晚餐前小记

朋友约我到一家意大利面餐厅。要知道我从欧洲回来后就不想碰意大利面和披萨。原因是我不要唤起我痛苦的回忆，其二也是我在意大利吃意大利面和披萨吃到怕了。

到了餐厅，打开菜单快速跳过玲琅满目的意大利面，在非意面的项目里一看便见日式咖喱鸡扒饭。我顿时想起我和她曾在雪隆区吃过的那家日本餐厅。她好像喜欢吃日式咖喱。

哈哈，很多时候我都会这样。时不时会有让我想起她的关键词。是我选择回忆她吗？我认为很多时候我的头脑会自动联想。自己还来不及作出选择时回忆便瞬间播放。当然，我不能阻止鸟儿从我头顶飞过，但我能避免它在我头上筑巢。所以，我能作的只有不去细细缅怀。那些回忆会一闪而过，在我心中掀起涟漪。有时来得太多，心却不怎么疼了。事到如今，那痛的程度也降低了。偶尔，它们会像洪水猛兽般来势汹汹。我心中就会充满许多想对她说的话，因而写了一篇很长的电邮。

那些歌，那些词。那些地方，那些食物。那些时光，那些年。

就让时间慢慢地把她冲淡。

等待

“但那等候耶和华的必重新得力。他们必如鹰展翅上腾，他们奔跑却不困倦，行走却不疲乏。”以赛亚书40：31

对待人生，对待信仰，我已到达一个地步，不仅是怀疑，而是深刻地质疑。

无论如何，有过类似经验的基督徒都会说，到最后他们都看见上帝的大能和伟大。

我是谁？岂能和那创造天地万物的主争辩呢？

或许有一天我也会说，“我从前风闻有祢，现在亲眼看见祢“。

注定？

上个星期四是选择实习医院的日子。我尽力了，最终还是在情急之下选择了古晋的医院。

当下的感触是，难道一切都是神所预定的了？我注定要分手，我注定要离开这片伤心地，我注定要展开全新的生活。

分手前，我一心想到亚罗士打的医院实习。我的堂姐之前在那里，她觉得不错。此外，我觉得也不会离家太远。

分手后，一切都变了。我连防御力都没了，更别说战斗力。我需要家里的温暖。因此，我想选择离家最近的医院。住在家里，我可以衣食无忧，注意力集中在累人的工作上即可。

此时，古晋对我来说还是很梦幻。我心里大部分还是无法接受这个事实。虽然那里会有室友扬贤和好友文希，还有堂姐，但我毕竟还是离乡背井。

我心里不禁地问，我的神将把我引领到何处呢？祂的意念高过人的意念。我能做的是每一天都信靠祂。可我的心还是被那过去的事和许多的恐惧及不安充斥。我如此恐慌要到何时呢？

过去一周

过去一周里，有了个新生侄儿。一个新生命的到来似乎没有给我很大的鼓励。从前的我认为我一定要结婚生子，这毕竟是生物在世的使命——繁衍后代。我时不时会想要如何教育我的子女，让他们活得比我健全。

不过，我的思想在近期内改变了。以我目前的处境，好好照料自己都是一大问题，更不要说有了另一半。有了孩子，烦恼不减反增。照顾新生儿是很累的。再看看我那快三岁的侄儿，行为开始出现偏差，要调教也需要一番功夫。再看看我自己，真是对不起父母。

过去一周里，我开车时依旧不开电台。任何歌曲对我来说还是折磨。在餐厅吃饭时别无选择，只能让那些情歌不断割切我的心。

过去一周里，我和一位学姐见面。如此刚强且有能力的她也辞去政府医院的工作。虽然关于实习医生的恐怖事迹屡见不鲜，但是听她述说后还是毛骨悚然。这几天里无形中加添许多恐惧。心情也非常低落。

过去一周里，在私立医院的紧急部门，还是可有可无地存在着。感谢那些愿意让我尝试抽血打针的护士，原谅那个一直碎碎念的护士，忘掉那些一直板着脸的护士。

还记得从前的我喜欢阴雨天。小学时，一下大雨就会依着铁门观看外头的狂风肆虐。心里就是很享受那种淡淡的阴郁气氛。也许这才是真正的我，郁郁寡欢的我。我若有那丁点的阳光气息，不晓得是不是后来自己想要成为的自己而加上的。

现在，忧郁泛滥，我看见雨天也怕了。心情真的会变得很差。

未来一周，一周又一周。难道我只能说这就是人生？

Live The Let-Go Life

I have started to read this book by pastor Joseph Prince the second time. Yes, I know I should let go. I knew it since the beginning. 

I researched on the net to learn the quickest way to let go and move on. I tried my best, or I at least I tried doing my best.

I appreciate all my friends who surrounded me and provided me with invaluable support. I am sorry to frustrate some of you that I couldn't get over it after 3 months. You all think that I myself do not want to let go of her. Well, perhaps that's a certain truth in it. However, I did try my best to move on, taking small baby steps each time.

Besides her, I still have a whole lot of problems to deal with. She was only the last straw that broke the camel's back. Before that incident, I was already facing some problems. But I could still hold my world together. After that incident, my world was shattered. I was devastated. I felt like my mental shield was broken. What I could handle before I cannot cope now. Thank God for my supportive relatives who helped me a lot in this difficult season of my life. When I can't see the future and feel so helpless and hopeless.

Yes, outwardly I am living like a pampered child, with family bringing me lunch at work and doing laundry for me. But you all know that I wasn't like this before. I WAS DESTROYED. And I want to pick myself up again.

I have really come to the end of myself. After being a Christian for the past 25 years, I finally caught a revelation about the true gospel. Previously, even though I know Jesus died and rose again for my sins, I still felt that I needed to be a good Christian to please God. The true gospel is, His salvation is a free gift and all I have to do is to receive and rest in Him. I knew this since young too. However, this truth just wasn't drummed into my heart.

As I mentioned I have really come to the end of myself. I am exhausted in trying to let go and move on. I am burdened to look at my future. But I know my God loves me that He did not spare His son for me. He is definitely saddened to see me to be in such a state. I know I can trust Him. I have to learn to lean on to Him daily. That's what the book is about. To live the let-go life. 

Indeed, it is still hard for me to just rest and surrender all to Him. But I know by His power I will able to do it. By His love I will get out of this muddy pit and soar higher than ever. For Christ did not die in vain, He died to give me life, life more abundantly. 

As I wait and rest in Him, I will rise up like an eagle. I don't know how long will it take, but surely I will rise. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. You might think I am being irresponsible now, but as I said I have exhausted all my resources. Depending wholly on Him is counter-intuitive, yet logical. My God is always there to take care of me. If my parents on earth love me so much, how much more is the heavenly father loves me. He is waiting for me to cast all things on Him. 

Let my life burns again, with His unending love and grace.

第二天上班

今天我跟随救护车去接送病人。由于医院只有有一辆救护车，我确定那就是去年我外婆“乘搭”的那辆。坐在里面，我试图想象当时的情景。我妈当时是随从的家属。我当时在飞机上赶着回国。搬回外婆家后，我发现我会一直缅怀她。这是我自她逝世以来都不曾这样地去想念她。我觉得我大脑的“防火墙”失灵了，做事有时无法专注，记忆不听使唤地涌出来。

最近我一直在面子书贴文。我却被婉婷大姐骂说那个她根本不会去读或关注。嗯，我也不知道我为什么这么做，就想写就是了啊，未必要她看。

我的情绪变得比较稳定了。只不过私立医院的急诊部病例少，空闲没事做时会想起她。但是心里很明白我们不适合。再想她再爱她也是不会有结果的。今天突然有个想法，我自上次复合之后就以为我们不会再分手的念头似乎已经根深在我的潜意识里。我因此要用很长的时间去除。

前天用快递把随机队的队服寄给了她，还附上四面的字句。心里说寄出去了，当个了断吧。这却被朋友看穿了，说我还是抱着微小的希望可以得到回复。

我要谢谢我拥有强大的后援团，这几个月来一直守护着我。芮菁写给我的那段文章深深感动了我。她那句话把我点醒了。她说难道她与我二十年的友谊比不上与那个她七年的爱情吗。我一直以为我很讲义气，对朋友绝对两肋插刀。这次却是确实地被她的义气打动了。原来大家不会闲我烦，在我最需要的时候还有你们。我重新看一遍，就再感动一遍。当然还有许多随机队的队员们，原谅我无法在此一一致谢。

柔仪大姐说，无论如何都要催眠自己当最棒的自己。

明天会更好。