt in my heart. All I need is to stay close to Jesus, keeping the mountain-moving faith until the end of the battle.

My dream is seemingly impossible, but with God all things are possible. Just continue to trust in Him and surrender to His will.

I am grateful to have a bunch of friends like you, who always believe me I am born to do great things. You all always believe I can come out of this victoriously. Your encouragements warm my heart, even at the time of distress, your love carries me through. A long long text message from thousand of miles away, a what's app message of affirmation, all these propel me forward to do my best. I apologize if I ever lose confidence, but I promise you all I will fight this battle with faith.

And of course don't forget about the prayers of my parents day and night, my grandmother, my pastors, my fellow brothers in the Youth Fellowship. Thanks for your support through prayers and your assurance.

What I am having now is the usual feelings. Time flies, day by day, hour by hour. It seems like it is a long time for the finals to come. But I know once the exam starts, the end of it will come even faster. In a moment I will be back to celebrate Christmas, to celebrate I have gone through another trial in my life. 

I declare I am blessed, I declare God's divine favour is upon me. I declare my dreams shall come to pass. Amen.

Who am I?

I am glad I braved through the tough past two weeks. Sitting for two aptitude tests in two weeks time was pretty exhausting.

I never think of preparing ISAT ( International Student Admission Test ) and UKCAT ( United Kingdom Clinical Admission Test ). I thought since they are aptitude test, the best thing is to show up and take the tests. I only aim to equip myself for the BMAT ( Bio Medical Admission Test ) because I aspire to enter Cambridge University to study medicine.

Things changed when many of friends have taken ISAT and UKCAT. Some of their scores are high. I started to worry about what score I can attain. I decided to prepare for it, driven by peer pressure. I was really discouraged when the questions I attempted were so difficult. I stressed out, until the point of breaking down. I prayed, of course. The cause of the stress is obvious. It is not because I am lack of self confidence, it's because I wanted to be the highest scorer. I don't think I am stupid, but I don't think I am genius as well. I just wanted to have a pretty score sheet.

The result of ISAT is acceptable. I am okay with it since there weren't many questions for practice. Yesterday I sat for UKCAT. I believe I have put in a lot of effort into it, I invested 2 weeks time, I tried as many questions as I could. The outcome is rather disappointing, not because the score itself, but the fact that the score is not directly proportional to my effort.

Again, I believe God is good, all the time. I wanted to Him to bear my burden to me, but at the same time I was reluctant to let go for Him. I over stretched myself, I was trying hard on my own. Lesson learnt. I need to adjust my feelings and carry on.

I shall resume my revision for the finals which are starting in two weeks time. With interview and BMAT roll up together with the finals like a big snow ball coming on my way, I need to God's grace to sustain.

Who am I? I am God's precious creation.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

This song from Green Day was my favourite a few years back.

It constantly reminds me time flies and how many Septembers have past. September represents a new start of academic year of universities in many countries, the end of it perhaps signifies there are 8 months time left to achieve your goals.One should wake up and make use of the time remaining.

In the next September, I shall journey to the place that I dream of. A dream which is fulfilled and the beginning of another one.