拉惹乌达街走九遍

耳　聽見的每首歌曲　都有我的悲

眼　看見的每個昨天　都有你的美

腳底下踏的曾經你我的點點

我從日走到夜　心從灰跳到黑

穿過陌生人潮搜尋你的臉

有人走的匆忙　有人愛的甜美

有时候就是喜欢一直唱经典歌曲。这一回给我找到了动力火车。希望他们能给我一些推动力。

马来西亚好像没有一条忠孝东路，我该在哪一条路走九遍呢？

八打灵街？

不好，没常去，没感觉。

拉惹乌达街也许是最佳的选择了。我就住在街边，我就读的小学也在这条街，中学也离这条街不远。更重要的一点是，我曾经徒步走过几次哦。

好吧，找一个风和日丽的上午，就在这北海最热闹的大街走上九次吧！然后再往自己身上倒一桶冰水。

事后，所有的忧愁是否会烟消云散，所有的记忆是否会停止翻腾？

Movies

I sort of starting to return to my previous routine, which is paying a visit to the cinema on every Friday. By previous I mean 2 years ago. Since I started A levels I developed the habit of watching a movie on every Friday, whether it is in the cinema or on my Vaio, cuddling someone. However, months later the routine was stopped, perhaps due to the stress of perceived tough examinations and lack of appealing films.

This time, I come to a point which I must squeeze the movie slot in even though I have a very tight schedule. You can say the condition is desperate, or in a more negative sense, chronic. Why. Is it to release stress? I would feel even more stressful after watching one. I don't know what am I searching for. Again, I am lost. I hate to have such Friday routine again, I just don't want to do stuff the way I did last time. I do laundry on a different day, I avoid taking public bus, I cut my nails on weekdays. I even try to phase out the clothes I used to wear. Psychologically, I am hoping that with a different routine I could block out some memories.

Maybe subconsciously I am searching for meaning. My mind and body wander aimless following the crowd. To the lecture theater, to the cafeteria. 

Movies provide an escape from the real life. So often I want to let go and run away. But the problem is, where can I run to. When each movie is coming to the end, my heart is filled with emptiness again.

I came to a conclusion that some wounds can never be healed, move on and live with it is the only way. However, I am not acclimatized to carry it with me yet. Anyway, I am preparing for the day to come, it could be my worst day ever in this year, maybe slightly better than the day I had earlier this year. Garnering all the courage and be there for you on that day. Sometimes you just couldn't let someone down, even if it means you might not have any pieces of you left. Just buck it up.     

新学期

无穷尽的假期都不够，你说为期三周的假期会足够吗？

这次订了一大早的班机，是准备一抵达就赶往医学院上课的。虽然这并不是很明智的选择，但秉着“你只活一次”的疯狂，还是没有他想的订了。也许在那个时候不想回的心情已经深深地根深在我的潜意识里。差点赶不上班机只是不想回的另一个表现。

哦，对了。我又差一点就赶不上班机了。不知好歹的我勇敢地订了上午6时50分的航班，却在5时30分睡醒。匆忙地感到机场时已是6时30分，服务柜台关闭了。所幸有另一名搭客快我一步，为我挡住了被数落的第一波。

开始时我只是大步地走，到了关卡才发现身份证掉了。在走过的路上一路寻，在位于机场另一边的柜台寻获。此时大家似乎都登记了，我只好撇下我亲爱的妈妈奋力地奔跑。在机场奔驰我还是头一回，从前我都是从容不迫地游走于中。穿梭在人群中，有种想逃离过去的感觉。在这一栋豪华的建筑物里，冷不只是皮肤的知觉，还有心里上的折磨。人来人往，互不相识。抵达的脸上的笑容灿烂无比，离开的，有的兴奋，有的伤感。以前搭飞机时就不喜欢机场所带来的感受，现在更加不喜欢了，甚至厌恨。脑海里拖着大行李，微带不舍的心情向父母招手，然后缓步进入国际出境厅的画面注定无法在现实上演。

身上散发喜乐气息的看来就只有我那双红色Skechers跑步鞋。或许应该感谢它的轻盈，让我顺利地奔上了飞机。

回到了那个房里，熟睡中的室友对我的出现没有反应。我努力地压抑忧郁，却还是失败了。把身体抛在床上，忧郁在狭小的房间迅速蔓延。这不是我要的生活。

第一堂课是关于这学期的简介，该读什么，会考什么。我仿佛回到了第一天上课的时候，很想非常想的夺门而出。说我是败者吧，我已忘了胜利。真的吗？我才熬过了一个学期？

但我是不会让我的父母失望的，还有我家里的医生们！

现在只能从我拥有的打造我最完美的未来，谱写我最亮丽的人生。在这一个呕心沥血的过程中，我需要一个激励源，源源不绝地推动我。

那个泉源，会是谁？会是什么？

The Fault In Our Stars

It has been quite a long time since I wrote about a movie. This movie is about the love story between two pernicious cancer patients. Frankly, I almost cried when I was watching the movie. But many thoughts came after the movie while I reflected on the story.

Everyone has problems. This is sort of a truth I arrive at after contemplating about life this year. And regardless of the intensity of the problem, as in no matter it is big or small, it deserves full attention and help to be solved. Just as there is no standard answer in life, some problems cannot be solved, you have to live with it. However, there is a possibility which the intensity of the problem can be reduced to a minimum level. The emotions elicited by the problems can be alleviated by tools. One easy method is to count your blessings, to be thankful for all things. I still have a healthy body, I have eyes ears nose mouth limbs which are functioning.

I do not have cancer.

Yes, thinking about the less fortunate will make us grateful towards what we own. However, we will soon forget about it and start to magnify our own problems. Looking at the physically challenged we are glad that we have legs but we start to lament that we don't have shoes. Perhaps this is our nature. I am working on it too, constantly reminding and be thankful that I am well blessed in many areas. This is real tough, as I am always blinded by my grief, self-wallowing in my loss.

Come back to the movie. If you are terminally ill will you desire to love and to be loved? There is not much worries for healthy individuals to start a relationship, but it requires a lot of courage and confidence for patients like them in the movie.

When you know you are dying, what is your fear. The thought of Augustus Waters best represents mine. How will I be remembered. Like him, I wanted to be great, to stand out of the 7 billion. Finally Hazel Grace enlightened him, and me too. I often hear a whisper in my mind, to achieve greatness one must be brought low first. Just like the bible says, those who want to be the head must be the tail, and the tail will be the head.

Okay.

寂寞时光

今天考的是高教部制定为必修科的种族关系和伊斯兰和亚洲文明。这个学期每个周末还要上课，罪魁祸首就是这两个科目。

之前上课也没什么听讲，小考也是大家一起用荧幕作答的，所以面临这次大考时还有些紧张。原本已经下载了讲义准备好好地读过一遍，但后来去了学生事务部一趟，得知我已经及格了。于是，我轻松地渡过了昨天。

考完试后没有立刻回家是很痛苦的一件事情，这是因为同学们都返乡了，。也许我应该说从今年开始这将会是很煎熬的。以前，觉得在这里呆多几天也好，可以很自由。趁着没朋友找的几天好好地干自己平常上课想干却不能干只好把它写在笔记本里等到假期才干的事情。比如说，一个人在房间里看电影或书籍。除此之外，我通常会开心地拉着一个人的手去吃东西或逛街。对了，还有逛书局！它是在广场里继电影院后我最想光顾的景点。总之，就是很享受独自一人没事做的心情，可以没有压迫感地做自己喜欢做的事。

但，那都是以前。现在觉得自己一个人在那么宽阔的空间很落寞。我渐渐失去一个人生存的能力。我需要在一个群体里，或至少也要有一个人陪我。单独一人时我会仿佛失去了方向感。室友去了新加坡，回到无人封闭的房间会窒息。因此，接下来的几天如何渡过是我生存下来的关键。

我盲目地想融入一个群体里，不过我却不想放弃自己的自由。跟随一群朋友就必须配合他们的时间。而大家总会把时间耗费在等待上。一个午餐地点的决定也很耗时。寂寞还是自由？也许现阶段还是不要寂寞好。

四处游走一段时间后，决定在图书馆更新部落格。过后的时间，再看着办吧。

哦对了，我还有X计划。

爱妳

最近这几天都一直开朋友伟杰的玩笑，不亦乐乎。我的同谋，当然是和我夜夜同眠的扬贤。开什么玩笑呢？就是一直嘲弄伟杰喜欢漂亮且有张照片神似陈研希的苧荟。哈哈哈。虽然这真的非常幼稚，但又无法停下来。他也毫不掩饰他对她的感情，只可惜错过了追逐的时期，大家报读了不同的医学院。我当然很鼓励他勇敢追一次，不是为了避免他错过大雨，而是想看一场演出。啊，我好坏。对他，他可以为爱勇敢一次。对我，我可以期待故事美好的结局。此举乃一石二鸟啊，得赶快让他付诸行动才行。

这首歌是伟杰最喜欢的！嗯，其实是我们让他喜欢的。换句话说，我们逼他喜欢的。不对不对，是我们诬蔑他喜欢的。总之，这是伟杰喜欢的歌。

既然是伟杰喜欢的歌，作为朋友，我们每天贴心地为他二十四小时播放。不懂得阅读中文的扬贤为了他还特地找了有拼音的视频练唱喔。我们积极地练习，希望可以在考试后录制一个版本帮他赠送佳人。

话说回来，这篇歌词现阶段对我来说有某种程度的意义。就说我是太过依赖，太为爱疯狂吧。又或者，是不甘愿停止热恋。

我閉上眼睛 貼著你心跳呼吸

而此刻地球 只剩我們而已

你微笑的唇型 總勾著我的心

每一秒初吻 我每一秒都想要吻你

就這樣 愛你愛你愛你 隨時都要一起

我喜歡 愛你外套味道 還有你的懷裡

把我們 衣服鈕扣互扣 那就不用分離

美好愛情 我就愛這樣貼近 因為你

有時沒生氣 故意鬧脾氣

你的緊張在意 讓我覺得安心

從你某個角度 我總看見自己

到底你懂我 或其實我本來就像你

想變成你的氧氣 溜進你身體裡

好好看看在你心裡

你有多麼寶貝 我愛你

我們愛情 會一直沒有距離 最美麗

我和妳，注定在地球的两端。

妳的离开，会不会引发我的戒断症？