面对人生

其实我应该寻求治疗。也许世界上大部分的人能够随着年龄的增长，拥有面对人生的能力。我好像不是那一部分的人。

就如大部分的孩子，从呱呱坠地起，到用四肢攀爬，到行走奔跑。这些看似最平常不过的里程碑，对有些儿童而言却是无比的艰难。他们的大脑发育比较迟缓，需要一些辅助。这不关于他们意志力或抉择的问题。没有一个大人会责怪他们天生迟钝。

也许我也是这样。我活了二十八年，大家看我应该就是一个健康的年轻人。有些人甚至会觉得我优秀有为。可这十年来脑海里一直都在挣扎。可以说是忧郁症，或许更准确的是面对环境与挫折的能力有明显的缺陷。

我们这个世代的人，最常挂在嘴边的是“成人”，英文叫Adulting。这个词汇在我们的世代之前好像不曾有。我们都在感叹要转变成为一个成年人很难，有很多的挑战。可能我爸妈那个年代年纪轻轻十几岁就要出来打工贴补家用，所以“成年”是一个很自然而且没有过渡期的事。生活已经艰难，哪有时间哀叹梦想破碎。

偏偏我快到了三十岁，搬回家里住反而好像退化了。吃的、住的、穿的在家样样不需要烦恼。身心灵方面，我不觉得我像个成年人。我还没有独立生活的能耐。我依旧很脆弱。我经不起考验。为什么会这样？中学时期，我还真心觉得自己无坚不摧。十年在外遭受现实社会的摧残，我就缴械投降。这是忧郁症在作祟，还是我的性格本质就是承受不了人生的残酷？

我最近才去反思自己为何始终迷茫。是自己自哀自怜？是自己没有意志力？是自己孤傲不屑？还是已经和忧郁症共存了多年？

或许，这就是人生。

Battle

Life is too difficult for me. But I know life is even worse to certain people. I am actually in a better position than so many people in the world. I have a bed to lie, a roof on top of me. I am not lacking of food. My job has a decent income.

Yet I don't know why that gloomy dark clouds keep following me. The light of the bright sun can't seem to shine through. Oh why my soul is severely depressed, again.

Is there a flaw in my coping mechanism? There seems to be a limit to the stress I can cope. As now I am facing yet another difficult crossroad in my life, to leave or to stay, I am paralyzed. I am clinging to the promises of God, but again my heart cannot be consoled.

How long oh God, how long. I have been paralyzed in bed the whole morning. I can't do anything. I just can't. In the past few days, I just "floated" around in the workplace. 

I need a way out. 

2022 Quarter Year Report

Life, is a mystery in itself as usual. Who am I to know what is coming, who am I to fathom the events occurring around me? For I am merely human, a creation with limited wisdom.

My 2022 is still uncertain as it seems. To be honest, the job offer from Adelaide adds more uncertainties to my life than anything else. I have never thought to work in overseas. My dream was to study and enjoy university life in overseas, then return to work and settle down. Working as a doctor in Australia is never my consideration until last year. The obvious reason is, I thought I would marry an architect graduated from the UK and hence we would start our family here. 

3 years ago I broke the dream I envisioned for years. To a certain extent, the broken dream still hurts. After being single for awhile, I thought why not give it a try to apply for a job in Australia. As a young doctor in the current local system, I was confused about my future. I literally had no clue. I felt that my life was still at the rock bottom. That's when I sought the Lord earnestly while throwing in a few applications in last August. I applied from a position of rest: if I got an offer I will go, if I did not then it means God wanted me to stay. I attended two online interviews, but did not get any offer. I was disappointed because I felt the rejection meant I was incompetent. However I did try to persuade myself it was God's will because I did surrender the matter to Him. But I do know in my heart, it could mean it's not time for me to go, or it is a closed door.

Then, I completed my housemanship and continued to work as a medical officer in the COVID-19 team. It was there I met a bunch of good friends, and enjoyed the best time of my working life. I had applied for job transfer back to my hometown months before. But during that brief period of time, I fell in love with a lady. Perhaps it was really a mistake, as I might be transferring back to my hometown and the relationship looked just like the fruit of convenience. I wasn't ready to commit to it in such as short time as the burden of past hurt crushing on my shoulders. 

I started the new year with her and a new hope. Hoping and believing 2022 was going to be a great year. Again, circumstances changed faster than I could imagine. My beloved COVID Team was scattered to different departments in the hospital. There's when the stability I enjoyed for a few months began to shatter. I was given a department I never wanted - Paediatrics. And she had difficulties adapting to her new department too. Both of us had to cope with the unforeseen stresses and unfortunately the new relationship could not stand the test. We broke up.

I did my best to cope, made my best effort to contribute to the Paediatrics Department. To my great delight, I was granted the chance to transfer back to my hometown. It was sad to leave my beloved friends and beautiful place, but I knew I had to go home. I hoped for a chance to join Psychiatry Department - my specialty of interest. Again, as the cliche goes we do not always get what we want in life. I was asked to join Paediatrics Cardiology. Paediatrics again! My goodness. On top of that, adjusting to the life back home was not as easy as it seemed. 

During that time, Adelaide emailed me to ask if I was still interested for a job. I thought to myself: Is this from God? Since it was no harm to take another interview. I tried not to build up my hope and I continued to pray. Paeds Cardiology is a nice and comfortable place but I still could not see myself to be there for at least 6 months. I needed a way out and a peace. 

At this crossroad, I did not know if staying or leaving was a better choice. To me, both options had great risks. For the past few weeks I just prayed, asking God to show me a clear path. After a delay of 3 weeks, Adelaide gave me an offer. 

Yes, it was a great news. It was a successful interview. I decided to accept the offer, taking it as His will for me to begin a new adventure. I am well aware that the challenges may be great over there. But if it is God who calls me out just like He called Abraham, I know He will guide my every step and He will be my strength to conquer every mountain. 

I am amazed at how my year has been so far. I have never experienced change in such a fast pace in my life. At the same time, I grow a lot as well spiritually. Though I am still learning to depend on Him and walk by faith, I know He who started the faith will perfect it in due season. I do not know what the future holds, but I do know who holds the future.

May I continue to walk in favour while I behold His grace and salvation on the cross.

  

The Battle of the Mind

In my first year of medical school, we were introduced to the concept of mind-body interaction. We learnt that mental health can affect the physical health. Likewise, the physiologic factors can affect the mind too. A depressed mind can weaken the immune system, a sick body can cause sleepless nights. Even before studying medicine, I have known a positive mindset can help me to achieve success since high school.

Recently, I have greater insights upon this matter as I ponder about life, like I have done frequently, constantly and restlessly over the years. My recent 'thought research' is to figure out is there a difference between positive psychology and biblical faith. My conclusion for now is, perhaps our human mind is wired by God to thrive in positivity and psychology just confirms that scientifically. 

Our thoughts are powerful. We can weld them to the direction that we want to. Though there are times that are difficult for us to think in an optimistic way, we still have a choice and power to think of the bright side. Literally everything we do or act starts with a thought in the mind. Hence, the battle begins in the mind. If we are able to guard our mind and thoughts, we can have a better life.

'Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.'

Proverbs 4:23

小儿心脏科

回到槟城中央医院以后，我被委派到小儿心脏科工作。这当然不是我所要的，我要的依然是精神科。院方会有这样的安排，第一是因为我没有考获精神科的专业考试来证明我的确有意当精神科医生，二来是这个部门缺乏人手。

小儿心脏科是小儿科里的分科，对我们普通医生而言太过专业。因此，这个部门基本上是由小儿心脏专科医生在运作，我们的角色是辅助而已。这个部门不大，有三位专科医生和八位普通医生，三位医疗助理和大概五六位护士吧。上班的第一天，老板已经开门见山地告诉我们，这是一个工作比较轻松的部门。来到这里的医生，有两条路可以走，一是把握时间念书考试，以便可以转到自己要的部门。第二条路就是选择永久呆在这个部门，过着安逸的生活。

过去一个星期，老板让我和另一位新加入的同事先适应环境，所以上班时非常轻松。四月份，我们要在一个月内熟悉工作，然后在下个月开始值班。其他的部门可没有这样的待遇，我在外科的同事在上班的第一天就必须正式投入工作，直到晚上十时。也许这是一个小部门的原因，我加入时觉得特别温暖，无论医生或护士都给予极大的帮助和关怀。

在这个部门，我值班时需要看顾小儿加护病房，因此需要更多的训练。此外，我还要掌握更多关于小儿心脏的知识。有许多的知识都不在医学院的课程内。我也要学习如何做基本的心脏超声波扫描，这是我不曾接触过的。

我感恩能够在众多繁忙的部门中被安排进入这一科。之前总是拖延参加考试的我，现在终于有强烈的意愿和足够的时间去准备精神科考试。最近，自己也调整了对生活的心态，希望以后的生活更加多姿多彩。在重新开始真正祷告和灵修后，自己的思想已有一些小改变。虽然起床时思想依旧很灰，但我知道借着主耶稣的大能我有控制自己思想的能力。我常常觉得生命没有意义，找不到人生的方向。借着祷告、读经和聆听神的话，我可以慢慢地领受神的爱，帮助我逃离灰色的思想。特别是在这十年里，我已习惯了沉浸在自己忧郁的情绪中，因此需要时间来改变这个根深蒂固的习惯。从小我期许自己是个乐观的人，近年来才逐渐地接受自己其实很悲观。幽默搞笑只是自己的保护色。爱说话就是自己的个性，还喜欢臭美。在经历了一段短暂却悲痛的爱情后，偶尔会厌恶自己，觉得没有人可以接受自己。不过，在疗伤的过程中我觉得我要先接纳自己。

更重要的是，我必需好好整顿自己的状态，才有能力去照顾另一伴。回想之前，我都是因为有了女朋友，才突然变得更加积极向上。不知不觉中，她成为了自己心灵的支柱和生活的重心。她成了我努力的动力。这是一个非常不健康的生活态度。其实我在两年前就悟出了这个道理，两年来却始终没有获得“重生”。

希望我这一次能够靠着我主耶稣基督的爱来翻转生命，因祂的话语说，凡信靠祂的人便为有福！