古晋

这是我人生第一次脚踩东马，人生第一次涉足马来半岛西海岸以外的国土。

首先，我到目前为止的心情感受还只是那三个字：怪怪的。怎么个怪法呢？那就是我简直不相信我会在这里，我不懂为什么我会在这里，及我应该在哪里。一切似乎很朦胧，我好像困在穿越中的时空，脚不着地。三个星期根本来不及让我有个心理准备。

我尝试去思考我为什么会有这种感受，却找不出具体的原因。我从前到过这么多地方，从未有如此的感受。第一次离家到吉隆坡读书时，没有这种感受。后来到了新山念两年，也没有这种感受。去台北、墨尔本见习也没有这种感受。到异国旅行也没有这种感受。或许，答案很简单，那就是我不想来。

周围都很陌生，但我没有要去熟悉的念头。我任由陌生继续蔓延。

其他可能原因造成我有此怪怪的感受是这里的环境。乘车在路上，路牌和柏油路上的箭头都觉得不太像半岛的。天空很蓝很美，带着一丝墨尔本的气息。车的行驶速度缓慢，生活步调也好像慢了。天较早亮，也较早暗。这里有中文路牌，听说政府医院里也是一样。这让我有一种身处在异国，却有本国气息的感觉。还有一个可能因素，那就是我失恋了。

在这里的第一份早餐是砂拉越叻沙，和堂姐吃的。
在这里的第一份午餐是海南鸡饭，和扬贤及文希吃的。
在这里的第一份晚餐是哥罗面，和处旋吃的。
在这里读完的第一本书是堂哥的新书《医者》。
在这里的第一场梦，竟然是她。

在这里第一次和堂姐煮晚餐，想起我上一次下厨是在英国，和她一起。

以为我大老远飞过来可以把她抛在脑后，还是想起她了。我一直以为来到一个没有与她有记忆的地方我就不会睹物思情，这证明她已根深在我脑里。其实就算换了新环境，身边的用物品偶尔也会让我想起她。若真的要杜绝一切联想，我应该把随身物品都换过，顺便也把脑袋换了。

我已和处旋约定，谁要是提起过去的情人就被对方赏一巴掌。

我也该好好往前看了，把焦点放在寻找自己的前途。

晚餐前小记

朋友约我到一家意大利面餐厅。要知道我从欧洲回来后就不想碰意大利面和披萨。原因是我不要唤起我痛苦的回忆，其二也是我在意大利吃意大利面和披萨吃到怕了。

到了餐厅，打开菜单快速跳过玲琅满目的意大利面，在非意面的项目里一看便见日式咖喱鸡扒饭。我顿时想起我和她曾在雪隆区吃过的那家日本餐厅。她好像喜欢吃日式咖喱。

哈哈，很多时候我都会这样。时不时会有让我想起她的关键词。是我选择回忆她吗？我认为很多时候我的头脑会自动联想。自己还来不及作出选择时回忆便瞬间播放。当然，我不能阻止鸟儿从我头顶飞过，但我能避免它在我头上筑巢。所以，我能作的只有不去细细缅怀。那些回忆会一闪而过，在我心中掀起涟漪。有时来得太多，心却不怎么疼了。事到如今，那痛的程度也降低了。偶尔，它们会像洪水猛兽般来势汹汹。我心中就会充满许多想对她说的话，因而写了一篇很长的电邮。

那些歌，那些词。那些地方，那些食物。那些时光，那些年。

就让时间慢慢地把她冲淡。

等待

“但那等候耶和华的必重新得力。他们必如鹰展翅上腾，他们奔跑却不困倦，行走却不疲乏。”以赛亚书40：31

对待人生，对待信仰，我已到达一个地步，不仅是怀疑，而是深刻地质疑。

无论如何，有过类似经验的基督徒都会说，到最后他们都看见上帝的大能和伟大。

我是谁？岂能和那创造天地万物的主争辩呢？

或许有一天我也会说，“我从前风闻有祢，现在亲眼看见祢“。

注定？

上个星期四是选择实习医院的日子。我尽力了，最终还是在情急之下选择了古晋的医院。

当下的感触是，难道一切都是神所预定的了？我注定要分手，我注定要离开这片伤心地，我注定要展开全新的生活。

分手前，我一心想到亚罗士打的医院实习。我的堂姐之前在那里，她觉得不错。此外，我觉得也不会离家太远。

分手后，一切都变了。我连防御力都没了，更别说战斗力。我需要家里的温暖。因此，我想选择离家最近的医院。住在家里，我可以衣食无忧，注意力集中在累人的工作上即可。

此时，古晋对我来说还是很梦幻。我心里大部分还是无法接受这个事实。虽然那里会有室友扬贤和好友文希，还有堂姐，但我毕竟还是离乡背井。

我心里不禁地问，我的神将把我引领到何处呢？祂的意念高过人的意念。我能做的是每一天都信靠祂。可我的心还是被那过去的事和许多的恐惧及不安充斥。我如此恐慌要到何时呢？

过去一周

过去一周里，有了个新生侄儿。一个新生命的到来似乎没有给我很大的鼓励。从前的我认为我一定要结婚生子，这毕竟是生物在世的使命——繁衍后代。我时不时会想要如何教育我的子女，让他们活得比我健全。

不过，我的思想在近期内改变了。以我目前的处境，好好照料自己都是一大问题，更不要说有了另一半。有了孩子，烦恼不减反增。照顾新生儿是很累的。再看看我那快三岁的侄儿，行为开始出现偏差，要调教也需要一番功夫。再看看我自己，真是对不起父母。

过去一周里，我开车时依旧不开电台。任何歌曲对我来说还是折磨。在餐厅吃饭时别无选择，只能让那些情歌不断割切我的心。

过去一周里，我和一位学姐见面。如此刚强且有能力的她也辞去政府医院的工作。虽然关于实习医生的恐怖事迹屡见不鲜，但是听她述说后还是毛骨悚然。这几天里无形中加添许多恐惧。心情也非常低落。

过去一周里，在私立医院的紧急部门，还是可有可无地存在着。感谢那些愿意让我尝试抽血打针的护士，原谅那个一直碎碎念的护士，忘掉那些一直板着脸的护士。

还记得从前的我喜欢阴雨天。小学时，一下大雨就会依着铁门观看外头的狂风肆虐。心里就是很享受那种淡淡的阴郁气氛。也许这才是真正的我，郁郁寡欢的我。我若有那丁点的阳光气息，不晓得是不是后来自己想要成为的自己而加上的。

现在，忧郁泛滥，我看见雨天也怕了。心情真的会变得很差。

未来一周，一周又一周。难道我只能说这就是人生？

Live The Let-Go Life

I have started to read this book by pastor Joseph Prince the second time. Yes, I know I should let go. I knew it since the beginning. 

I researched on the net to learn the quickest way to let go and move on. I tried my best, or I at least I tried doing my best.

I appreciate all my friends who surrounded me and provided me with invaluable support. I am sorry to frustrate some of you that I couldn't get over it after 3 months. You all think that I myself do not want to let go of her. Well, perhaps that's a certain truth in it. However, I did try my best to move on, taking small baby steps each time.

Besides her, I still have a whole lot of problems to deal with. She was only the last straw that broke the camel's back. Before that incident, I was already facing some problems. But I could still hold my world together. After that incident, my world was shattered. I was devastated. I felt like my mental shield was broken. What I could handle before I cannot cope now. Thank God for my supportive relatives who helped me a lot in this difficult season of my life. When I can't see the future and feel so helpless and hopeless.

Yes, outwardly I am living like a pampered child, with family bringing me lunch at work and doing laundry for me. But you all know that I wasn't like this before. I WAS DESTROYED. And I want to pick myself up again.

I have really come to the end of myself. After being a Christian for the past 25 years, I finally caught a revelation about the true gospel. Previously, even though I know Jesus died and rose again for my sins, I still felt that I needed to be a good Christian to please God. The true gospel is, His salvation is a free gift and all I have to do is to receive and rest in Him. I knew this since young too. However, this truth just wasn't drummed into my heart.

As I mentioned I have really come to the end of myself. I am exhausted in trying to let go and move on. I am burdened to look at my future. But I know my God loves me that He did not spare His son for me. He is definitely saddened to see me to be in such a state. I know I can trust Him. I have to learn to lean on to Him daily. That's what the book is about. To live the let-go life. 

Indeed, it is still hard for me to just rest and surrender all to Him. But I know by His power I will able to do it. By His love I will get out of this muddy pit and soar higher than ever. For Christ did not die in vain, He died to give me life, life more abundantly. 

As I wait and rest in Him, I will rise up like an eagle. I don't know how long will it take, but surely I will rise. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. You might think I am being irresponsible now, but as I said I have exhausted all my resources. Depending wholly on Him is counter-intuitive, yet logical. My God is always there to take care of me. If my parents on earth love me so much, how much more is the heavenly father loves me. He is waiting for me to cast all things on Him. 

Let my life burns again, with His unending love and grace.