Relapse, Reborn

I wonder if it is already a relapse. Or those are just prodromal symptoms. 

If it is, then it would be quite an irony because I am in the rotation that tackle the exact issue - mental health.

In the past few weeks to months, I started to experience poor sleep, on top of my chronic unrefreshing sleep. I would have early awakenings, which I don't usually have. I notice I became more lethargic, and would take long nap during my off days. Long naps caused more guilt and anxiety in the end as the day was deemed wasted. The increased sense of fatigue started in my last posting, with longer hours in bed but no improvement in the quality of sleep.

I started to feel really low especially in the morning, without apparent reason. Well, I know that I dread to get up for the day since a long time ago, but getting out of bed is just getting harder. And it takes longer time for me to get into 'working mood'. Then I will have a dip in mood when I am left alone. Getting off work and driving home used to be the happiest experience of the day, but my mind would inevitably think of something morbid. 

Night time was seemingly similar. I would do some reading, pray and get to bed as early as possible. Each day was not as productive as I intended it to be. 

I tried to fix my sleep, again. Practicing mindfulness, trying aroma therapy and have stricter sleep hygiene. It does not seem to work.

Noticing those alarming signs, I quickly acted. To be honest I am not sure what could be the stressors. What I identified recently were the subconscious anxiety and worries regarding my career. Admittedly, I do worry that I am not competent to perform in a district hospital setting or other clinical settings. Secondly, it is really time to set for a specialty. Unfortunately, I am still as ambivalent as I was in medical school. Psychiatry is still my top choice though, but I am yet to nail and commit to it. 

Recently, I am really pre-occupied with my car. It was finally repaired after a year. However, I am not satisfy with the current condition of the car. The engine is making noise and the gear is not smooth. I want to fix it but relevant parties are just pushing away the responsibility. For weeks, I am really displeased because of it. Resentment comes along with negative thoughts like I should not get involved in the accident in the first place; I should have sent the car to the brand's service centre instead of external garage. 

At the backdrop of all these I am thinking if going to Australia is a better choice. I do started my application process, but it is half-hearted. I am not as desperate as my batchmates who are so eager to get out of the country. I sincerely salute their ferociousness in this matter. I figure out to survive in another country is as difficult as surviving here. Further self-reflection shows that the ultimate reason is I am getting less and less competent in what I do. I am not confident. I am not the top student anymore. I am becoming mediocre since medical school, or worse, lousy. 

Seriously, 20 to 30 years old period witnessed the progressively decline in my life, having excelled exceedingly well in the first two decades of my life. Attempts have been done to reverse or at least slow down the trend. Some may say I am not doing harder enough. Some coping mechanisms are not as useful as it is. Distract. Conceal. Don't feel. Don't think. In my first year of medical school I told myself I had 5 years ahead. During my graduation I said there's two years more in Housemanship. Perhaps it is something needed to be confronted, maybe it is not.

Maybe the most disappointing part is God seems to be silent. However, by turning back I could catch a glimpse of His shadow. Or else I won't still be here. He is holding my life altogether in one piece, preventing it from shattering. Through and through, there's this vague nagging feeling that He is here. I can only be faithful, clinging on to His promises. I don't have great testimony about how He moves mountains for me. I can only tell He is still God, the only constant in this chaotic and seemingly meaningless life.

There's always this internal conflict within my mind and soul daily. The logical part of me would want to get me out of this deep mess. At one moment I will be pumped up with motivation to live a fruitful and productive life. Remembering all the quotes I read from self-help books and motivational videos, I would be determined to battle this and spark a purposeful life. But I would soon be bogged down by the meaningless, emptiness and aimless life. The other side of me would just want to sail this life like a space-occupying lesion, without ambition and settle for mediocrity. 

I do miss the 'me' I was 10 years ago. Full of hope. Packed with dreams. Aiming for the stars. Competitive. Top scorer. Confident. Winner in life, as she put it.

Strangely, it was that time I started to scrutinize the life of Joseph in the bible. My mother had a little cassette about the story of Joseph when we were young. She would play it in the car every time we set off for a long journey. As a result, I can memorize the story well at a young age. I could identify with Joseph being the most cherished and loved child in the family. But the 19 year-old me wouldn't want to be sold as a slave and experience all the hardship like Joseph did. Though in the end Joseph became really successful, after enduring life. I want the success but not the brutal hardship, I prayed to the Lord. At least God has given Joseph dreams for him to hold on to the end.

So what I am trying to do with my life now is, actively take charge and take control of my emotion. I started writing daily entries on my journal. I will stop taking nap. At the moment the best way to keep negative thoughts at bay is still distraction. 

What about my goal in life? Do what I can, open up more choices and let God direct the path. Simple right? Not quite so. Biblical teachings can be simple, but in fact it is difficult to apply. 

Jesus says: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?"

I have been trying to apply it since forever. Only if casting our care to Jesus is as easy as offloading a 100 Kg weight to Him in person. Now, perhaps praying more and focusing on Him will make my mind less cloudy. Truly believing He will take charge, things will get better. How I hope I can have assurance of life personally by Him.

The counsellor in medical school once told me, emotion is like a car and the mind is the front wheels. We could drive it to where ever we want. In essence, it's up to us to decide what we want to dwell on. 

There is still hope. Maybe I need a little boost with medications. Ah, I created the 3 Rs as my motto: Resilience, Responsibility and Reflection.

"Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."